What did I learn after I neglected my mental health? What does neglecting my mental health look like? Why is prioritizing your mental health important? How can you improve your mental health?
In my Defying Shadows article, I navigate and discuss my difficult moments with my mental health, how I learned about what mental health is, and why it’s so important.
The Mighty Mic was an amazing experience. I’m extremely grateful that I was able to collaborate with The Mighty to help my community as they find strength in their mental health struggles. Here are some highlights from my event and a message that I learned. I will be planning and hosting more events so stay tuned!
The rain that just passed has drenched me with growing pains as the flowers sprout from my insides out.
A messy masterpiece they called me.
Sometimes my bed arrest me
I’m in trouble from the thoughts that told on me, I broke the law
After some mighty poets and speakers shared I was compelled to share my story to them as well. I noticed a pattern in the themes that recurred in the poems and pieces everyone shared and thought I would give some advice based on what I learned.
Purpose, worth, self-talk, and identity were themes that recurred while I sat and soaked in the message of each story. While we are faced with difficulties with our mental health, it’s often due to mental conversations about those themes. As we continue on in our journey and our battle we must let go of the notion of a single purpose or single mission conforming to the standards of the society we live. Instead, we must continuously walk in our own self-fulfillment-whatever that looks like-while also navigating our peace through the opportunities we are able to take up. We live our life through how much we are filled with happiness and satisfaction with what we are doing. Let’s not waste ourselves with expecting purpose to manifest without manifesting ourselves in the process. We manifest purpose by being alive and continue fulfilling our own talents. Learn yourself, love yourself, and find peace through appreciating your life and the opportunity to live it.
I struggled with depression for a lot of my teenage years unknowingly; falling into silent spells or isolation cycles were “normal” ways I would deal with how I felt. Because of this, depression remained regular. The pain was me.
When I thought about depression or sadness my mind would drift off to what my former pastors would suggest— praying, fasting, and going to church healed all wombs. I often heard, “mental illness was a weakness, ‘the devil’ is consuming your thoughts to keep you from what God has for you. The only way I could be better was to do what God wants me to do. If you’re continuously doing bad, then it’s your fault. You are not trying hard enough. Do not ever claim depression on your life. Don’t say that out loud! If you say it you are manifesting that demon on yourself.” Frightening, right?
Because of those words, I grew up scared of myself, my thoughts, and God punishing me. I felt relief in my good days but tormented on my bad. Maybe if I tried to be “as holy” as I could then maybe I would feel better. The day never came where just praying and fasting relieved my depressive thoughts though.
When first faced with crippling anxiety, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and discouraged. I isolated myself and talked to no one about my struggles. It wasn’t real. I tried to push harder even when I felt exhausted. Self-care, mental health, or anxiety weren’t words or phrases I knew much about anyway. I just had to pray, right? My relationship with God is not strong enough. I kept pushing myself well past my physical and mental limits until I couldn’t anymore. The more I dismissed my symptoms and repressed my feelings, the more I felt powerless, hopeless, and weak.
In order to feel better, I challenged myself to think deeper. What do I do to move forward? As I constantly struggled to find peace in my mental turmoil, I looked to my writing and voice for refuge. The day I felt most empowered, most liberated, and most peace fell on one day, the day I uttered the words “I have depression and struggle with anxiety.”
While I long left the church because I wanted to find myself aside from religious indoctrination, I started writing, and the words I typed and wrote freed me from my thoughts. Thoughts became tangible. Words became ideas I could look at. I manipulated those words to something positive and uplifting. I began reflecting on and discussing what mental health meant for me, asking critical questions combining my pain with creativity. Excitement filled me again.
My projects now bring me to life, they are my medicine. The words I utter, the words I write are my power. I am new, I feel refreshed. I wage war on my mental health struggles, expectations, and stereotypes that bind me and my progress (hence why my writing space/blog is SparklyWarTanks).
Even though I still struggle, I continue to write and think of new and creative ways to express myself. I’m currently planning and hosting events too! There is power in words, whether it’s saying them, writing them, or thinking them.
Claiming my anxiety and depression was not a downfall manifesting struggle and doom to my life, claiming anxiety and depression gave me the power that helped me to liberate my perspective, relieve my mind, and continue on in the progression of becoming myself.
I sat in my bed unable to grasp the idea of the morning. Morning means I must get up and go to class, again. But when did yesterday end? Why does today have to begin? My mind dozes off for another 15 minutes after realizing I fell asleep only three hours prior. With my body weak and my stomach nauseous, my mind overflowed with lists; lists of assignments, projects, tests, research, goals, ambitions, dreams, expectations, procrastination, perfection, the GRE, fixing my family, money…everything. Everything remained in the forefront of my mind daily. Time was a blur and so was my idea of eating breakfast. My stomach longing and screaming for food. Class! I have to get to class. I dragged myself out of bed and into my 9:15 am class. No food. No rest.
This pattern exists as my morning routine for most of my weeks. My days consist of dreadful mornings and long hours.
