Category: What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Making Sense Analysis, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

Why I Claim my Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Mental Illness and Religion

Depression

I struggled with depression for a lot of my teenage years unknowingly; falling into silent spells or isolation cycles were “normal” ways I would deal with how I felt. Because of this, depression remained regular. The pain was me.

When I thought about depression or sadness my mind would drift off to what my former pastors would suggest— praying, fasting, and going to church healed all wombs. I often heard, “mental illness was a weakness, ‘the devil’ is consuming your thoughts to keep you from what God has for you. The only way I could be better was to do what God wants me to do. If you’re continuously doing bad, then it’s your fault. You are not trying hard enough. Do not ever claim depression on your life. Don’t say that out loud! If you say it you are manifesting that demon on yourself.” Frightening, right?

Because of those words, I grew up scared of myself, my thoughts, and God punishing me. I felt relief in my good days but tormented on my bad. Maybe if I tried to be “as holy” as I could then maybe I would feel better. The day never came where just praying and fasting relieved my depressive thoughts though.

Here Comes Anxiety…

When first faced with crippling anxiety, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and discouraged. I isolated myself and talked to no one about my struggles. It wasn’t real. I tried to push harder even when I felt exhausted. Self-care, mental health, or anxiety weren’t words or phrases I knew much about anyway. I just had to pray, right? My relationship with God is not strong enough. I kept pushing myself well past my physical and mental limits until I couldn’t anymore. The more I dismissed my symptoms and repressed my feelings, the more I felt powerless, hopeless, and weak.

Moving Forward

Writing Therapy

In order to feel better, I challenged myself to think deeper. What do I do to move forward? As I constantly struggled to find peace in my mental turmoil, I looked to my writing and voice for refuge.  The day I felt most empowered, most liberated, and most peace fell on one day, the day I uttered the words “I have depression and struggle with anxiety.”

While I long left the church because I wanted to find myself aside from religious indoctrination, I started writing, and the words I typed and wrote freed me from my thoughts. Thoughts became tangible. Words became ideas I could look at. I manipulated those words to something positive and uplifting. I began reflecting on and discussing what mental health meant for me, asking critical questions combining my pain with creativity. Excitement filled me again. 

Final Thoughts

My projects now bring me to life, they are my medicine. The words I utter, the words I write are my power. I am new, I feel refreshed. I wage war on my mental health struggles, expectations, and stereotypes that bind me and my progress (hence why my writing space/blog is SparklyWarTanks).

Even though I still struggle, I continue to write and think of new and creative ways to express myself. I’m currently planning and hosting events too! There is power in words, whether it’s saying them, writing them, or thinking them.

Claiming my anxiety and depression was not a downfall manifesting struggle and doom to my life, claiming anxiety and depression gave me the power that helped me to liberate my perspective, relieve my mind, and continue on in the progression of becoming myself.

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

I’m a College Grad with Anxiety but I’m Still Ambitious

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

 

The Last Days of College

I sat in my bed unable to grasp the idea of the morning. Morning means I must get up and go to class, again. But when did yesterday end? Why does today have to begin? My mind dozes off for another 15 minutes after realizing I fell asleep only three hours prior. With my body weak and my stomach nauseous, my mind overflowed with lists; lists of assignments, projects, tests, research, goals, ambitions, dreams, expectations, procrastination, perfection, the GRE, fixing my family, money…everything. Everything remained in the forefront of my mind daily. Time was a blur and so was my idea of eating breakfast. My stomach longing and screaming for food. Class! I have to get to class. I dragged myself out of bed and into my 9:15 am class. No food. No rest.

This pattern exists as my morning routine for most of my weeks. My days consist of dreadful mornings and long hours.

The more I worry and leave self-care behind, the more an unfamiliar sensation brew in the pit of my stomach. Walking around campus became foggy. Exhaustion is now my new normal. I am a zombie, slave to the regular routine of the student. All work.

Days pass by and nothing is better. I keep going. Work. Work and procrastination remain my cycle until the unfamiliar sensation manifested itself into existence.

A panic.

My breath is short, my mind blank, my hands clammy, my chest heavy, eyes filled with tears looking into nothing, stomach aching, rocking to feel something. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m all alone. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t do it. I can’t do any of this.

After some persuading, I found myself in the counseling center once a week for only a few weeks, then in psych services for the remainder of the semester. I must fix myself. I sat in her office, uncomfortable, nauseous, exhausted, and depressed. Talking didn’t help my daily nausea or worried soul, but I kept going. I kept going to class, finishing assignments, papers, and projects, and finally getting my degree. Magna cum laude with anxiety.

