Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Notes, Reflection, Self-Talk

A Writing Splurge: Let It Out Note 38

When I’m not doing well or if I can’t seem to silence my intrusive thoughts, I write. So, here is me writing right now:

I know you believe no one will want you. You fear being alone. You can’t imagine being loved or appreciated. You don’t see anything but rejection so you’ve given up.

I know you can’t sleep, so you go to bed at like 3. Some tears roll down your face but no one sees.

I know you’re trying to hide in isolation. That’s how you deal with things.

All this is silly, right? You’ll be fine. What you’re sad about is not important, it’ll happen…eventually.

Just focus on you.

Focus on you.

On you.

You.

Me.

Me.

Me and my.

Me and my feelings.

Me and my feelings are valid.

This is how I feel and it’s been spiraling for a while.

I don’t need anyone to want me. This is me, me and now.

I’ve been hurting a lot and keeping it to myself. When I open up, I feel as though what hurts me isn’t important enough.

To be lonely and isolated, to not feel hope, love, or purpose.

That right there is the wound that needs mending.

I must love myself to move past this pain that comes from way back when.

I am important.

I don’t need validation.

I embody my purpose.

I am powerful.

I am worthy.

Love flows freely in my life.

So I know.

I know.

I just needed a moment to let all this out…again.

Posted in Challenges, Creations, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Self-Care

8-Day Reflection Card Series Day 2

What are you good at?!

Sometimes we get wrapped up in our struggles and hardships that we don’t stop and practice activities and skills we are good at that can calm us down. Just as much as we spend our time doing things we feel we have to do, we can also do things we want to do.

Being active in activities, skills, and hobbies we are good at is satisfying and can boost our self-esteem.

The list of possible activities, skills, and hobbies are endless and aren’t limited to specifics. You can be good at whistling, organizing messes, painting, writing short stories, being a good listener, etc.

Hint: Think of what you are good at and helps you cope.


My Reflection

For me, I’m really good at organization and creative projects. Nothing calms me down more than the satisfying feeling of a clean and organized space to do my projects in.


You can find this Reflection card on my Mighty page here.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Making Sense Analysis, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Breaking From Trauma: Accepting Split Pockets of Peace

The Split Second

A week ago I sat at the edge of my bed and noticed a sensation I forgot I had the ability to feel. While coming to terms with the symptoms of my anxiety and basking in its reality for most of three years, I hadn’t felt a day that didn’t consist of nausea or worry. I haven’t felt nauseous for two weeks now. I recalled the sensations of calmness and suddenly didn’t understand what to think. Feeling okay felt strange and alien.

Being in a constant state of panic, worry, or fear became how I lived for years leaving calmness and peace strangers in a barren abyss. No thoughts resided in my head, my body felt rejuvenated from a full nights rest, and an overwhelming desire to get some work done filled me with energy. This is what it feels like to be okay, to be ready to take on the day. I didn’t think I could feel like this again.

Recollections

Although this year continuously has torn me to pieces, I didn’t realize the amount of effort I put into dragging myself out of countless depressive moments. Whether it was getting out of bed, not sleeping in, giving myself a bedtime and writing/career goals, eating more fruits and less bread and sugar, or even choosing to separate myself from thinking about situations I cannot control I became unconsciously active in my desire to feel better. Physical aches and pains have plagued this years list of what nows, but learning to not overthink is my new habit of choice.

Despite finding myself in really low moments and contrary to what I expected to become of me by this point, I recall several split moments of peace like the one mentioned above. Pockets of rainbows I would call them.

Accepting and Welcoming Peace

Confused by how I could possibly see or feel pockets of peace in arguably the worst year yet, it’s only fair to give myself some credit. Fear of leaving my trauma behind brought up some old feelings following the pockets of peace, allowing me to realize the comfort I sat in when it came to my anxiety and depression.

I’m used to feeling anxious and depressed. I don’t know what it is to not feel constantly overwhelmed with everything. Living and existing in a state of uneasy chaos is how I know to survive. I learned to live like this, who am I without it?

Witnessing and realizing that I’m able to feel better has caused both panic and peace disrupting the old state of chaotic homeostasis (if that makes any sense). I found myself having nightmares almost every night filled with both obvious and hidden messages. I’ve also recently become aware of my shadow and toxic characteristics, making me aware and awake when it comes to how I interact with others.

Now, because of all that’s happened, I’m able to gain control and pull myself to a more stabilized consciousness quicker than before. Both bizarre and contradicting as it seems, I’ve always thrived in a state of turmoil, it would only make sense for the key to my healing to lie in my darkest moments.

What Now?

