Learn with self-compassion in mind. As you move toward progressing into who you want to become, know who you are. Understand yourself enough to plan and execute decisions that are fit for you, your schedule, and what you can endure. It’s necessary to have boundaries and strategic goals as you enter new spaces.
Be your own leader as you negotiate, navigate, and critically think about the opportunities that come your way.
You are worthy of greatness and success, but remember to think everything through. Failure is a state of mind, move on from opportunities that did not fit your journey. Keep trying.
You are in control of yourself. Remember to include yourself in every decision. Move at a steady pace, there is no rush.
Let’s make our next decisions moments we are proud of.
In moving on in self-awareness, I will move on to a new cycle of 2019 with learning and improving my control and compassion.
As I write I declare and affirm that I will be able to control the thoughts that may consume me and practice self-compassion. I may also make conscious and progressive decisions and reach the success I see for myself. I will take my time and do my best in my journey.
Self-love will lead my continued journey and I will find refuge in self-care as I’m working toward my goals.
For some, the holiday season is especially difficult to deal with. So, what does it mean to prioritize your mental health during this time of year?
Check out my Defying Shadows article where I explain and express some helpful tips for dealing with the holidays like asking yourself important questions, navigating the best tactics to stay mentally stable, and embracing boundaries!
The Mighty Mic was an amazing experience. I’m extremely grateful that I was able to collaborate with The Mighty to help my community as they find strength in their mental health struggles. Here are some highlights from my event and a message that I learned. I will be planning and hosting more events so stay tuned!
My Open Mic Poem: A Messy Masterpiece
I look up to the rainbow that extends from one end of the equator to the other.
The rain that just passed has drenched me with growing pains as the flowers sprout from my insides out.
A messy masterpiece they called me.
As I feel the thunderstorms inside my gut, my tears run frantically like uncontrolled children in the playground.
A messy masterpiece they call me.
I can’t breathe like someone is putting duct tape on my mouth as I try to scream, my surrounding get blurry again, I can’t see
Overwhelm
A messy masterpiece they call me
I’m a mess I say
They say
They look at me confused because I’m in one of my silent spells, they think I’m upset but really I’m in this deep dark place in my head, my body is free but my mind captive
A messy masterpiece they call me
Sometimes my bed arrest me
I’m in trouble from the thoughts that told on me, I broke the law
Now I’m confined to my pillow and blankets, I got life but I’m planning on breaking out Sooner than later because I deserve to be free
A messy masterpiece they call me
You see, my footprints tell a story
It’s not just an abandoned trial
It’s meant to be a pathway for other people like me
How I walked that walk and now they can see a way they can go
They too are messy masterpieces fashioned together to make beautiful poetry learning that their voices too do still matter Because ears that need to listen will be drawn to the sounds of their voices in the distance
The Mighty Voices
A messy masterpiece they call me
My Story and Advice
After some mighty poets and speakers shared I was compelled to share my story to them as well. I noticed a pattern in the themes that recurred in the poems and pieces everyone shared and thought I would give some advice based on what I learned.
Late Night Talks With Nina: Final Thoughts
Navigating Purpose
Purpose, worth, self-talk, and identity were themes that recurred while I sat and soaked in the message of each story. While we are faced with difficulties with our mental health, it’s often due to mental conversations about those themes. As we continue on in our journey and our battle we must let go of the notion of a single purpose or single mission conforming to the standards of the society we live. Instead, we must continuously walk in our own self-fulfillment-whatever that looks like-while also navigating our peace through the opportunities we are able to take up. We live our life through how much we are filled with happiness and satisfaction with what we are doing. Let’s not waste ourselves with expecting purpose to manifest without manifesting ourselves in the process. We manifest purpose by being alive and continue fulfilling our own talents. Learn yourself, love yourself, and find peace through appreciating your life and the opportunity to live it.
I struggled with depression for a lot of my teenage years unknowingly; falling into silent spells or isolation cycles were “normal” ways I would deal with how I felt. Because of this, depression remained regular. The pain was me.
