Simply because I’ve been in a mental turmoil, I ask to be reeled into safety where I can find peace again. Peace will fight for me. Peace can teach me to hope again. Where did my peace go? Please, peace come back to me.
Read it on The Mighty!
The Mental Breakdown
Mental. Break. Down.
Broken.
You are broken.
Not good enough.
Keep to yourself.
Be quiet.
You’re dramatic.
Relax.
It’s not that serious.
Get over it.
Be quiet.
Pain.
Fake.
You are faking.
You have a fake illness.
It’s not that serious.
You are being difficult again.
No one wants to hear you.
You’re talking too much.
Be quiet.
Your fault.
Look what you did.
You’re poor.
Failing.
You’re failing.
Be quiet.
Quiet.
Be quiet.
Quiet.Silence….
What is it to have a mental breakdown? To feel the gradual overflow and overwhelm. To give in and allow the thoughts to consume all of you. The mental breakdown that takes you with it. That you believe everything it says. To be overruled by sadness and anxiety. To judge yourself so much it becomes who you are. To you it becomes truth. Every problem is your fault, and every mistake yours to make.
The mental breakdown.
Start With Yourself
In this context of healing, you are progressing, letting go, moving on, and allowing yourself rest from constant mental turmoil. What does that look like for you? What do you need to come to terms with to allow the healing process to surface and take its course?
Say whatever is bothering your peace of mind out loud. Speak in order to establish the pain. Do not remain in denial or give excuses. What is it that bothers you the most?
When you put together the pain you feel into words affirm and declare something different. Speak in terms of what, why, and how in order to establish contact with the pain and negative thoughts.
What now? What do you need in order to let go? How will you take a step forward from that point of pain?
Start with yourself. Turn pain into peace. Establish peace in pain.
BayArt Article Yearly Transitions: A Continuation
“The new year can be a great time to improve yourself, but it’s not the only time. Don’t forget all the progress you’ve already made. Add on to that progress. Build yourself up. Make your goals, resolutions, next steps, and aspirations a priority.”
Check out the article below!
Yearly Transitions: A Continuation
#WriteItDown Declaration to Live by and Internalize: Something I Learned About Life in the Past 365 Days is…
@JacquelineWhitney_ posted this open-ended prompt on her Instagram story.
While debating whether to participate, respond, and complete this prompt, I thought about lessons I learned in the past year. What new perspective and positive self-talk do I want to continue and pursue during this year and after? I decided I wanted to continue on through the new year with confidence in my ability to believe in myself and my strength. Using ongoing active positive statements to lead in further progress, I’m able to achieve my goal of pursuing, believing, and working toward all I’m able to.
The word of the year is confidence.
Bulletin: Moving Toward Learning
Learn with self-compassion in mind. As you move toward progressing into who you want to become, know who you are. Understand yourself enough to plan and execute decisions that are fit for you, your schedule, and what you can endure. It’s necessary to have boundaries and strategic goals as you enter new spaces.
Be your own leader as you negotiate, navigate, and critically think about the opportunities that come your way.
You are worthy of greatness and success, but remember to think everything through. Failure is a state of mind, move on from opportunities that did not fit your journey. Keep trying.
You are in control of yourself. Remember to include yourself in every decision. Move at a steady pace, there is no rush.
Let’s make our next decisions moments we are proud of.
#WriteItDown Declarations to Live By and Internalize: Control and Compassion
In moving on in self-awareness, I will move on to a new cycle of 2019 with learning and improving my control and compassion.
As I write I declare and affirm that I will be able to control the thoughts that may consume me and practice self-compassion. I may also make conscious and progressive decisions and reach the success I see for myself. I will take my time and do my best in my journey.
Self-love will lead my continued journey and I will find refuge in self-care as I’m working toward my goals.
Surviving the Holidays: Questions and Tactics to Navigating Your Mental Wellness (Defying Shadows)
For some, the holiday season is especially difficult to deal with. So, what does it mean to prioritize your mental health during this time of year?
Check out my Defying Shadows article where I explain and express some helpful tips for dealing with the holidays like asking yourself important questions, navigating the best tactics to stay mentally stable, and embracing boundaries!
Surviving the Holidays: Questions and Tactics to Navigating Your Mental Wellness
A Reflection: The Mighty Mic
The Mighty Mic was an amazing experience. I’m extremely grateful that I was able to collaborate with The Mighty to help my community as they find strength in their mental health struggles. Here are some highlights from my event and a message that I learned. I will be planning and hosting more events so stay tuned!
My Open Mic Poem: A Messy Masterpiece
I look up to the rainbow that extends from one end of the equator to the other.
The rain that just passed has drenched me with growing pains as the flowers sprout from my insides out.
A messy masterpiece they called me.
As I feel the thunderstorms inside my gut, my tears run frantically like uncontrolled children in the playground.
A messy masterpiece they call me.