Aware that I’m in another phase of transformation like in my college years, I’m open and accepting of something new to come. Despite the on and off nature of these pockets of peace, I know I’m able to gain control of my mental wellness more than believed before.

I’m both scared and excited to continue to take on the beast that is overcoming my trauma and will not give up knowing I can and will.

Posted in Confessions, Reflection, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

#MeToo…

*Trigger Warning*

My #metoo story

When I was in middle school, on my way to school one day, a grown man grabbed my butt. Startled and confused I looked back trembling to see him smiling as he walked away in satisfaction of his actions. I did not know this man. There were hundreds of kids around as it was by a high school and bus stop. I trembled the rest of the day, could feel my nerves all of sudden feel uneasy. I avoid the area where this happened to me. I feel uncomfortable to be alone outside sometimes. I’m hyperaware when I’m alone and often paranoid to walk by large groups of guys.
What’s happening now makes me more uncomfortable and afraid then I was before. The power I lost that day was unreal. To see so many women coming out in #metoo, to express their hopelessness in this country’s justice system to help makes me disgusted. To read the comments on these posts of people justifying these actions because of a loss of time or lack of evidence makes me furious. No one saw what happened to me that day, where there were swarms of people. I didn’t think what happened to me mattered. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t grasp the idea that this was not ok. All I felt was a loss of self and of safety. I just want to feel safe again. When will I feel safe again?

It was a lot to think about this today. To think how often sexual assault, rape, and harassment happens on a daily basis. As women, we have to always be aware, be awake, and be looking out for our safety. It’s not fair for us to live like this. I’ve been disgruntled and uncomfortable all month.

Stay safe and be careful. It’s never your fault if these horrible things have happened to you (whether you’re a man or a woman).

I love you and I’m here if anyone wants to vent.

Posted in Confessions, Other Accomplishments

I’m Featured in a Newspaper Article!

From Facebook memes to gaming platforms: Where college students turn when they can’t discuss mental illness on campus

Nina Rondon is a 24-year-old Latina woman who grew up in a conservative Christian family in Brooklyn. She has suffered from anxiety and depression for several years but initially didn’t know how to describe her experience.

“Especially in the Latinx community, you don’t want to say you have depression,” Rondon said. “You don’t get treatment. You pray about it.”

Read more in the link above in article by Aneri Pattani

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Mental Health, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 19

This is a letter from the one that kills herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows.

The loser.

The second best.

The girl whos been rejected.

The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it.

The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect.

The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep.

The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast.

The one who raised her hand every class.

The one who was the weakest link.

The one who couldn’t go to graduate school.

The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be...the best.

The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.

Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Videos, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

An Intro: Confessions of my Anxiety and Depression

This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here.  This is my attempt at talking about what I go through.  It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating.  It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it.  Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down.  Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through.  This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future.  The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me.  Hope you enjoy.

This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety.  This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real.  This is me facing my monsters.  This is me putting myself out in the open.  This is me healing.

Posted in Making Sense Analysis, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

You Deserve Some Credit: How I Liberated my Spiritual Understanding to Free my Humaneness

When I was in college I majored in writing and rhetoric and religion.  What made double majoring in these subjects most interesting is the challenges I faced when ideas resonated but also conflicted with what I thought was my religious identification.  Growing up in a conservative sect of Christianity was not always easy as I felt it amplifying my anxiety and deepening my depression.  Confused at the contrast of religion doing the opposite of what I thought it would do allowed me the freedom (in college) to grapple with the reasons why religion was negatively effecting my mental health. While I had many victory moments where I connected and realized how some teachings negatively affected how I viewed myself, I ultimately realized that some “church rhetoric,” deep in my unconscious mind and negative self-talk, was the core reasons why my mental health was being beaten.  First there are phrases like “I’m nothing, but God is everything,” or some other phrases such as “I am not worthy of this life that God has given me,” or “God keeps blessing me even when I don’t deserve it,” and such jargon as that that has flipped my self-image into chaos depicting me as someone who is not worthy or deserving of the things that I have or the life that I live.  Other such talk of being a “sinner” and unable to escape the evil doings of myself, my “flesh,” and my mind also kept me in shame and misery as I always felt I was doing God an injustice by struggling with my mental health.  Not only did I feel shame and guilt all the time, but I was always trying to be perfect in all I was doing.  My perfectionism, a product of my anxiety now that I realize, made trying to become this “holy” perfect Christian girl all the more burdensome and tiring.

It only took but some readings in one of my psychology and religion courses to blow my mind and help me see the reality of such instances where religion can negatively effect ones self-perception in a way that back fires against their mental health. One reading was that of Fromm and his analysis of the humanistic religion vs. that of authoritarian religion.

