This is a letter from one of those whos killed herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows. The loser. The second best. The one whos been rejected. The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it. The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect. The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep. The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast. The one who raised her hand every class. The one who was the weakest link. The one who couldn’t go to graduate school. The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be…the best.
The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.
Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.
Note 18: I’ve realized that being tired is a part of being an adult especially when you’re trying to create yourself. Even when you’re really tired, however, you can always create something. You can create something big or something small. Let your creativity flow even when you’re exhausted.
I was lost
For a little while
I was broken by the big vision and the big dreams
I didn’t think I can do it…
I was lost from the notion that I wasn’t getting anyway
That the road was too narrow and me, too big…I got tired
But im back again
To fight some more…
I don’t want to be lost anymore
It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters.
It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break.
This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.
This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.
This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.
This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.
The cash register.
I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.
The questions. All the questions.
The people. All the people.
The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.
Sooo I just got rejected a job opportunity again. I’m feeling a bit frustrated, a bit trapped, a bit discouraged. Feeling like I’m not good enough…again. Feeling like I probably should have killed myself more in undergrad with internships or other jobs. Feeling a bit drained and tired in my current state.
But I will keep pushing. Keep striving. Maybe someone will see my passion and motivation someday, sometime in the field that I feel most passionate about. Going through a tough moment, but I will bounce back. I will keep trying my best. Trying to not get consumed by the rejection is the hardest, but I’m going to use it as a point of reference.
Rejection is good. That opportunity wasn’t for you. Whats for you will accept you with open arms especially when its in line with your passions. Keep trying. Keep pushing.
Note 11 is a bit lengthy but I feel its something that needs to be expressed and talked about. In the wake of current race wars, clashes of political views, and being on the brink of total chaos, brings up the issue of being uncomfortable with living and coexisting with people who are different in environments that are culturally diverse. Its time to realize that there is no need to hate or fear those who are different. Sit and learn from those who challenge or contradict your way of living. Although it will be uncomfortable, moments of clarity when opening up perspective only benefits you in the long run. Transformation and knowledge only comes when placed in circumstances that challenge your point of view. Hate is dangerous, infectious, and unnecessary. We all can learn from the experiences of one another and that learning process never ends. Just because there hasn’t been any studies or documentation of a persons experiences based on popular opinion doesn’t means its invalid or untrue. Sit and listen. There is so much we can learn from one another. There are things that happen that some don’t know about and things that need to be said that aren’t being talked about. There is always space to dialogue about the things that are going on respectfully without undermining or demeaning the lives of the people who are underrepresented (especially).
Pulling back from giving 100%. Pulling back from helping and empathizing. Pulling back to save myself, to save my energy. From doing everything. I’m pulling back because I see and I feel too much. I hope too much, I love too much. I pull back because I care…too much. I’m tired so I have to pull back. I can feel it, pulling myself back. It’s really uncomfortable, but in order to not panic or stress out from overexerting myself, I pull back.
Motivation for this post:
Note 9: While I’m waiting for my mighty story to get published on my explanation of what anxiety has been like for me, I’ll simply write this note on the importance and awareness of those who struggle mentally.
It isn’t fun to have any mental illness, but for me specifically anxiety has been at its worse. Overthinking, believing the negative thoughts, driving myself insane, its not intentional or a joke. At times its just dormant like its gone and as soon as a trigger comes, it awakens like a beast in its sleep. But, I would have to say that nothing is impossible and having new experiences coming my way has challenged me to learn to react to triggers. That in itself has helped and progressed me in my mental health healing.
As I continuously see mental health awareness come more and more out in the open, I would like to encourage those who struggle with their mental health to get help if you need to. Talk to someone. The person doesn’t even have to be a professional. Talk to someone who loves you. I’m always here to talk too! Don’t drown in the darkness of your mind.
Note 8: Money seems to be the motivation for people being in specific situations or having certain jobs. Money seems to be the reason why people do things to others (good or bad), but since having been employed for around 2 months now, I noticed that money doesn’t motivate me. Deciding to be happy and stable emotionally, mentally, and physically is more important and if the job im doing isn’t doing that then its time to move on and do something thats better for me no matter how good I might be getting paid. After graduating I noticed that I never put myself first, I always put my studies over my own well being but that stops now and forever. If I see that something isn’t helping me improve or aid in the growth of my positive self-image I need to move on.