I can’t breathe like someone is putting duct tape on my mouth as I try to scream, my surrounding get blurry again, I can’t see
Overwhelm
A messy masterpiece they call me
I’m a mess I say
They say
They look at me confused because I’m in one of my silent spells, they think I’m upset but really I’m in this deep dark place in my head, my body is free but my mind captive
A messy masterpiece they call me
Sometimes my bed arrest me
I’m in trouble from the thoughts that told on me, I broke the law
Now I’m confined to my pillow and blankets, I got life but I’m planning on breaking out
Sooner than later because I deserve to be free
Sooner than later because I deserve to be free
A messy masterpiece they call me
You see, my footprints tell a story
It’s not just an abandoned trial
It’s meant to be a pathway for other people like me
How I walked that walk and now they can see a way they can go
They too are messy masterpieces fashioned together to make beautiful poetry learning that their voices too do still matter
Because ears that need to listen will be drawn to the sounds of their voices in the distance
Because ears that need to listen will be drawn to the sounds of their voices in the distance
The Mighty Voices
A messy masterpiece they call me
My Story and Advice
After some mighty poets and speakers shared I was compelled to share my story to them as well. I noticed a pattern in the themes that recurred in the poems and pieces everyone shared and thought I would give some advice based on what I learned.
Late Night Talks With Nina: Final Thoughts
Navigating Purpose
Purpose, worth, self-talk, and identity were themes that recurred while I sat and soaked in the message of each story. While we are faced with difficulties with our mental health, it’s often due to mental conversations about those themes. As we continue on in our journey and our battle we must let go of the notion of a single purpose or single mission conforming to the standards of the society we live. Instead, we must continuously walk in our own self-fulfillment-whatever that looks like-while also navigating our peace through the opportunities we are able to take up. We live our life through how much we are filled with happiness and satisfaction with what we are doing. Let’s not waste ourselves with expecting purpose to manifest without manifesting ourselves in the process. We manifest purpose by being alive and continue fulfilling our own talents. Learn yourself, love yourself, and find peace through appreciating your life and the opportunity to live it.
Why I Claim my Anxiety and Depression
Mental Illness and Religion
Depression
I struggled with depression for a lot of my teenage years unknowingly; falling into silent spells or isolation cycles were “normal” ways I would deal with how I felt. Because of this, depression remained regular. The pain was me.
When I thought about depression or sadness my mind would drift off to what my former pastors would suggest— praying, fasting, and going to church healed all wombs. I often heard, “mental illness was a weakness, ‘the devil’ is consuming your thoughts to keep you from what God has for you. The only way I could be better was to do what God wants me to do. If you’re continuously doing bad, then it’s your fault. You are not trying hard enough. Do not ever claim depression on your life. Don’t say that out loud! If you say it you are manifesting that demon on yourself.” Frightening, right?
Because of those words, I grew up scared of myself, my thoughts, and God punishing me. I felt relief in my good days but tormented on my bad. Maybe if I tried to be “as holy” as I could then maybe I would feel better. The day never came where just praying and fasting relieved my depressive thoughts though.
Here Comes Anxiety…
When first faced with crippling anxiety, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and discouraged. I isolated myself and talked to no one about my struggles. It wasn’t real. I tried to push harder even when I felt exhausted. Self-care, mental health, or anxiety weren’t words or phrases I knew much about anyway. I just had to pray, right? My relationship with God is not strong enough. I kept pushing myself well past my physical and mental limits until I couldn’t anymore. The more I dismissed my symptoms and repressed my feelings, the more I felt powerless, hopeless, and weak.
Moving Forward
Writing Therapy
In order to feel better, I challenged myself to think deeper. What do I do to move forward? As I constantly struggled to find peace in my mental turmoil, I looked to my writing and voice for refuge. The day I felt most empowered, most liberated, and most peace fell on one day, the day I uttered the words “I have depression and struggle with anxiety.”
While I long left the church because I wanted to find myself aside from religious indoctrination, I started writing, and the words I typed and wrote freed me from my thoughts. Thoughts became tangible. Words became ideas I could look at. I manipulated those words to something positive and uplifting. I began reflecting on and discussing what mental health meant for me, asking critical questions combining my pain with creativity. Excitement filled me again.
Final Thoughts
My projects now bring me to life, they are my medicine. The words I utter, the words I write are my power. I am new, I feel refreshed. I wage war on my mental health struggles, expectations, and stereotypes that bind me and my progress (hence why my writing space/blog is SparklyWarTanks).
Even though I still struggle, I continue to write and think of new and creative ways to express myself. I’m currently planning and hosting events too! There is power in words, whether it’s saying them, writing them, or thinking them.
Claiming my anxiety and depression was not a downfall manifesting struggle and doom to my life, claiming anxiety and depression gave me the power that helped me to liberate my perspective, relieve my mind, and continue on in the progression of becoming myself.
