For 2020 and beyond I am prioritizing self-care and self-love that is defined by me and only me. With each week reflecting on various ways to reflect and process my feelings, this week is redefining my worth to MYSELF.
Having a past of people-pleasing is hard to realize and even harder to overcome. Not seeing myself as valuable or worthy of love has influenced a history of constant “doing” in order to prove myself to those around me.
This habit ends now.
So, I’m saying no to:
What is not for me.
What makes me uncomfortable.
What doesn’t serve my needs.
What I don’t have the energy for.
Being available to everyone.
Giving away all of my energy.
“Fixing” other people’s problems.
And, I’m saying yes to:
What fills me with joy.
Building lasting connections.
Feeling good about myself.
Expressing my needs.
Allowing myself to be seen.
Reaching out to others.
Doing things for fun.
Being open to love.
Affirmation: I am open to loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically.
For the last month and a half or so I’ve been seeing a therapist for the first time since that one semester in my senior year of college. Although it’s difficult to manage all the emotions that come up as I talk through all of “my stuff”, I’m continuing to come in contact with the parts of me that were previously tucked deeply away. The more I talk and navigate my experiences, the more I’m able to identify the parts of me that need healing.
In these few weeks I learned three big things about my personality, habits, and tendencies:
1. I’m a highly sensitive person and a hopeless romantic.
2. I have issues with feeling good enough and loving myself in the same intensity that I love others.
3. I’m a recovering perfectionist and still struggle with “doing” too much to feel seen. I try to “stay busy” in order to distract myself from feelings unlovable, worthless, and enough. I crave outside stimuli to try to fill a void inside.
The Creative Cure
As I’m learning about what it means to be me, the good and the bad, I found that creativity and writing are my most helpful tools for feeling better.
Because I’m aware of my perfectionism, I’m trying to reverse and redirect the energies I put in “doing”, “pleasing” and “overexerting” back into myself. As I practice what feeds my passion, I’m beginning to realize what love means for me. The more I see what love is for me, the more I can pour back into myself the void of practicing and feeling self-love.
Passion and Learning Self-love
Passion is the manifestation of self-love — It’s love in doing. Passion is one of the only feelings (along with ambition, for example) that can not be given to someone else. To feel passion is to come in contact with something in yourself that feeds your needs and fuels your purpose.
When I create, write, and tell my story I feel passion. Doing what I feel passion for allows me to access peace and satisfaction perfectionism never can.
As I move closer to reclaiming my self-love, allowing it to travel to all parts of me (including my perspective of myself), I will use writing and creativity to help heal me of my self-love wound.
Find your passion. Find what helps you feel good and accomplished. Learn about yourself and learn what love means to you. Feel and access the energy of love. Once you’ve found the peace that comes with love, you can practice love for yourself and with others.
Self-care with unbreakable self-love is powerful and can help you build a healthier you.
You see me express myself, I wear my emotional wounds for all to see. I’m building my self-awareness through my healing and it’s because I choose to write about my mental health.
“I write and talk about my mental health because I know what it’s like to feel alone, unwanted, worthless, hopeless, and unaccomplished. I know what it’s like to feel invisible, to worry to the point of a panic attack, and to feel trapped. I write and talk about my mental health because deep down I wish I can hug and show all those who suffer silently that they don’t have to suffer alone. I write to share and motivate others to keep going even if they feel they can’t.
I neglected my mental health and thought I wasn’t good enough or worthy of love and life unless I proved myself to be so. I didn’t understand my intrinsic worth or purpose and because of this lived in a constant state of depression and anxiety.
If you are reading this, know that you are more than. You are full of purpose, power, and worth and nothing and no one can strip you of this. No matter what those negative thoughts said, you are doing a great job and I’m proud of you.”
I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished this year; from facing your fears and sharing your story to starting therapy and unpacking all that’s going on in your head. The more time goes on, the more you’re growing into the woman that shatters stereotypes and demolishes stigma and that makes you amazing.
From now on here are five promises to make to yourself:
1. Honor yourself and your mental health by setting clear boundaries and never settling for less.
2. Put yourself first because you matter, too.
3. Have some fun, however that looks for you, and be easy on yourself.
4. Take breaks because you deserve to feel energized and ready to take on those big projects you love.
5. Reminding yourself daily that you are enough and DO NOT NEED anyone to validate that FACT.
There’s so much in store for you so stop questioning your worth and value because of how others treat you. Learn to love yourself REGARDLESS. You are a shining light and I hope you learn to believe that.This is the year of reclaiming self.
With all the love in the world
From the best parts of you,
The proof of worthiness is self-acceptance. To be worthy is to accept all that is you unapologetically. There is no need to go above and beyond to convince anyone of your greatness. You are great and beautiful all on your own. Be yourself.
Accept all that is you. Become comfortable with your self-worth separate from others and how they treat you or how much work you finished.
Also, yes, I thought because this happened so often I was somehow unlovable, ugly, unworthy of attention or love. I thought I deserved this because something was “wrong” with me and I needed to “fix” myself so others would want me.
25 years and counting and now I know that I am not a reflection of how I was treated, of the countless times I didn’t feel good enough. I know now I am worthy of love, affection, and attention. This does not mean, however, that no one will reject, ghost, or push me to the side; but this does mean that I have the choice to not allow someone else’s behavior to reflect how I see my worth.
My worth and value are intrinsic. No one can take away my worth.
So, if you ever find yourself questioning your worth because of how someone else treated you, STOP. Always remember that you are worthy, enough, valuable, lovable, and beautiful. No one can take those ineffaceable things from you.
The more you learn to love yourself, the easier it will become to not allow other people’s actions to sway how you see everything you already are.
For the next 8-days, I will be sharing prompts in my Reflection Card series. Each day will feature one card with a two-part fill-in statement of reflection: the first part being your name and second a reflection/confession.
Approaching the fill-ins are your choice. What you feel you need to reflect and come to terms with, you can place in the blanks. Whether you want to reflect on your mental health, past, present, or goals will guide your responses.
The first card is on struggles. What do you struggle with professionally, emotionally, personally, or spiritually? What do you want to improve?
Be open and honest with yourself about what you struggle with. Coming to terms with your struggles can be tough, but it can also open the door for self-awareness and moving forward.
Be gentle with yourself and your realizations.
As an adult, coming to terms with my struggles is difficult. For this card, I will confess to struggling to let go and forgive others. Although for some, not being able to forgive or let go affects how they interact with others, for me, it’s the opposite, I blame myself. Ever heard the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people,” for me it’s “hurt people hurt/blame themselves.”
Moving forward in realizing I blame myself for the people that hurt me leaving it hard to forgive, I will work toward healing those wounds within myself. I will be content with not getting an apology and forgiving myself for carrying those burdens.
I will move forward with peace.
I will begin to let the pain go. Let it disappear. I will not carry this around anymore.