Category: What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Notes, Self-Talk

SWT 100 Notes Note 27: Love in a Danger Zone

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. How is it that I can love deeply like this? I think of the ways that can make someone else smile. I spend hours looking for something or thinking up ideas on ways I can express my love. Why? Is it that serious? But then I feel bad because sometimes I don’t get the magnitude of love back that I’m giving so I break down. I feel betrayed. Why do I love like this? Even when I can’t afford to love like I do, I’ll go broke drowning in my giving.

I wish I can give the world when I can’t. I’m working too hard to get the love I’m letting out. I don’t want to look crazy for being creative with my love so I feel like I’m retreating to a dark place in my self-esteem. I’m afraid of being hurt and embarrassed for doing too much.

I just want love too.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Late Night Talks With Nina, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, Videos

Late Night Talks with Nina: Explaining the Gradual Manifestation of my Anxiety

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

As I learn to explain what anxiety is to others, I have to first validate what it is in my head and love myself through it. Anxiety is something I go through everyday and by understanding where it came from, I can treat it and take steps in my healing process.

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Power, Self-Talk

I Came to Give Back Hope

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

I remember the time I was struck with insecurities about who I am.
How I couldn’t explain what I want to do, or who I want to be.
I remember being stuck…
Hesitating…
Putting myself down…
After I was done doing a bad job at explaining my interests, I then immediately thought, wow, that’s stupid. What you want is not a thing.
You won’t get anywhere with that. Who does that? You’ve done nothing for yourself to get the unimaginable dream you want to come true.
And as I began to crush my dreams next to tangible accomplishments of the ones around me, I began to shrink. Shrink so small that I couldn’t see myself anymore. I saw myself in the muck and oil of my current state. I began to grab my aching back and bruised arms, rub the pain from my wrist, and throw up blood from the anxiety and the depression.
Then I thought, a hope so big brings people bed ridden for dead back to life. A hope that opens closed eyes and ears. A hope of power that flows and pumps blood to my heart every time. The one time I feel a touch of happiness is when I create something.

While my suffering heart feels myself floating and dispersing into the sea of forgotten faces of capitalistic tendencies, I remember, my dreams is what brought me back to life after my soul left my body..and into an oblivion I went…drowning in fear and regret, I thought I was nothing, but my dreams made me feel something. While my body and soul unite again it’s because of my pencil and my pen.
I remember why my heart started to beat and the oxygen came back into my lungs.
I created something.
Thats what I do.
I write.
I dream.
I’m a motivator for life.
Living is my motto.

I remember I was struck with insecurities about who I am, then I thought one more time…I create to give back the life of those whos bodies have left their souls.

I came to give back hope

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Self-Care, Self-Talk

BayArt Article: Tough Love Doesn’t Work for a Perfectionist

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Perfectionism: Being Tough on Myself

Since I was a little girl I’ve been a perfectionist. The way I colored in the lines or how my homework had to be neat all the time, showed how hard I was on myself to be my best and do my best. I was tough on myself at a young age. My grades had to be perfect. I was my worst critic and worse enemy. These moments created the negative self-talk habits that eventually evolved into anxiety (but that’s my other story).

Everyone who knew me was always so surprised at how hard I worked or how much effort I put into things even if that much work wasn’t necessary. I always pushed myself to the limit and challenged myself to be the best I can. This mindset wasn’t always healthy or helpful for me. That five page paper that was supposed to be two pages or those four page notes that was supposed to be one or two was how much more time I put into things I didn’t need to, but let me get to the point. How hard I worked and how much energy I put into the most basic things created in me a monster of perfectionist tendencies that didn’t allow for me to be compassionate to myself.

Tough Love and Anger

As I got older I began meeting people (i.e teachers and religious leaders) who believed in using tough love to get across to others. Their lack of soft compassion made me even more hard on myself and more angry that I should be better and doing better. This made me hate them for not seeing how much work I put into things that I did. Phrases like “what happened?”,”You should have done better”, “this is not like you”, you’ll be okay”,”toughen up and do better” and “get better because people are watching you” became extremely toxic to the already monster of perfectionism that drove me crazy daily. I became angry and frustrated. People who used tough love around me made me avoid them, prohibiting me in learning self- love and compassion. I was always on myself and didn’t know how to slow down and rest. When I was struggling, I didn’t know how to tell others. I would convince myself that I’m always supposed to be okay and ready all the time.

