Category: Confessions

Posted in Confessions, Love, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

Dear Little Nina, We’re 30 Years Old Now

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Dear Little Nina,

We’re 30 years old already. Can you believe it?! We made it this far. And, yes, we still have big emotions that feel overwhelming sometimes. But, I’m still working on our goals and I’m continuously redefining what success looks like every day.

We were going through some old pictures with mom a few weeks ago and I finally remember. I remember how you felt most of the time. I remember the moments where you didn’t feel seen or loved by anyone. I remember when you started to use perfectionism and people pleasing to try to get people to notice and prioritize you. I remember when self-hate seeped in, too. I’m unlearning all those things for us, though. You are lovable and don’t need to be perfect for anyone to realize how valuable you are. We don’t need to go above and beyond anymore, hurting ourselves by doing too much, just so people can be happy that we’re around.

I remember when we didn’t know how to identify our emotions and were confused a lot of the time from our sensitivities. I know how often we cried from being overstimulated. No need to worry though. I’ve created safety for us now. You can feel your feelings and no one will get mad or yell at you anymore.

Little Nina, there is nothing wrong with you. There was never anything wrong with you. Our big emotions make us extra special. Our brain gets sad and anxious sometimes now, and sometimes we have bad dreams, but I promise I’ll take care of us.

I know that there were things you really wanted to experience, especially when we were a teen, and it hasn’t happened yet, but that’s OK. We still have more life to live and people to meet. I’m trying my hardest not to give up on certain things. I know how much we value love and want to bask in it as much as possible. But, I can’t say I don’t struggle with that idea still.

I’ve grown in loving US, though. I love you so much and want you to feel safe to be you. You are amazing, talented, funny, and beautiful. Your light is sooo bright and it’ll only get brighter as we get older. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I put boundaries up to protect us, OK?

We are helping other people who felt like you did growing up now. I’m sharing our story so we can help other people feel loved and seen, too.

We’re doing a great job and walking in our purpose. It started with you, though, because you did your best with what you had. I got it from here.

I love you so much 🩷
Big hugs and kisses from 30 year old you,
Adult Nina

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Love, Mental Health, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

A Confession: To the Girls That Are Like Me…

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Here’s to the girl that never had a first dance
Who watched everyone at her school prom get asked out but her
Who’s been told she wasn’t pretty growing up
Who was never anyone’s first choice
Who’s been ghosted over and over
Who’s been told she was too much
Who feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere or with anyone
Who’s been used
Who fell in love with someone that didn’t feel the same
Who wished fairy tales were real
Who has cried herself to sleep wondering what went wrong
Who’s hope and desire for love is withering away with each passing day

Me too

But, despite all of this you are STILL beautiful and worthy of all the love this world has to offer. It’s OK to love on yourself, especially on those days when everything feels heavy and the shame of loneliness is eating at your mental health. There’s nothing wrong with you. You absolutely deserve the companionship you wish for. There’s still life left to live, OK?

I love you. We can continue moving forward together.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Free Write: The Perceptions of Mental Illness And My Fear of Abandonment

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

How’s everyone’s day been? For me I’ve been struggling.

I didn’t realize how hard this pandemic has affected me until I started to reconnect with others. Having perceptions of safety and holding to my boundaries made sense when I built a safe place alone, but it becomes real when something “triggers your inner untapped wound”, and for me its my fear of abandonment. The thought that no matter what, everyone will leave eventually or no matter how hard I try no one can reciprocate the love I feel for them especially when I love them…a lot. I tend to run away in embarrassment because “I love someone who can’t love me too”.

This in my nervous system manifest as PTSD, anxiety, and a slab of persistent depressive disorder.

I talk a lot about reflection and healing, but that’s because I know how it feels to experience a mental health condition. Healing my nervous system has been my biggest challenge so far in my life. If you know what it’s like to have a mental health condition, know that I see you, I feel you, and I love you. This journey doesn’t make you weak because it isn’t for the weak.

Just the idea that I can be perceived as “mentally ill” has kept me from exploring new relationships, but I don’t want that for myself. I deserve to be loved by others. I can be loved by others. I will be loved by others. I’ve healed a lot over the past two and half years, but THIS WOUND? It really HURTS.