**Side note: I include and validate women and women’s experiences in the statements below as the rhetoric is heavy on the masculine pronouns.**

Psychoanalysis and Religion By Erich Fromm

“The essential element in authoritarian religion and in the authoritarian religious experience is the surrender to a power transcending man. The main virtue of this type of religion is obedience, its cardinal sin is disobedience. Just as the deity is conceived as omnipotent or omniscient, man is conceived as being powerless and insignificant. Only as he can gain grace or help from the deity by complete surrender can he feel strength. Submission to a powerful authority is one of the avenues by which man escapes from his feeling of aloneness and limitation. In the act of surrender he loses his independence and integrity as an individual but he gains the feeling of being protected by an awe-inspiring power of which, as it were, he becomes a part. (35)”

vs.

Humanistic religion, on the contrary, is centered around man and his strength. Man must develop his power of reason in order to understand himself, his relationship to his fellow men and his position in the universe. He must recognize the truth, both with regard to his limitations and his potentialities. He must develop his powers of love for others as well as for himself and experience the solidarity of all living beings. He must have principles and norms to guide him in this aim. Religious experience in this kind of religion is the experience of oneness with the All, based on one’s relatedness to the world as it is grasped with thought and with love. Man’s aim in humanistic religion is to achieve the greatest strength, not the greatest powerlessness; virtue is self-realization, not obedience. Faith is certainty of conviction based on one’s experience of thought and feeling, not assent to propositions on credit of the proposer. The prevailing mood is that of joy, while the prevailing mood in authoritarian religion is that of sorrow and of guilt. (37)”

What I understood of Fromm’s comparison of both perceptions is the separation between oneself with the world, themselves, and God in the authoritarian religion and the union in humanistic religion.  I became alienated from an identity, from something that revealed in me that I was a life that was worth living and shouldn’t be ashamed of myself.  Me, as a person, as a woman, as a body, should be proud of my life and all that I have accomplished.   My powerlessness and my guilt soon faded with my once limited, skewed, perception of life.

As my understanding became clear, I became less ashamed of who I was, but I also wanted to create a more wholesome version of myself as well.  I started to ask questions such as who am I? and why am I?  I drifted from the jargon that made me feel distant and unappreciative of my identity and my accomplishments, and all that I’ve done to get my mind free, and I began to create for myself a more liberating spirituality.  God is not separated from the world or from the liberation of my self-acceptance, God is not a man in the sky dictating and limiting access to my confidence or to my belief that I have power and I’m worthy and proud to embrace my humaneness.  Instead, I began to believe that everything is intertwined into a cosmic masterpiece that allows us, as people, to self-realize and love and find strength in ourselves.  God is something in us already that gets amplified and blossoms as we do.  That we have to love ourselves in order to love God, that we have to think we are worthy and powerful in order to reveal God in ourselves otherwise we are limiting our abilities and potentialities.

And as I continue to self-realize and change everyday, I’m learning that my anxiety and my depression is something that motivates me to create and build ideas. That, although my tireless mind is always in a shamble, I always find that I am free and able.  My mental state is something of purpose and I don’t have to be ashamed because I do feel better.  Without the anxiety and depression, I wouldn’t know what it felt like to be a prisoner of my own mind.  Now that I have control over myself, with my experience I can build on love, compassion, and empathy.  It took some time to get to this place, but now that I’m refined I can work and I can build on what makes me who I am.  As I grow I can be happy because I did it for myself, I became free for me.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration

Not a Failure, You are not a Failure 

Its been a long night, a night filled with silent and quiet panic attacks, ones that have been revealing and direct.  And as I lay in my bed, glancing at Jane the Virgin, but mostly visualizing my future in my head, I finally targeted the core trigger of the anxiety that’s been crippling my sleep. The trigger is fear of failure. Deep, paralyzing, you are nobody, and no one will ever notice you failure.  Seeing so many glory stories and positive things happening to people around me…nothing is happening for me. This has been what makes me nervous, nauseous and scared. 

But maybe it really is all in my head and I just keep falling back on my perfectionist mindset that I should be someone by now that is feeding this trigger?

I’m not a failure…I’m not a failure…

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Power, Quotes, Self-Talk

A Personal Confession on SoundCloud

These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize.  This is depth therapy:

Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes.  A portal of perspective.  Hear me out.

This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…

Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…

the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…

I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…

I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people

The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…

Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home 

But this ends today

The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence.  You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.

You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.

Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.

You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.

If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter.  There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.  

Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.

You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.

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