“Here is a simple letter. This letter thanks the person who wakes up every morning barely wanting to, but does anyway. This letter is to the survivor, the warrior, and the one who keeps pushing through. This letter is for you...”
There are moments where I sit and write and whatever flows out becomes something of its own. I want to make a toast to everything that’s been good to me, that’s shown me who I am even in conflict and discomfort. This is me. A work in progress, a never-ending process.
Continuously work on yourself even if the reality is uncomfortable….
They say you’re always in your head
Sit and rest in the soil.
Ground your feet in its moisture.
Allow your feet to dig into nature’s peace.
Feel the soil in your palm, feel its natural stillness. Watch as each chunk of soil crumbles in your hand then back on the ground.
Hear your breath sync with the natural rhythm of the air. Each in and out breath recycled.
Sit and rest on the soil.
Notice your position to the trees above you. Notice how to be. Notice the enlightened realness of simply existing.
Rest in the roots of nature’s natural medicine.
Feel the peace radiate out of the earth.
Simply because I’ve been in a mental turmoil, I ask to be reeled into safety where I can find peace again. Peace will fight for me. Peace can teach me to hope again. Where did my peace go? Please, peace come back to me.
Read it on The Mighty!
The Last Days of College
I sat in my bed unable to grasp the idea of the morning. Morning means I must get up and go to class, again. But when did yesterday end? Why does today have to begin? My mind dozes off for another 15 minutes after realizing I fell asleep only three hours prior. With my body weak and my stomach nauseous, my mind overflowed with lists; lists of assignments, projects, tests, research, goals, ambitions, dreams, expectations, procrastination, perfection, the GRE, fixing my family, money…everything. Everything remained in the forefront of my mind daily. Time was a blur and so was my idea of eating breakfast. My stomach longing and screaming for food. Class! I have to get to class. I dragged myself out of bed and into my 9:15 am class. No food. No rest.
This pattern exists as my morning routine for most of my weeks. My days consist of dreadful mornings and long hours.
The more I worry and leave self-care behind, the more an unfamiliar sensation brew in the pit of my stomach. Walking around campus became foggy. Exhaustion is now my new normal. I am a zombie, slave to the regular routine of the student. All work.
Days pass by and nothing is better. I keep going. Work. Work and procrastination remain my cycle until the unfamiliar sensation manifested itself into existence.
My breath is short, my mind blank, my hands clammy, my chest heavy, eyes filled with tears looking into nothing, stomach aching, rocking to feel something. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m all alone. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t do it. I can’t do any of this.
After some persuading, I found myself in the counseling center once a week for only a few weeks, then in psych services for the remainder of the semester. I must fix myself. I sat in her office, uncomfortable, nauseous, exhausted, and depressed. Talking didn’t help my daily nausea or worried soul, but I kept going. I kept going to class, finishing assignments, papers, and projects, and finally getting my degree. Magna cum laude with anxiety.
Post-Graduation and Anxiety
I can’t say actually getting sleep or eating reverses the effects of anxiety, but it helps to see better. The fog is clear now even though I often find myself nauseous. Every time I do something a bit risky, like taking a high-stress job to start paying off my loans, the tiniest amount of stress results in panic. My mind can’t take any amount of stress. It feels attacked overwhelmed.
I must explain to others what I have even though I don’t believe it’s valid or real. I felt embarrassed and ashamed at first. It’s difficult to admit I have a problem, but that is my first hurdle to overcome.
The first step I took in my mental health journey consists of addressing and saying out loud that what I have is real. I write to make all the lists real and tangible. What aids the stress in my head is no longer in my head, but instead reversed into something positive. I write down everything.
I’m in control again.
The Process of Achieving
It’s been two years since I graduated and I’m now starting to get back my ambitious spirit. I found myself afraid and unable to take risks because fear became my mirror. I’m no longer a robotic perfectionist expecting no mistakes from myself, I take my time, and I put myself first.
Self-care isn’t an idea we teach ourselves to prioritize but it’s the most fundamental necessity — the mental just as important as the physical. We must learn our boundaries and limits and figure out if the risks and stress we take are worth our energy.
Having anxiety, depression, or any mental illness or limitation does not mean we can’t have high standards, ambitions, and goals. We just know where our boundaries and limits lie. We must prioritize our self-care over anything else and that is ok. The constant task of weighing our options and declining some opportunities will be our regular because we know that we can’t do everything. That’s what self-care is.
We are able to do what we want despite the obstacles we face. The more we learn how best to take care of ourselves, the better we become at making sound and reasonable decisions about your future.
We can do this “adulting” thing.
“I am” is the most powerful two words you can utter. The more you declare and affirm who you are, the more you will teach yourself kindness, empathy, love, power, and independence.
As we venture into the realm of declarative “I am” statements, know that we will do so with grace, forgiveness, an open mind, and strength.
We know who we are so, therefore, we know who we are not. We know that we are more and not less. Declare more while disowning the negative counterparts.
You are someone. You are someone with a journey. You are someone with a purpose. You are someone with a mind. You are someone with a voice.
So, tell me who you are.
Read this poem on The Mighty
I will make decisions based on what’s best for me and who I am.
I will know myself, love myself, and not work simply to survive.
I will give myself time and be patient with my process.
I will hold my head up when my answer is no and proudly keep striving for what’s best for me.
I will work hard and keep looking.
I will know who I am in this process.
I will not live for anyone else but myself.
My mistakes will be my own and I will take responsibility for my life.
I will be great.
I know I can be great.
When I look at myself, this is what I see. I see someone who is able, but troubled, someone who loves, who cares, a fighter, a creator, a writer, an empath. When I see myself, I see someone who is many things. I see someone who has the power to be someone. I see change. I see struggle. I see growth.
Look at yourself. What do you see?
Make sure to look at all parts of you. All the parts that make you someone.
Sometimes we look at ourselves and we don’t know what we see. We don’t know who we are.
Look at yourself and tell me what you see.
You are a beautiful multifaceted masterpiece. It’s not enough to look at our pain and let it define all of who we are. We have to break ourselves apart to get to every piece of jewel.
We have so much in us that we toss to the side. We must dig deep to find our drive and our will to continuously know who we are.
Let’s find our light together.
Heal with me.
Comment below what you see when you look at yourself. Focus on everything (not just the good or the bad, but remember to be gentle with yourself). And as we begin to see, we begin to reflect and to grow in our self-acceptance.
See it also on The Mighty!
You are worthy of life, of love, of compassion, of truth, of fulfillment. Your heart lies the universe. Everything that is in you is of greatness and of depth. No matter how much you struggle, remind yourself how much you have inside of you. You have great power in you.