This is a letter from one of those whos killed herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows. The loser. The second best. The one whos been rejected. The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it. The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect. The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep. The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast. The one who raised her hand every class. The one who was the weakest link. The one who couldn’t go to graduate school. The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be…the best.
The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.
Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.
I will continue to love and live. I will not look behind me. I will continue to look forward.
You give yourself your strength and you give yourself your power. Your power and strength is based on your ability to know yourself in every level, aspect, and perspective. As you grow yourself, you grow your strength and the more powerful you will become. Strength does not come in complacency so work on yourself daily, grow in your own shoes. Become yourself. The more of you that you become, the more power you will then see.
Note 18: I’ve realized that being tired is a part of being an adult especially when you’re trying to create yourself. Even when you’re really tired, however, you can always create something. You can create something big or something small. Let your creativity flow even when you’re exhausted.
We are getting closer to the end of this year and I can’t help but be thankful. In the moments of darkness and in those of light, I’ve still been able to breathe. While I had to maintain and sustain myself to keep going, while sometimes I felt weakest, I can stand to say I made it through every moment. My imagination and creativity went crazy and for that I’m most excited. This year has been a sparkly one and in a war zone at that. While I continue to build my tough skin and stamina, while I continue to transform into a heightened self, I want to thank those who loved me through every moment. So much new has come this year it was overwhelming, but so much old has stayed too.
SparklyWarTanks will continue to get stronger and so will my love and gratitude, especially for those who keep up with me. New thing will come in the years to come and I’m ready.
I’m ready to continue to declare war for myself and for others. For my women, those that struggle to wake up and those that have no other choice to be strong. I also declare war for the sake of equality and justice to dismantle the patriarchy and white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, islamaphobia, all those things that push us into fearing one another, its time to take those ideologies and break them. Through these systems we are seperate, but only in unity will we become our most enlightened selves.
While we have so much to do, we still have the potential to be our greatest selves, as a community, as a society, as one.
Kindness and compassion are choices. Choose to be kind. Choose to be compassionate. Let others know that they are not alone and can get help. Practice empathy in kindness and feel empathy in compassion. Validate someone else’s existence and experience through your use of compassion.
Also practice self-kindness and compassion. Respect and value who you are. Just as someone else can hurt you, you can also hurt yourself. Watch how you interact with yourself in the ways you think and what you consume. Fill yourself with ideas, foods, thoughts, drinks, and perspectives that are healthy for you.
Choose to build on kindness and compassion in order for them to be who you are. You are kindness and you are compassion.
This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here. This is my attempt at talking about what I go through. It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating. It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it. Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down. Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through. This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future. The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me. Hope you enjoy.
This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety. This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real. This is me facing my monsters. This is me putting myself out in the open. This is me healing.
Create a masterpiece in your dark place. Make something amazing in your sorrows. Be creative in your struggles. Those are your best pieces of art.
When your mind is in darkness is the best canvas to create something powerful.