My #metoo story
When I was in middle school, on my way to school one day, a grown man grabbed my butt. Startled and confused I looked back trembling to see him smiling as he walked away in satisfaction of his actions. I did not know this man. There were hundreds of kids around as it was by a high school and bus stop. I trembled the rest of the day, could feel my nerves all of sudden feel uneasy. I avoid the area where this happened to me. I feel uncomfortable to be alone outside sometimes. I’m hyperaware when I’m alone and often paranoid to walk by large groups of guys.
What’s happening now makes me more uncomfortable and afraid then I was before. The power I lost that day was unreal. To see so many women coming out in #metoo, to express their hopelessness in this country’s justice system to help makes me disgusted. To read the comments on these posts of people justifying these actions because of a loss of time or lack of evidence makes me furious. No one saw what happened to me that day, where there were swarms of people. I didn’t think what happened to me mattered. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t grasp the idea that this was not ok. All I felt was a loss of self and of safety. I just want to feel safe again. When will I feel safe again?
It was a lot to think about this today. To think how often sexual assault, rape, and harassment happens on a daily basis. As women, we have to always be aware, be awake, and be looking out for our safety. It’s not fair for us to live like this. I’ve been disgruntled and uncomfortable all month.
Stay safe and be careful. It’s never your fault if these horrible things have happened to you (whether you’re a man or a woman).
I love you and I’m here if anyone wants to vent.
When I look at myself, this is what I see. I see someone who is able, but troubled, someone who loves, who cares, a fighter, a creator, a writer, a empath. When I see myself, I see someone who is many things. I see someone who has the power to be someone. I see change. I see struggle. I see growth.
Look at yourself. What do you see?
Make sure to look at all parts of you. All the parts that make you someone.
Sometimes we look at ourselves and we don’t know what we see. We don’t know who we are.
Look at yourself and tell me what you see.
You are a beautiful multifaceted masterpiece. It’s not enough to look at our pain and let it define all of who we are. We have to break ourselves a part to get to every piece of jewel.
We have so much in us that we toss to the side. We must dig deep to find our drive and our will to continously know who we are.
Let’s find our light together.
Heal with me.
Comment below what you see when you look at yourself. Focus on everything (not just the good or the bad, but remember to be gentle with yourself). And as we begin to see, we begin to reflect and to grow in our self-acceptance.
Not everyday will be easy, and not every moment will be peaceful, but what matters is the fight you put for yourself to continue on in spite of the struggle. Although life may put you in quicksand, remember to be still and let those sorrows pass you. You will then realize you were never sinking. Find peace of mind when you’re alone in a shaky place. Relax your chaos, then rest. You won the battle.
You ever been so tired your bones hurt?
You ever been so tired your eyes were heavy and your head nodded to the side?
You ever felt so tired that you could feel real tears forming in your eyes because all you wanted was to be able to sleep?
My worst fear in life is to feel this type of exhaustion again. To feel so much in a daze about reality that I wanted a break from being awake. I’ve become this exhausted more than one time, and I’m so afraid of feeling like this again. I’m afraid of the headaches, the irritation, the hunger, the dissociation, the lack of energy, and the anxiety that comes with it.
While my sleeping patterns will probably never get to where they need to be, I can always count on being able to sleep through the mornings while I gather myself to live through the next day.
College and food service jobs exhausted me so much I just want to be in bed. I want to recover and be able to sleep as much as I need to. I guess that’s why I’m afraid of getting another job.
I don’t want to feel this type of exhaustion again.
I’ve never felt so proud of myself ever before.
The excitement to create or make something and call it mine.
To give myself credit is to create power in myself.
I feel my purpose in this. This is my healing and my strength.
My self-worth is my motivation. And as I become more and more engulfed in my self-journey, I can feel joy like no other.
A joy that is great and more overwhelming then I could imagine.
This. Is. Me.
The way I can imagine something and give it life. The way I can create using words. A story made into art.
This is sparklywartanks.
Sparklywartanks is the birth of my identity. The creation of the lion in my dream.
I will work until I build what my vision has crafted.
The hardest part of my life gave birth to my purpose so I thank the struggle for making the diamond.
My motivation has never been this intense.
It’s time to create something. Something that reflects what I see in my mind because it’s beautiful.
Before I developed anxiety, I would push myself to my limit. My perfectionism didn’t allow me to do anything but my best, and because of that I never looked at myself or my health before making decisions. In my days after college living with anxiety, making decisions about everything has to be thought out with my health first changing my approach on life entirely.
I’ve been in the most uncomfortable situations because I have to explain to people that I can’t. I’ve never known myself to not do something because of my mental health, but the past 2 years have been both humiliating and embarrassing. I have to measure stress levels in environmens, decide what’s best for me based on whether I would get overwhelmed or not and it’s not been easy what’s so ever.
I’ve learned, however, that because of my anxiety I’m the most important person in my life. If I want to heal, I have to put myself first no matter who judges me and thinks that I’m weak, overexagerating, or believes what I’m going through is not real. Although I’ve cried having this realization many times in the past year, I can say that I refuse to have another panic attack another day in my life. I will not backtrack my healing to make money or satisfy anyone’s inability to see the realness in my struggle.
I’m my first priority and I will find peace in my mental chaos. I will surround myself with things that are good and not allow anyone to tell me that I’m crazy.
I love myself and will continue with my healing in ways that I know best. The only person who can tell me how to heal me is me. I will heal by understanding and knowing myself.
My healing will progress by me having a voice about my well-being.
As I learn to explain what anxiety is to others, I have to first validate what it is in my head and love myself through it. Anxiety is something I go through everyday and by understanding where it came from, I can treat it and take steps in my healing process.
We are getting closer to the end of this year and I can’t help but be thankful. In the moments of darkness and in those of light, I’ve still been able to breathe. While I had to maintain and sustain myself to keep going, while sometimes I felt weakest, I can stand to say I made it through every moment. My imagination and creativity went crazy and for that I’m most excited. This year has been a sparkly one and in a war zone at that. While I continue to build my tough skin and stamina, while I continue to transform into a heightened self, I want to thank those who loved me through every moment. So much new has come this year it was overwhelming, but so much old has stayed too.
SparklyWarTanks will continue to get stronger and so will my love and gratitude, especially for those who keep up with me. New thing will come in the years to come and I’m ready.
I’m ready to continue to declare war for myself and for others. For my women, those that struggle to wake up and those that have no other choice to be strong. I also declare war for the sake of equality and justice to dismantle the patriarchy and white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, islamaphobia, all those things that push us into fearing one another, its time to take those ideologies and break them. Through these systems we are seperate, but only in unity will we become our most enlightened selves.
While we have so much to do, we still have the potential to be our greatest selves, as a community, as a society, as one.