When I thought about depression or sadness my mind would drift off to what my former pastors would suggest— praying, fasting, and going to church healed all wombs. I often heard, “mental illness was a weakness, ‘the devil’ is consuming your thoughts to keep you from what God has for you. The only way I could be better was to do what God wants me to do. If you’re continuously doing bad, then it’s your fault. You are not trying hard enough. Do not ever claim depression on your life. Don’t say that out loud! If you say it you are manifesting that demon on yourself.” Frightening, right?
Because of those words, I grew up scared of myself, my thoughts, and God punishing me. I felt relief in my good days but tormented on my bad. Maybe if I tried to be “as holy” as I could then maybe I would feel better. The day never came where just praying and fasting relieved my depressive thoughts though.
Here Comes Anxiety…
When first faced with crippling anxiety, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and discouraged. I isolated myself and talked to no one about my struggles. It wasn’t real. I tried to push harder even when I felt exhausted. Self-care, mental health, or anxiety weren’t words or phrases I knew much about anyway. I just had to pray, right? My relationship with God is not strong enough. I kept pushing myself well past my physical and mental limits until I couldn’t anymore. The more I dismissed my symptoms and repressed my feelings, the more I felt powerless, hopeless, and weak.
Moving Forward
Writing Therapy
In order to feel better, I challenged myself to think deeper. What do I do to move forward? As I constantly struggled to find peace in my mental turmoil, I looked to my writing and voice for refuge. The day I felt most empowered, most liberated, and most peace fell on one day, the day I uttered the words “I have depression and struggle with anxiety.”
While I long left the church because I wanted to find myself aside from religious indoctrination, I started writing, and the words I typed and wrote freed me from my thoughts. Thoughts became tangible. Words became ideas I could look at. I manipulated those words to something positive and uplifting. I began reflecting on and discussing what mental health meant for me, asking critical questions combining my pain with creativity. Excitement filled me again.
Final Thoughts
My projects now bring me to life, they are my medicine. The words I utter, the words I write are my power. I am new, I feel refreshed. I wage war on my mental health struggles, expectations, and stereotypes that bind me and my progress (hence why my writing space/blog is SparklyWarTanks).
Even though I still struggle, I continue to write and think of new and creative ways to express myself. I’m currently planning and hosting events too! There is power in words, whether it’s saying them, writing them, or thinking them.
Claiming my anxiety and depression was not a downfall manifesting struggle and doom to my life, claiming anxiety and depression gave me the power that helped me to liberate my perspective, relieve my mind, and continue on in the progression of becoming myself.
I sat in my bed unable to grasp the idea of the morning. Morning means I must get up and go to class, again. But when did yesterday end? Why does today have to begin? My mind dozes off for another 15 minutes after realizing I fell asleep only three hours prior. With my body weak and my stomach nauseous, my mind overflowed with lists; lists of assignments, projects, tests, research, goals, ambitions, dreams, expectations, procrastination, perfection, the GRE, fixing my family, money…everything. Everything remained in the forefront of my mind daily. Time was a blur and so was my idea of eating breakfast. My stomach longing and screaming for food. Class! I have to get to class. I dragged myself out of bed and into my 9:15 am class. No food. No rest.
This pattern exists as my morning routine for most of my weeks. My days consist of dreadful mornings and long hours.
The more I worry and leave self-care behind, the more an unfamiliar sensation brew in the pit of my stomach. Walking around campus became foggy. Exhaustion is now my new normal. I am a zombie, slave to the regular routine of the student. All work.
Days pass by and nothing is better. I keep going. Work. Work and procrastination remain my cycle until the unfamiliar sensation manifested itself into existence.
A panic.
My breath is short, my mind blank, my hands clammy, my chest heavy, eyes filled with tears looking into nothing, stomach aching, rocking to feel something. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m all alone. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t do it. I can’t do any of this.
After some persuading, I found myself in the counseling center once a week for only a few weeks, then in psych services for the remainder of the semester. I must fix myself. I sat in her office, uncomfortable, nauseous, exhausted, and depressed. Talking didn’t help my daily nausea or worried soul, but I kept going. I kept going to class, finishing assignments, papers, and projects, and finally getting my degree. Magna cum laude with anxiety.
