I connect with the inner workings of my mind. I connect with myself. Who am I? What am I doing here? I sit and I ponder as I press the keys on my keyboard. Words flow from my mind to the ends of my fingertips. I’m free to express my thoughts, the energy of my consciousness. I create because I am the creator. I set the tone to what is happening to me. I am because I exist. I exist because I am. I am one with myself. I’ve come to know peace.
the depths of my shadow make me feel like a black hole…a never ending cycle of unfortunate events.
I am a masterpiece…
Despite the unwarranted attachments to the ideals and ideas that resemble the finish line of what I’ve been chasing after.
The messy boundaries, the tsunami of emotions that overpower the logical parts of me.
I am still a masterpiece…
Even after the labels, stamps, post-its, and reminders that maybe I wasn’t born to be.
Maybe the symptoms, sleepless nights, ruminating thoughts, or the clouds I ride to hide from certain parts of me.
I. Am. A. Masterpiece.
No matter who I’m with, or what I’ve done. No matter the sicknesses, or shame, or guilt, or grief.
The carefully crafted intricacies of who I am, the paint strokes of my personality, the network of veins, the heart that pumps blood, feels in bright red, my eyes that see, nose that smells, tongue that taste. All that I am is immeasurable. Unable to fit comfortably by the shackles of definitions.
The universe sleeps within my soul. I am more.
My energy contagious, spreading peace with every breath I breathe. This is me.
The more I reflect, the more I realize how much energy it’s taking to process the grief that’s these past three years has weighed on my body, my heart, and my spirit. And even though I push past every time, I’m still tired.
Is anyone else like me? Where navigating the World is overwhelming some days. Where I try my best, but still it’s hard not to compare my life to others. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live life as if I was another?
Where you asks the questions that don’t matter, but still blossom into ruminating thoughts. Like, will they accept me? Or, Can someone love me, too? Maybe, will I ever really feel free to be myself, 100% myself, without worrying that I’m too weird or different for the eyes that witness me? Perhaps it’s the sicknesses that plague my body that dictate my fate after all?
Who can love me, too? I ask myself as I wake up in an anxious puddle of sweat dripping down my burdened shoulders.
Maybe, just maybe it’s possible. The love. The acceptance. The bliss of freedom to be myself without fear.
I ask the universe to allow me that freedom. Right now, I manifest that freedom. I am free from the drought of shame, grief, and guit. I am worthy of the love I seek because it seeks me too. I am ready to receive.
Healing Letters of Reflection: [Topics- Codependency and Anxious Attachment]
I understand now. I understand what I was meant to learn. How I was in pain too. But, I was trying to make you love me, even though you didn’t want to. I’m sorry. You were in pain like me. The cycles of run and chase. I saw something I knew I could love, so I latched onto that feeling. I was wrong though. Because, I was in pain and needed to manage and take care of my heart first. I needed to love myself more and I didn’t. I wanted to love you because I saw myself in you. Maybe loving you would help me love myself? No. That’s not how that works. Being alone was scary. It was a step into an oblivion of nothingness. What am I to do with all this pain I feel into an unknown future? Can I do it? Wow, do I even believe in myself? Who am I? What do I even want? It’s the ideas, the potential, the feeling. It’s the fear of changing into a person I don’t know.
…Well I’m that person now. The person I was scared to become because, who is she? She can see. She gets it. She understands.
I understand now. That I was in pain. I was panicking. Trauma responses left and right. Trying to fix. Fixate. Control. Overexplain. Change someone else. I was the one who needed changing. But, that’s okay…because I understand now. So, thank you. You helped me to see, because everything was foggy back then. I hope everything is good with you. I hope you can understand, too.
I met peace today. I didn’t expect it to feel this way. An all encompassing power of surrender. A knowing. A feeling. Being. A state of awareness, of falling like a bird knowing the safety of freedom from the wings that will save me.
Trusting self. Knowing self. One with consciousness. No more asking questions of “who am I?” but only “I am”. Basking in a green vibrant meadow filled with an ocean of flowers. A kiss from passing wind. Sitting. One with my energy. Flowing. Existing. Awakening. Comfort and confidence in self. Moments gratitude.
Witnessing one of nature’s wonders. A waterfall of crystal clear bliss. A mountain of stern certainty. Mimicking the wonders of the moon and sun. Peace. Surrendering to right now. Present. Just as it suggest, a gift of divine intervention.
A greeting. A congradulations. A integration of self. Unconditional love of self. Integrating trauma, self-awareness and transformation. Alchemy. An equal give and take. Balance. Understanding pain.
The student. The teacher. Connection. Compassion. Love. Oneness with love. Love of self is love of others. Freedom and liberation. Silence of the mind. Being the crafter. Being the creator. Stroking the pen as I see fit to write my story.
Peace. It’s me. I am peace. Peace is inside of me.
I remember planting this seed and thinking it would never grow. Pressured by the expectation that I’m doing something wrong, I was plagued with thoughts that if it didn’t show it’s growth it would be my fault.
But, although my expectations were low, it grew anyway and the tears I shed when it showed its little leaves made me realize I’m okay.
I’m okay because the seed is planted and as long as I have even the slightest hope that it would grow, it just might grow.
With every breath in me and all of my energy, I push past the parts of myself that tell me I can’t.
Even on the mornings I ask “why?” I embody the character of resiliency.
“I am” despite the thoughts that say “I’m not.”
I define every day with what living means.
I draw it in cursive along the walls of my subconscious.
I deserve peace and I manifest it in every moment.
Although I need time to get my pain together, my strength always takes the lead.
What I have is the power those thoughts try to take from me.
But, even when I feel I’m at my lowest when the fear feels bigger than the triumph,
I get up.
I get up. Every. Single. Time.
Why? Because “I am.”
Ever thought what it would be like to be a superhero? How would you go about crafting your superhero persona?
-What would you call yourself?
-What would your superpower be?
-What would be your catchphrase or superhero slogan?!
Feel free to be as creative as possible. You’re the superhero!
If I were a superhero, my name would be Empathycia and my superpower would be the ability to spread peace wherever I go and to whoever I speak to. My slogan would be “within every heart there is a capacity to feel and know peace.”
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