Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, mental health, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 19


This is a letter from one of those whos killed herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows. The loser. The second best. The one whos been rejected. The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it.  The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect. The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep. The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast. The one who raised her hand every class. The one who was the weakest link. The one who couldn’t go to graduate school. The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be…the best. 

The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are. 

Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Reflection, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

One Reflection 

We are getting closer to the end of this year and I can’t help but be thankful. In the moments of darkness and in those of light, I’ve still been able to breathe. While I had to maintain and sustain myself to keep going, while sometimes I felt weakest, I can stand to say I made it through every moment. My imagination and creativity went crazy and for that I’m most excited. This year has been a sparkly one and in a war zone at that. While I continue to build my tough skin and stamina, while I continue to transform into a heightened self, I want to thank those who loved me through every moment. So much new has come this year it was overwhelming, but so much old has stayed too. 

SparklyWarTanks will continue to get stronger and so will my love and gratitude, especially for those who  keep up with me. New thing will come in the years to come and I’m ready. 

I’m ready to continue to declare war for myself and for others. For my women, those that struggle to wake up and those that have no other choice to be strong. I also declare war for the sake of equality and justice to dismantle the patriarchy and white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, islamaphobia, all those things that push us into fearing one another, its time to take those ideologies and break them. Through these systems we are seperate, but only in unity will we become our most enlightened selves. 

While we have so much to do, we still have the potential to be our greatest selves, as a community, as a society, as one.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Videos, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

An Intro: Confessions of my Anxiety and Depression

This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here.  This is my attempt at talking about what I go through.  It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating.  It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it.  Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down.  Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through.  This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future.  The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me.  Hope you enjoy.

This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety.  This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real.  This is me facing my monsters.  This is me putting myself out in the open.  This is me healing.

Posted in Confessions, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 15

It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters. 

It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break. 

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Notes, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 14

This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.

This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.

This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.

This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.

The cash register.

The buttons.

The combinations.

The prices.

I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.

The questions. All the questions.

The people. All the people.

The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.