Often times we stay stuck in the reality of our past. We dwell and ruminate on the what-ifs and maybes. We stand in what we can’t walk away from. But, that doesn’t have to be where we are forever. We can give ourselves permission to move forward. We can dissect and navigate our mistakes, regrets, and pain in order to clear the path of progress for ourselves. The more we become comfortable with our discomfort and adjust our eyes in the darkest parts of ourselves, we learn to forgive what we were and make room for who we can become.
Make room for yourself to walk forward. Clear a path so that you can forgive and lift the weight that’s been keeping you standing instead of moving forward. Manifest something different. Manifest clarity and grace. Manifest wellness and peace. You deserve to feel free. This is your time for freedom.
Growth and Transformation Through Awareness: Pain and Toxic Traits
We all have a way in which we think and act based on our beliefs and ideas. Sometimes, however, our judgment and growth are clouded by the pain and trauma we often recycle through our toxic habits and behaviors.
The tricky thing about pain is how deeply rooted it is. We don’t see our behavior as toxic or hurtful until it’s too late and we’ve already hurt someone we might care for.
In order to identify those toxic cycles, we must grow in self-awareness. The more self-aware we become, the more we are able to catch ourselves and understand why we act the way we do. Although some behaviors may appear harmless, like numbing our feelings and trying not to cope with our pain, if repressed for too long, will eventually appear in our behavior.
Projection occurs when we place how we treat ourselves onto the people we love or want to love. Often unconsciously our own self-abandonment is how we begin to treat those around us.
The first step in feeling our pain is to accept that we’ve hurt someone and forgive ourselves. If we hold onto the pain and regret, it will stay with us and lead how we treat those who enter our lives.
Once aware, begin the process of identifying in what ways we can improve and begin to love ourselves in that process. Although we can’t undo another person’s pain, we can improve and heal through our own. We must learn who we are and the pain that guided our past self.
The growth that self-awareness brings can resurface memories and thoughts that created the original pain, but that process will birth a transformed perspective.
We learn through experiences and wanting to do better. Without the urge to do better, the pain will validate itself and remain how we see ourselves.
Important note: This process can be difficult to do on our own but I found therapy, self-help books, meditation, writing, reflective exercises, support groups, and mental health resources to be a great help in beginning this process.
If I were to tell you that the lists of things you’ve done, the relationships you have, or the job titles you’ve held don’t make you who you are, would you believe me? If I were to tell you that you are whole just because, would you think I’m wrong?No matter what we do or who we think we have to become we are fundamentally valuable and worth living every single day. It doesn’t matter how much we get done, or how much we’ve been through, every day we wake up we hold the power of our value and worth and that never changes.”I am” despite of anything that follows that statement.
It’s been a really rough 2020 already. It’s tried to knock you down, step on you, and declare your defeat. What 2020 doesn’t know is you already declared that no matter what, you will figure out how to bounce back EVERY SINGLE TIME. No matter how complicated or complex the struggle, nothing will overcome your resilience.
I know you’re hurting but I also know you learned so much through the pain you endured.
You learned that:
It’s okay to be sensitive.
It’s okay to cry and express emotions.
Learn early how to love and accept yourself.
You are different and that fact will catalyst your passion.
People will look out for themselves.
Put yourself first because no one else will.
You are not like everyone, your self-care looks different.
You don’t need to be with someone to be whole.
Your empathy is powerful, build it up.
You have a soft and gentle spirit, protect yourself, learn how to say no.
Your mind will tell you a lot of lies, declare your power and control over yourself.
People have their own trauma and will show it through their behavior, do not take it personal.
Self-awareness is scary but necessary.
Your mind is very very powerful, use it to create and influence change.
Your purpose is beyond what you can fathom, manifest it with all of your being.
Depression and anxiety will not defeat you.
It’s taken some time to learn these lessons, and probably would have been helpful growing up, but you know now and that’s what’s important. You know that your life is valuable although you may feel tortured sometimes. Keep that smile on your face because its beyond beautiful.
Despite the pain, the tears, and the loneliness, you have a job to do. Get up and keep going.
“Personal boundaries are what separate us from giving too much of ourselves to things, people, and situations that do not serve our growth and progress. While it may appear ideal to be able to do everything and anything without limits, we cannot and should not exhaust ourselves of our personal needs. We are responsible for what we allow. Whether in relationships (familial or romantic), with friends, at work, or anywhere where we are interacting with others, practicing boundaries helps us to be in tune with ourselves and our values.”
“Writing and creative expression not only helps me build a new perspective on growth, vulnerability, and self-awareness but also helps me manage my depressive and anxious symptoms as well. The more I write and ask myself important questions, the more I’m able to identify my triggers and heal through them.”
For 2020 and beyond I am prioritizing self-care and self-love that is defined by me and only me. With each week reflecting on various ways to reflect and process my feelings, this week is redefining my worth to MYSELF.
Having a past of people-pleasing is hard to realize and even harder to overcome. Not seeing myself as valuable or worthy of love has influenced a history of constant “doing” in order to prove myself to those around me.
This habit ends now.
So, I’m saying no to:
What is not for me.
What makes me uncomfortable.
What doesn’t serve my needs.
What I don’t have the energy for.
Being available to everyone.
Giving away all of my energy.
“Fixing” other people’s problems.
And, I’m saying yes to:
What fills me with joy.
Building lasting connections.
Feeling good about myself.
Expressing my needs.
Allowing myself to be seen.
Reaching out to others.
Doing things for fun.
Being open to love.
Affirmation: I am open to loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically.
For the last month and a half or so I’ve been seeing a therapist for the first time since that one semester in my senior year of college. Although it’s difficult to manage all the emotions that come up as I talk through all of “my stuff”, I’m continuing to come in contact with the parts of me that were previously tucked deeply away. The more I talk and navigate my experiences, the more I’m able to identify the parts of me that need healing.
In these few weeks I learned three big things about my personality, habits, and tendencies:
1. I’m a highly sensitive person and a hopeless romantic.
2. I have issues with feeling good enough and loving myself in the same intensity that I love others.
3. I’m a recovering perfectionist and still struggle with “doing” too much to feel seen. I try to “stay busy” in order to distract myself from feelings unlovable, worthless, and enough. I crave outside stimuli to try to fill a void inside.
The Creative Cure
As I’m learning about what it means to be me, the good and the bad, I found that creativity and writing are my most helpful tools for feeling better.
Because I’m aware of my perfectionism, I’m trying to reverse and redirect the energies I put in “doing”, “pleasing” and “overexerting” back into myself. As I practice what feeds my passion, I’m beginning to realize what love means for me. The more I see what love is for me, the more I can pour back into myself the void of practicing and feeling self-love.
Passion and Learning Self-love
Passion is the manifestation of self-love — It’s love in doing. Passion is one of the only feelings (along with ambition, for example) that can not be given to someone else. To feel passion is to come in contact with something in yourself that feeds your needs and fuels your purpose.
When I create, write, and tell my story I feel passion. Doing what I feel passion for allows me to access peace and satisfaction perfectionism never can.
As I move closer to reclaiming my self-love, allowing it to travel to all parts of me (including my perspective of myself), I will use writing and creativity to help heal me of my self-love wound.
Find your passion. Find what helps you feel good and accomplished. Learn about yourself and learn what love means to you. Feel and access the energy of love. Once you’ve found the peace that comes with love, you can practice love for yourself and with others.
Self-care with unbreakable self-love is powerful and can help you build a healthier you.