Post-Graduation and Anxiety
I can’t say actually getting sleep or eating reverses the effects of anxiety, but it helps to see better. The fog is clear now even though I often find myself nauseous. Every time I do something a bit risky, like taking a high-stress job to start paying off my loans, the tiniest amount of stress results in panic. My mind can’t take any amount of stress. It feels attacked overwhelmed.
I must explain to others what I have even though I don’t believe it’s valid or real. I felt embarrassed and ashamed at first. It’s difficult to admit I have a problem, but that is my first hurdle to overcome.
The first step I took in my mental health journey consists of addressing and saying out loud that what I have is real. I write to make all the lists real and tangible. What aids the stress in my head is no longer in my head, but instead reversed into something positive. I write down everything.
I’m in control again.
The Process of Achieving
It’s been two years since I graduated and I’m now starting to get back my ambitious spirit. I found myself afraid and unable to take risks because fear became my mirror. I’m no longer a robotic perfectionist expecting no mistakes from myself, I take my time, and I put myself first.
Self-care isn’t an idea we teach ourselves to prioritize but it’s the most fundamental necessity — the mental just as important as the physical. We must learn our boundaries and limits and figure out if the risks and stress we take are worth our energy.
Having anxiety, depression, or any mental illness or limitation does not mean we can’t have high standards, ambitions, and goals. We just know where our boundaries and limits lie. We must prioritize our self-care over anything else and that is ok. The constant task of weighing our options and declining some opportunities will be our regular because we know that we can’t do everything. That’s what self-care is.
We are able to do what we want despite the obstacles we face. The more we learn how best to take care of ourselves, the better we become at making sound and reasonable decisions about your future.
“I am” is the most powerful two words you can utter. The more you declare and affirm who you are, the more you will teach yourself kindness, empathy, love, power, and independence.
As we venture into the realm of declarative “I am” statements, know that we will do so with grace, forgiveness, an open mind, and strength.
We know who we are so, therefore, we know who we are not. We know that we are more and not less. Declare more while disowning the negative counterparts.
You are someone. You are someone with a journey. You are someone with a purpose. You are someone with a mind. You are someone with a voice.
When something or someone is causing you pain ask yourself, is this pain teaching me anything or opening up my perspective to ensure and guarantee my growth? In times where toxicity is present but not always apparent, you must determine whether that pain is necessary or toxic.
In terms of building relationships whether romantic, familial, or platonic, the occurrence of issues or disagreement is inevitable. When disagreements turn into manipulation, unnecessary pain, purposeful lack of communication, immaturity, lack of accountability, or one posing as “the parent” if not one is where a line must be drawn.
Remaining in toxic relationships or spaces do not determine your worthiness as a person. Your worth is not manifested by how much pain you can endure as you remain in toxic situations. Loyalty should not be painful. There is no need to wait around and stunt your growth for someone/something else. While pain is a teacher and in specific situations teaches you to become better, in others will cause trauma.
Always put your well being first before anything. If you find you are not benefiting from a relationship, space, or situation, relieve yourself of that pain
Im so excited to announce that I will be hosting The Mighty Mic, an open mic creative event where we all are mighty together. In this event, we will express ourselves in our strength as we discuss our anxiety and depression. The mic is open to those who want to share their stories, poems, songs, articles, speeches; whatever 5-minute piece they would want others to hear. This is a safe space where we will be ourselves, share, and build community!
If you would like to come, please refer to this Facebook Event link and click the “going” option if you would be joining me or even “interested” if you just need to readjust your schedule!
We will have so much fun as we share our stories and build confidence in our journey as we learn we are not alone!
I’m extremely excited about being a contributor writer for another website —DefyingShadows.com!
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My first article published on Defying Shadows is focused on two consecutive symptoms of depression that are often frustrating to comprehend for those who experience depression as well as their loved ones.
If you experience these symptoms, communicating can help others understand how to best support you.
SparklyWarTanks 