Surface even at your lowest point. Surface when everything is caving in. Surface because there is no where to go but up, toward the surface. Where power is, and opportunity. Go to where there is healing.
She is becoming and no one can stop her progress. She is transforming, becoming something more than she ever imagined. Like the butterfly, she built her cocoon, but before anyone could realize how long shes been away, she broke out, starting from her mind, her old ways shedding like a snake’s scales, away and left like old news. She is becoming. She has made herself into something great. From the scars of her psyche, to the bruises pounding her heart, she made it. Althought she wanted to sit and enjoy the evergreens of complacency, she got up, and there she started her process…of becoming.
I saw myself change in a matter of a year. The transformation drastic. I can recognize who I am now, when before it was blurry. With the change came progress and opportunities. With opportunities came decisions. As I sit between my past and my future, I can’t help to see the beauty in the collision between the darkness and the light. I still have what I was in me, but as I grow farther from it, I see the lesson, and that lesson is the mist. The light is waiting to take over the rest.
It’s been a difficult few weeks and I find myself getting more and more discouraged so this letter is to me from me with love, affection, power, and strength.
Hey girl! I see you struggling and I know you’re starting to doubt yourself again. I see you starting to not believe in how much you worked and how much you sacrificed to be in the place you’re in now. I see that you’re starting to feel like you aren’t good enough and that you wasted your time in the classroom. I see that you feel invisible and unattractive. I see that you feel trapped, unskilled, and untalented. I see that you feel ashamed that you struggle mentally and you often wonder how it would feel to be “normal” and unafraid of the strains of every day. I see that it takes so much work just to be happy that a new day has come because you feel like you should be successful with opportunity, strength, and power.
But I also see that you gained more strength I’ve ever seen you have before. That you try your hardest and prove to yourself every day that it’s possible to, despite the struggle, regain consciousness of the reality of hope and positivity. And even though things have been difficult, you still seem to always persevere, you seem to always push through. Every obstacle that has come in your way since you were young has never devoured you. When you were grappling with your mental health in high school and college, you always made it past the panic and the tears. You always showed up and showed out even when you didn’t want to. When you didn’t have motivation, when you didn’t want to go to the counseling center or psych services you did. When they took away your financial aid and you almost didn’t go to college things turned around. When you were called weak and told you were unable to reach the standards of your major in high school, you showed that you were, you were tossed from one choir to another, but you still showed that you were good enough. When you were on conditional in a program you wanted to be in so bad, you made that conditional a permanent. And all the times you were outcasted and alone, when you were by yourself you always sparkled with power, self-control, and self-respect. This is not even half of the things you struggle with, but its shows a lot about how much you’ve overcome.
You are beautiful, worthy, and strong. Only strength can endure all that you have gone through and still have the courage to want to tell other people that they can do anything despite the world telling them that they can’t because of their gender, beliefs, sexuality, or any other identity marker that makes them who they are. You are okay and you will continue to be okay. Just take deep breaths and raise your head. Your life is not for no reason. You have a reason to keep trying to do your best.
From the one that loves you the most,
So, even though it may seem blurry right now and you don’t want to be positive, try to be kind to yourself. Always be kind to yourself. Turn the negative self-talk phrases into encouraging ones. Make your perception light, even if your circumstance is dark and smudged. Even when you have all the reasons to be hopeless, let hope blossom instead.
Who you are combined with your identity, how you see yourself, and your point of view is whats going to reveal your purpose. Your purpose will not appear to you out of nowhere, it’s going to accumulate and build up based on your life experiences, your struggles, your flaws, your strengths, and the battles you have won. Your purpose is yours and only yours because only you have perceptions based on the life you live. You are the most important part of the equation and you are unique to your own purpose. Labor on yourself and keep moving even when you don’t want to. While you work on yourself, you are also working on your purpose. Your glory story is revealed in the process of self-realizing your purpose.
Keep laboring on your struggles and triumph. Keep trying even when you’re tired. Keep working even when your hands get callused. Keep standing even when you get pushed to the ground.
All of this is what your glory story will be. Your glory story makes you a hero. You save yourself everyday and while you save yourself, you save the lives of the on looker and the people you encounter all the time.
Write your glory story, labor on your purpose.
Submerged and fall
Into the dark space where you are alone with yourself
Drown in the depth of yourself and stay there
Die to normality and resurrect into individuality
Let yourself be enveloped in the seas of your creative mind
Create what only your mind can sprout
Mold and plant
Let the seas around you overwhelm your creative
Fall deep in the darkest place in the bottom of the sea
Let yourself hit the sea floor
Let your body and mind save you
Swim up to the shore
From the bottom of the sea you are born once again
But something in you has died
The ones that held your creative captive
You left them at the bottom of the sea
Thats the part of you that stayed submerged
You drowned, but you still breathe
You breathe by yourself
The image has been created
Die to normality and resurrect into individuality
I was scared of my deepened sadness and pessimism
I was scared when I started to panic
I was scared when my shadow was resurrecting itself from the depths of my regression
The ways I wanted to perfect myself in the mirror or I would hate how I looked
The ways I didn’t believe anymore
The way I felt what everyone else was feeling
The anger I felt when they said I couldn’t
I locked myself in my room
I closed my door
I stood by myself
Myself was coming out
I wanted to lock her back in my psyche
I realized that who she is who I am
I wanted to swallow her in myself
It’s better not to cope in that way…
Cope with regression
Instead of coping with progression
I learned that she is me
The me who was a step ahead of who I was
I read the note she wrote me when she came out
I am dangerous
I am who you are
The girl who is unafraid
Unafraid of the unknown ahead
Because you don’t know who I am
But I know who you are
And it’s time for that girl to wake up a woman
A woman who is unapologetically in control of herself
And nothing will make her afraid of every part of herself that she once hid away from reality
She is you and you can’t hide her anymore
I am here and I am you
Digest the words…
This is a beginning
February has been a month of inner confidence and perseverance despite self-discouragement, but also a month of continued change and progress. Perseverance is the one thing that will show your strength in troubled situations and continuous turmoil. The more you push through and work even when you’re tired and dreary, the more you convince yourself that what you’re doing is worth it, then you will always persevere through it. Your power is limitless once you continue overcoming everything that’s placed in your way. Normality might get in your way, negativity might get in your way, self-doubt, self-hate, lack of finances, lack of motivation all might get in your way, but overcoming those obstacles will build someone not phased by downfalls, but someone who stands and faces any challenge.
These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize. This is depth therapy:
Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes. A portal of perspective. Hear me out.
This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…
Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…
the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…
I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…
I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people
The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…
Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home
But this ends today
The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence. You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.
You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.
Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.
You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.
If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter. There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.
Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.
You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.