In this new season of my life, I know I have to work on this pain specifically and I know it’s going to HURT A LOT. Pushing myself to open up fully, be transparent, and unapologetically love without fear will break me to build me back up.

I know I will make mistakes and some people won’t understand me, but that’s OK. I still want to spread unconditional love and kindness to others.

Thank you for reading. Continue to journey with me ❤️.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Reflection, The Mighty, The Pencil Case on The Mighty

Pencil Case Prompts: Write a comforting letter to yourself.

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Activity

Write a comforting letter to yourself.

My Reflection

I’ll go first 💌

Dear Nina,

I know it’s been a really rough couple of weeks and you feel alone, exhausted, burnt out, and the depression is feeling heavier than usual. I know your thoughts have been racing and you’re wondering if things will get better. I know you’ve been yearning for something you think is impossible to experience, but I want you to know that you’re doing the best you can and it’s OK not to feel OK right now. It’s OK to feel negative emotions sometimes. I want you to know that I’m proud of you. You’ve accomplished so much and you’re worthy of all the happiness and love in the world. You are not void of new experiences and opportunities and this is definitely not the end-all for you. You are so much more and have so much to offer this world. You are amazing, beautiful, and talented beyond measure. I love you so much. We’ll get through this together. You deserve to be celebrated.

Love,
SparklyWarTanks

You can also find this prompt https in The Pencil Case on The Mighty!

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Mental Health, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

The Love I Seek is Also Seeking Me

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Is anyone else as exhausted as I am?

The more I reflect, the more I realize how much energy it’s taking to process the grief that’s these past three years has weighed on my body, my heart, and my spirit. And even though I push past every time, I’m still tired.

Is anyone else like me? Where navigating the World is overwhelming some days. Where I try my best, but still it’s hard not to compare my life to others. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live life as if I was another?

Where you asks the questions that don’t matter, but still blossom into ruminating thoughts. Like, will they accept me? Or, Can someone love me, too? Maybe, will I ever really feel free to be myself, 100% myself, without worrying that I’m too weird or different for the eyes that witness me? Perhaps it’s the sicknesses that plague my body that dictate my fate after all?

Who can love me, too? I ask myself as I wake up in an anxious puddle of sweat dripping down my burdened shoulders.

Maybe, just maybe it’s possible. The love. The acceptance. The bliss of freedom to be myself without fear.

I ask the universe to allow me that freedom.
Right now, I manifest that freedom. I am free from the drought of shame, grief, and guit. I am worthy of the love I seek because it seeks me too. I am ready to receive.

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Love, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Healing Letters of Reflection: Unspoken Words

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Healing Letters of Reflection: 
[Topics- Codependency and Anxious Attachment]

I understand now. I understand what I was meant to learn. How I was in pain too. But, I was trying to make you love me, even though you didn’t want to. I’m sorry. You were in pain like me. The cycles of run and chase. I saw something I knew I could love, so I latched onto that feeling. I was wrong though. Because, I was in pain and needed to manage and take care of my heart first. I needed to love myself more and I didn’t. I wanted to love you because I saw myself in you. Maybe loving you would help me love myself? No. That’s not how that works. Being alone was scary. It was a step into an oblivion of nothingness. What am I to do with all this pain I feel into an unknown future? Can I do it? Wow, do I even believe in myself? Who am I? What do I even want? It’s the ideas, the potential, the feeling. It’s the fear of changing into a person I don’t know.

…Well I’m that person now. The person I was scared to become because, who is she? She can see. She gets it. She understands. 

I understand now. That I was in pain. I was panicking. Trauma responses left and right. Trying to fix. Fixate. Control. Overexplain. Change someone else. I was the one who needed changing. But, that’s okay…because I understand now. So, thank you. You helped me to see, because everything was foggy back then. I hope everything is good with you. I hope you can understand, too. 

Activity

Write a letter to someone who helped you to grow.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, The Mighty, The Pencil Case on The Mighty

#CheckInWithMe If You’re Chasing Perfection

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Mighty Newsletter Reflection

“Ever since I can remember, I’ve struggled with perfectionism and negative self-talk. From the daily “I have to finish everything on my to-do list or else I’m unsuccessful today” to the weekly feeling of fear that I’m not putting in enough effort toward my goals — this constant spiral of always having to do more is exhausting. And because perfectionism has me constantly in a “doing trance,” I haven’t felt accomplished or proud of any of my wonderful achievements in a long time.