While I did have supportive people in my life, those who used tough love weren’t as effective even if they had good intentions. I appreciate how much I learned about myself, however, though the bumpy roads of my childhood and teen years though those people who showed me tough love.

Moral of the Story: Takeaways

Be kind to yourself and others and also show your children that it’s OK to fail. Learning and growing with your failures is important in self-development. I wasn’t accepting of failure and that made me into the perfectionist monster I was. Because I wasn’t compassionate to myself, the lack of compassion from others made me angry and frustrated. I didn’t learn how to slow down till later in life. I didn’t learn the word no till I was 22.
Self-care and compassion is important. Be compassionate to yourself. Learn self-worth and slow down when you feel yourself working too much. Being the best isn’t necessary as long as you put in how much effort you can. Put in a healthy amount of effort into task. Your worth and your energy is based on you. Know your worth and put a healthy amount of energy into your daily activities. Be kind to yourself and learn to say to yourself “I did a good job. Now I can rest.”

Also, not everyone reacts positively to tough love so remember to always add compassion and love in your interactions. Some people have daily battles mentally and may take offense to phrases that aren’t helpful in showing them how, what, or when to do better. Be encouraging.

Find article in link below:

Realization: Tough Love Doesn’t Work for a Perfectionist

Posted in Confessions, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Confession: A Broken Cross Road

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Its been a difficult year already. I’m writing to let out and release because otherwise I don’t know what else to do. I’m in a point in my life where I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. I don’t want to stay where I am but I’m stuck in a cross road and even more stuck mentally. I’m physically exhausted and mentally going partially insane (I feel like). My anxiety is telling me lies but still tears fall down my face because I am loved and people do care, right?

I feel my purpose is lost in a financial prison and my degree is just a burnt paper worth nothing. What do I do? Where do I go? Thoughts of worthlessness in creeping back in and it makes my chest hurt. Holding back cries and wanting to scream is where I am. I only wish things will get better. Hopefully they will.

I have to take care of myself thats one thing I have to keep in mind all the time. I learned a week ago that people only care about their money and their business so jobs are just temporary till you get something better suited for you. Fast food isn’t a healthy environment and I need to move on, but to what?

My procrastination is only a product of my fear, a deeply rooted fear. I’m scared of failure and I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of change and I’m scared of stress. I’m scared of my anxiety and I’m scared of getting depressed. I just want to be okay for once, for an extended period of time. I’m tired. I’m tired of worrying all the time about everything.

Please life bring something good for me.

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Mental Health, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 19

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This is a letter from the one that kills herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows.

The loser.

The second best.

The girl whos been rejected.

The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it.

The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect.

The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep.

The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast.

The one who raised her hand every class.

The one who was the weakest link.

The one who couldn’t go to graduate school.

The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be...the best.

The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.

Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Reflection, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

One Reflection 

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

We are getting closer to the end of this year and I can’t help but be thankful. In the moments of darkness and in those of light, I’ve still been able to breathe. While I had to maintain and sustain myself to keep going, while sometimes I felt weakest, I can stand to say I made it through every moment. My imagination and creativity went crazy and for that I’m most excited. This year has been a sparkly one and in a war zone at that. While I continue to build my tough skin and stamina, while I continue to transform into a heightened self, I want to thank those who loved me through every moment. So much new has come this year it was overwhelming, but so much old has stayed too. 

SparklyWarTanks will continue to get stronger and so will my love and gratitude, especially for those who  keep up with me. New thing will come in the years to come and I’m ready. 

I’m ready to continue to declare war for myself and for others. For my women, those that struggle to wake up and those that have no other choice to be strong. I also declare war for the sake of equality and justice to dismantle the patriarchy and white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, islamaphobia, all those things that push us into fearing one another, its time to take those ideologies and break them. Through these systems we are seperate, but only in unity will we become our most enlightened selves. 

While we have so much to do, we still have the potential to be our greatest selves, as a community, as a society, as one.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Videos, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

An Intro: Confessions of my Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here.  This is my attempt at talking about what I go through.  It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating.  It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it.  Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down.  Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through.  This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future.  The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me.  Hope you enjoy.

This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety.  This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real.  This is me facing my monsters.  This is me putting myself out in the open.  This is me healing.