Free Write: The Perceptions of Mental Illness And My Fear of Abandonment

How’s everyone’s day been? For me I’ve been struggling.

I didn’t realize how hard this pandemic has affected me until I started to reconnect with others. Having perceptions of safety and holding to my boundaries made sense when I built a safe place alone, but it becomes real when something “triggers your inner untapped wound”, and for me its my fear of abandonment. The thought that no matter what, everyone will leave eventually or no matter how hard I try no one can reciprocate the love I feel for them especially when I love them…a lot. I tend to run away in embarrassment because “I love someone who can’t love me too”.

This in my nervous system manifest as PTSD, anxiety, and a slab of persistent depressive disorder.

I talk a lot about reflection and healing, but that’s because I know how it feels to experience a mental health condition. Healing my nervous system has been my biggest challenge so far in my life. If you know what it’s like to have a mental health condition, know that I see you, I feel you, and I love you. This journey doesn’t make you weak because it isn’t for the weak.

Just the idea that I can be perceived as “mentally ill” has kept me from exploring new relationships, but I don’t want that for myself. I deserve to be loved by others. I can be loved by others. I will be loved by others. I’ve healed a lot over the past two and half years, but THIS WOUND? It really HURTS.

In this new season of my life, I know I have to work on this pain specifically and I know it’s going to HURT A LOT. Pushing myself to open up fully, be transparent, and unapologetically love without fear will break me to build me back up.

I know I will make mistakes and some people won’t understand me, but that’s OK. I still want to spread unconditional love and kindness to others.

Thank you for reading. Continue to journey with me ❤️.