The more I worry and leave self-care behind, the more an unfamiliar sensation brew in the pit of my stomach. Walking around campus became foggy. Exhaustion is now my new normal. I am a zombie, slave to the regular routine of the student. All work.
Days pass by and nothing is better. I keep going. Work. Work and procrastination remain my cycle until the unfamiliar sensation manifested itself into existence.
A panic.
My breath is short, my mind blank, my hands clammy, my chest heavy, eyes filled with tears looking into nothing, stomach aching, rocking to feel something. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m all alone. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t do it. I can’t do any of this.
After some persuading, I found myself in the counseling center once a week for only a few weeks, then in psych services for the remainder of the semester. I must fix myself. I sat in her office, uncomfortable, nauseous, exhausted, and depressed. Talking didn’t help my daily nausea or worried soul, but I kept going. I kept going to class, finishing assignments, papers, and projects, and finally getting my degree. Magna cum laude with anxiety.
I can’t say actually getting sleep or eating reverses the effects of anxiety, but it helps to see better. The fog is clear now even though I often find myself nauseous. Every time I do something a bit risky, like taking a high-stress job to start paying off my loans, the tiniest amount of stress results in panic. My mind can’t take any amount of stress. It feels attacked overwhelmed.
I must explain to others what I have even though I don’t believe it’s valid or real. I felt embarrassed and ashamed at first. It’s difficult to admit I have a problem, but that is my first hurdle to overcome.
The first step I took in my mental health journey consists of addressing and saying out loud that what I have is real. I write to make all the lists real and tangible. What aids the stress in my head is no longer in my head, but instead reversed into something positive. I write down everything.
I’m in control again.
It’s been two years since I graduated and I’m now starting to get back my ambitious spirit. I found myself afraid and unable to take risks because fear became my mirror. I’m no longer a robotic perfectionist expecting no mistakes from myself, I take my time, and I put myself first.
Self-care isn’t an idea we teach ourselves to prioritize but it’s the most fundamental necessity — the mental just as important as the physical. We must learn our boundaries and limits and figure out if the risks and stress we take are worth our energy.
Having anxiety, depression, or any mental illness or limitation does not mean we can’t have high standards, ambitions, and goals. We just know where our boundaries and limits lie. We must prioritize our self-care over anything else and that is ok. The constant task of weighing our options and declining some opportunities will be our regular because we know that we can’t do everything. That’s what self-care is.
We are able to do what we want despite the obstacles we face. The more we learn how best to take care of ourselves, the better we become at making sound and reasonable decisions about your future.
We can do this “adulting” thing.
Im so excited to announce that I will be hosting The Mighty Mic, an open mic creative event where we all are mighty together. In this event, we will express ourselves in our strength as we discuss our anxiety and depression. The mic is open to those who want to share their stories, poems, songs, articles, speeches; whatever 5-minute piece they would want others to hear. This is a safe space where we will be ourselves, share, and build community!
If you would like to come, please refer to this Facebook Event link and click the “going” option if you would be joining me or even “interested” if you just need to readjust your schedule!
We will have so much fun as we share our stories and build confidence in our journey as we learn we are not alone!
Details are on the flyer above!
Making decisions with anxiety and depression can leave you in a weak and vulnerable state. Not being able to take every opportunity or apply for every job can be stressful as you may find yourself frustrated and less-than because of it.
I was faced with declining a job because I prioritized my mental health and here is what I have to say about it:
NEW WEBSITE ALERT!
I’m extremely excited about being a contributor writer for another website — DefyingShadows.com!
Defying Shadows Logo
My first article published on Defying Shadows is focused on two consecutive symptoms of depression that are often frustrating to comprehend for those who experience depression as well as their loved ones.
If you experience these symptoms, communicating can help others understand how to best support you.
Check it out here!
Change is taboo for those who do not want shifts that may make them uncomfortable. Unfamiliar spaces make us feel like we’re out of control, therefore, causing us anxiety. What do we do when we are faced with changes? Not all changes are positive (or feel positive). What do we do when changes affect our mental health?
Think of these questions when you are faced with uncomfortable changes.
As we move and shift around in our daily lives, we will learn that change is inevitable, but sometimes we don’t know how to think about unfamiliar territory creeping into our comfort zone. What do we do? We challenge ourselves to use our changes to fuel our growth. We navigate those changes to help us and not hurt or hinder our progress.
Take it slow as you become more and more patient with your progress. Take one step at a time, giving yourself small tasks to be proud of.
With grace, you will find peace and power in those simple accomplishments. That, in itself, is a step forward in your goals.
Some days are more difficult than others, but that does not mean whatever you do get done is no less wonderful and brave.
Your accomplishments are what make you stronger and capable of doing more. The joy you feel because you accomplished something will make it easier the next time you find yourself in a stuck space.
You did it before, you can do it again.
Affirmation: I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to.
Today we are brave.
Today we are courageous.
Today we are going to see our value and capabilities.
Today and everyday we have purpose and we have willpower.
We will not look down on ourselves for having bad days.
We have strength today.
We have strength everyday.
Link to thought on The Mighty: This Morning #WeHaveMightyPower
SparklyWarTanks 