However, in my efforts to get rid of the dictator that is perfectionism, I recently crafted some stars to put on the walls of my bedroom. These stars mean more to me than just colorful construction paper in the shape of an astronomical object.

Every day when I look at my stars, I am reminded that I’m successful and have achieved so much to get to this very moment. My success is not measured by how much I’ve done but simply by who I am and the strength I give each day. Simply waking up is enough reason to look up at my stars stamping that day as an achievement.

Here are 3 possible ways you could celebrate your own accomplishments:

– Share your achievements with a family member or friend and do a fun activity with them
– Write a list of the wins that make you proud, put it on your refrigerator and pass it often
– Take a mental health day where you reward yourself with all of your favorites, like a TV show or movie, a great read or a meal comprised of your fave snacks.

Takeaway: Your worth is so much more than what you do each day – it’s naturally ingrained in who you are. It can never be taken away.

Note: You can find the stickers on my stars here in my Etsy shop!

Pencil Case Prompt Activity

What’s one way you can celebrate yourself?

Join the conversation in The Pencil Case on The Mighty.

This activity was featured in The Mighty #CheckInWithMe newsletter which you can subscribe to on the TheMighty.com or Mighty app.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

I’m Not “Too Much”

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Hi my name is Nina and I’m highly sensitive. Yes, I’ve said this before and yes, it’s something I’m learning to love about myself. Plagued with hearing the phrases like I’m “too sensitive” or “too deep” penetrates my psyche leaving me feeling invalidated and strange.

Yes, I notice things, very subtle things. I notice patterns and changes; I notice character traits and inconsistencies; I notice my feelings from an overwhelming amount of notices. In an attempt to create stricter boundaries for myself honoring my needs and concerns, I express thoughts on these notices. It’s been a tough road as I’ve grown frustrated with how much I feel and all that I notice.

Ultimately, I simply want to be able to express myself without being “too much.” I’m not too much. This is me in my high sensitivity.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Therapy Takeaways: Holding Space

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Source:Unkown

This image is a #Repost from Facebook.

So this post appeared on my Facebook feed and allowed me to reflect on the previous conversations I’ve had with my therapist. Conversations centered around relationship-building, relationship maintenance, and relationship termination. Relationship in this sense is defined by any bond I make with who I’ve come to encounter.
Relationships (whether platonic or romantic) are complex and whether we choose to remain in such interactions with others is what we have control over. We have control over who we surround ourselves with.

Still, while in my current frustrations, I’ve realized my habit of “holding space” although torn between whether im valued or thus appreciated in such bonds. When do I draw a line between moving past and holding space? In what ways can I hold space while also ensuring my needs are met and I feel the relationship is benefiting both parties?

Holding space is a form of love and acceptance. And while this year, in particular, has shown me my own strength in my “space holding” capacities, I do value this part of me. I hold space because I love my friends, family (actual, internet, from school or in other instances) and I choose to make room for them. Make room in how I love and support those who’ve shown me vulnerable parts of them.
And yes. Making space isn’t easy as everyone is different and I can’t control others’ “space holding” capacities, only my own. To become frustrated and rash is how I’ve come to include my own needs and put myself in the equation too. Holding space doesn’t mean I won’t get frustrated, triggered, or annoyed. Neither does it mean I’ll abandon myself in pursuit of others’ needs, but I still will make space as well as hold space.

To the people that I love and cherish, there is always space for you. I love you and will always have space in my love for you. If we’ve fallen out or hurt one another in some ways I still have space and I’m rooting for you wherever you are. If we’ve just got to meet one another and getting to know the complexities of one another’s character, my space is here and isn’t going anywhere. And as I hold space for others, my only desire is that others will also hold a space for me.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

#IAM

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

If I were to tell you that the lists of things you’ve done, the relationships you have, or the job titles you’ve held don’t make you who you are, would you believe me?
If I were to tell you that you are whole just because, would you think I’m wrong?No matter what we do or who we think we have to become we are fundamentally valuable and worth living every single day. It doesn’t matter how much we get done, or how much we’ve been through, every day we wake up we hold the power of our value and worth and that never changes.”I am” despite of anything that follows that statement.