I connect with the inner workings of my mind. I connect with myself. Who am I? What am I doing here? I sit and I ponder as I press the keys on my keyboard. Words flow from my mind to the ends of my fingertips. I’m free to express my thoughts, the energy of my consciousness. I create because I am the creator. I set the tone to what is happening to me. I am because I exist. I exist because I am. I am one with myself. I’ve come to know peace.
the depths of my shadow make me feel like a black hole…a never ending cycle of unfortunate events.
I am a masterpiece…
Despite the unwarranted attachments to the ideals and ideas that resemble the finish line of what I’ve been chasing after.
The messy boundaries, the tsunami of emotions that overpower the logical parts of me.
I am still a masterpiece…
Even after the labels, stamps, post-its, and reminders that maybe I wasn’t born to be.
Maybe the symptoms, sleepless nights, ruminating thoughts, or the clouds I ride to hide from certain parts of me.
I. Am. A. Masterpiece.
No matter who I’m with, or what I’ve done. No matter the sicknesses, or shame, or guilt, or grief.
The carefully crafted intricacies of who I am, the paint strokes of my personality, the network of veins, the heart that pumps blood, feels in bright red, my eyes that see, nose that smells, tongue that taste. All that I am is immeasurable. Unable to fit comfortably by the shackles of definitions.
The universe sleeps within my soul. I am more.
My energy contagious, spreading peace with every breath I breathe. This is me.
Healing Letters of Reflection: [Topics- Codependency and Anxious Attachment]
I understand now. I understand what I was meant to learn. How I was in pain too. But, I was trying to make you love me, even though you didn’t want to. I’m sorry. You were in pain like me. The cycles of run and chase. I saw something I knew I could love, so I latched onto that feeling. I was wrong though. Because, I was in pain and needed to manage and take care of my heart first. I needed to love myself more and I didn’t. I wanted to love you because I saw myself in you. Maybe loving you would help me love myself? No. That’s not how that works. Being alone was scary. It was a step into an oblivion of nothingness. What am I to do with all this pain I feel into an unknown future? Can I do it? Wow, do I even believe in myself? Who am I? What do I even want? It’s the ideas, the potential, the feeling. It’s the fear of changing into a person I don’t know.
…Well I’m that person now. The person I was scared to become because, who is she? She can see. She gets it. She understands.
I understand now. That I was in pain. I was panicking. Trauma responses left and right. Trying to fix. Fixate. Control. Overexplain. Change someone else. I was the one who needed changing. But, that’s okay…because I understand now. So, thank you. You helped me to see, because everything was foggy back then. I hope everything is good with you. I hope you can understand, too.
With every breath in me and all of my energy, I push past the parts of myself that tell me I can’t.
Even on the mornings I ask “why?” I embody the character of resiliency.
“I am” despite the thoughts that say “I’m not.”
I define every day with what living means.
I draw it in cursive along the walls of my subconscious.
I deserve peace and I manifest it in every moment.
Although I need time to get my pain together, my strength always takes the lead.
What I have is the power those thoughts try to take from me.
But, even when I feel I’m at my lowest when the fear feels bigger than the triumph,
I get up.
I get up. Every. Single. Time.
Why? Because “I am.”
If there is one word to define me, that word would be resiliency. My unrelenting will to keep coming back stronger and better is what makes me who I am.
I move on.
It’s a kind of elasticity. Adaptation.
I face what is mine and I craft it into myself.
It is a part of me.
To become more of myself is the purpose and the goal.
And as I adapt and adjust, I leave a little of what was me behind.
I am not what I was but still is who I am.
Whatever was me is still me, but now I embrace what I hid. I am the shadow and id. The ego.
All that is me I learn to admire, I tame the impulse. I am my own choice. I choose me.
I am my biggest challenge.
I face that challenge.
If I am not what I know I can be, I am failing my resiliency.
Mind is flooded with questions. Ones that I can’t answer. The type that is out of my control. It’s like…how come I haven’t seen any rainbows? Maybe some miracles?
Just for maybe five seconds, some flowers to represent the “well done.”
I guess I’m just emotionally exhausted.
Adulthood draining me and my subconscious.
A constant cycle of letting myself out to dry after endless tears feel like a thunderstorm.
I’m drenched with the “Whys” and “if.”
In my stomach the lightning of not feeling good enough.
I feel it strike all the way to my chest. Not killing me though but maybe it should.
…Perhaps one day, when I’m not looking, peace will knock at my doorstep ready to move in with me.
The sky will be clear.
The rain passed away.
All simply because I deserve it.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to feel peace.
I deserve the bouquet of flowers ready for me.
All because I deserve to be happy too.
…Until then I wait as I sit in the rain.
“Here is a simple letter. This letter thanks the person who wakes up every morning barely wanting to, but does anyway. This letter is to the survivor, the warrior, and the one who keeps pushing through. This letter is for you...”