You ever been so tired your bones hurt?
You ever been so tired your eyes were heavy and your head nodded to the side?
You ever felt so tired that you could feel real tears forming in your eyes because all you wanted was to be able to sleep?
My worst fear in life is to feel this type of exhaustion again. To feel so much in a daze about reality that I wanted a break from being awake. I’ve become this exhausted more than one time, and I’m so afraid of feeling like this again. I’m afraid of the headaches, the irritation, the hunger, the dissociation, the lack of energy, and the anxiety that comes with it.
While my sleeping patterns will probably never get to where they need to be, I can always count on being able to sleep through the mornings while I gather myself to live through the next day.
College and food service jobs exhausted me so much I just want to be in bed. I want to recover and be able to sleep as much as I need to. I guess that’s why I’m afraid of getting another job.
I don’t want to feel this type of exhaustion again.
I’ve never felt so proud of myself ever before.
The excitement to create or make something and call it mine.
To give myself credit is to create power in myself.
I feel my purpose in this. This is my healing and my strength.
My self-worth is my motivation. And as I become more and more engulfed in my self-journey, I can feel joy like no other.
A joy that is great and more overwhelming then I could imagine.
This. Is. Me.
The way I can imagine something and give it life. The way I can create using words. A story made into art.
This is sparklywartanks.
Sparklywartanks is the birth of my identity. The creation of the lion in my dream.
I will work until I build what my vision has crafted.
The hardest part of my life gave birth to my purpose so I thank the struggle for making the diamond.
My motivation has never been this intense.
It’s time to create something. Something that reflects what I see in my mind because it’s beautiful.
Before I developed anxiety, I would push myself to my limit. My perfectionism didn’t allow me to do anything but my best, and because of that I never looked at myself or my health before making decisions. In my days after college living with anxiety, making decisions about everything has to be thought out with my health first changing my approach on life entirely.
I’ve been in the most uncomfortable situations because I have to explain to people that I can’t. I’ve never known myself to not do something because of my mental health, but the past 2 years have been both humiliating and embarrassing. I have to measure stress levels in environmens, decide what’s best for me based on whether I would get overwhelmed or not and it’s not been easy what’s so ever.
I’ve learned, however, that because of my anxiety I’m the most important person in my life. If I want to heal, I have to put myself first no matter who judges me and thinks that I’m weak, overexagerating, or believes what I’m going through is not real. Although I’ve cried having this realization many times in the past year, I can say that I refuse to have another panic attack another day in my life. I will not backtrack my healing to make money or satisfy anyone’s inability to see the realness in my struggle.
I’m my first priority and I will find peace in my mental chaos. I will surround myself with things that are good and not allow anyone to tell me that I’m crazy.
I love myself and will continue with my healing in ways that I know best. The only person who can tell me how to heal me is me. I will heal by understanding and knowing myself.
My healing will progress by me having a voice about my well-being.
As I learn to explain what anxiety is to others, I have to first validate what it is in my head and love myself through it. Anxiety is something I go through everyday and by understanding where it came from, I can treat it and take steps in my healing process.
We are getting closer to the end of this year and I can’t help but be thankful. In the moments of darkness and in those of light, I’ve still been able to breathe. While I had to maintain and sustain myself to keep going, while sometimes I felt weakest, I can stand to say I made it through every moment. My imagination and creativity went crazy and for that I’m most excited. This year has been a sparkly one and in a war zone at that. While I continue to build my tough skin and stamina, while I continue to transform into a heightened self, I want to thank those who loved me through every moment. So much new has come this year it was overwhelming, but so much old has stayed too.
SparklyWarTanks will continue to get stronger and so will my love and gratitude, especially for those who keep up with me. New thing will come in the years to come and I’m ready.
I’m ready to continue to declare war for myself and for others. For my women, those that struggle to wake up and those that have no other choice to be strong. I also declare war for the sake of equality and justice to dismantle the patriarchy and white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, islamaphobia, all those things that push us into fearing one another, its time to take those ideologies and break them. Through these systems we are seperate, but only in unity will we become our most enlightened selves.
While we have so much to do, we still have the potential to be our greatest selves, as a community, as a society, as one.