Post-Graduation and Anxiety

I can’t say actually getting sleep or eating reverses the effects of anxiety, but it helps to see better. The fog is clear now even though I often find myself nauseous. Every time I do something a bit risky, like taking a high-stress job to start paying off my loans, the tiniest amount of stress results in panic. My mind can’t take any amount of stress. It feels attacked overwhelmed.

I must explain to others what I have even though I don’t believe it’s valid or real. I felt embarrassed and ashamed at first. It’s difficult to admit I have a problem, but that is my first hurdle to overcome.

The first step I took in my mental health journey consists of addressing and saying out loud that what I have is real. I write to make all the lists real and tangible. What aids the stress in my head is no longer in my head, but instead reversed into something positive. I write down everything.

I’m in control again.

The Process of Achieving

It’s been two years since I graduated and I’m now starting to get back my ambitious spirit. I found myself afraid and unable to take risks because fear became my mirror. I’m no longer a robotic perfectionist expecting no mistakes from myself, I take my time, and I put myself first.

Self-care isn’t an idea we teach ourselves to prioritize but it’s the most fundamental necessity — the mental just as important as the physical. We must learn our boundaries and limits and figure out if the risks and stress we take are worth our energy.

Having anxiety, depression, or any mental illness or limitation does not mean we can’t have high standards, ambitions, and goals. We just know where our boundaries and limits lie. We must prioritize our self-care over anything else and that is ok. The constant task of weighing our options and declining some opportunities will be our regular because we know that we can’t do everything. That’s what self-care is.

We are able to do what we want despite the obstacles we face. The more we learn how best to take care of ourselves, the better we become at making sound and reasonable decisions about your future.

We can do this “adulting” thing.

Posted in Defying Shadows Articles, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Power, Reflection, Self-Care

Defying Shadows Article: Making Decisions as Someine with Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Making decisions with anxiety and depression can leave you in a weak and vulnerable state. Not being able to take every opportunity or apply for every job can be stressful as you may find yourself frustrated and less-than because of it.

I was faced with declining a job because I prioritized my mental health and here is what I have to say about it:

Making Decisions as Someone with Anxiety and Depression

Posted in Confessions, Reflection, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

#MeToo…

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

*Trigger Warning*

My #metoo story

When I was in middle school, on my way to school one day, a grown man grabbed my butt. Startled and confused I looked back trembling to see him smiling as he walked away in satisfaction of his actions. I did not know this man. There were hundreds of kids around as it was by a high school and bus stop. I trembled the rest of the day, could feel my nerves all of sudden feel uneasy. I avoid the area where this happened to me. I feel uncomfortable to be alone outside sometimes. I’m hyperaware when I’m alone and often paranoid to walk by large groups of guys.
What’s happening now makes me more uncomfortable and afraid then I was before. The power I lost that day was unreal. To see so many women coming out in #metoo, to express their hopelessness in this country’s justice system to help makes me disgusted. To read the comments on these posts of people justifying these actions because of a loss of time or lack of evidence makes me furious. No one saw what happened to me that day, where there were swarms of people. I didn’t think what happened to me mattered. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t grasp the idea that this was not ok. All I felt was a loss of self and of safety. I just want to feel safe again. When will I feel safe again?

It was a lot to think about this today. To think how often sexual assault, rape, and harassment happens on a daily basis. As women, we have to always be aware, be awake, and be looking out for our safety. It’s not fair for us to live like this. I’ve been disgruntled and uncomfortable all month.

Stay safe and be careful. It’s never your fault if these horrible things have happened to you (whether you’re a man or a woman).

I love you and I’m here if anyone wants to vent.

Posted in Challenges, Confessions, Creations, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love, Potential and Worth, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

Bulletin Challenge: What Do You See When You Look at Yourself?

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

When I look at myself, this is what I see. I see someone who is able, but troubled, someone who loves, who cares, a fighter, a creator, a writer, an empath. When I see myself, I see someone who is many things. I see someone who has the power to be someone. I see change. I see struggle. I see growth.

Look at yourself. What do you see?

Make sure to look at all parts of you. All the parts that make you someone.

Sometimes we look at ourselves and we don’t know what we see. We don’t know who we are.

Look at yourself and tell me what you see.

You are a beautiful multifaceted masterpiece. It’s not enough to look at our pain and let it define all of who we are. We have to break ourselves apart to get to every piece of jewel.

We have so much in us that we toss to the side. We must dig deep to find our drive and our will to continuously know who we are.

Let’s find our light together.

Heal with me.

Comment below what you see when you look at yourself. Focus on everything (not just the good or the bad, but remember to be gentle with yourself). And as we begin to see, we begin to reflect and to grow in our self-acceptance.

See it also on The Mighty!

Posted in Confessions, Other Accomplishments

I’m Featured in a Newspaper Article!

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

From Facebook memes to gaming platforms: Where college students turn when they can’t discuss mental illness on campus

Nina Rondon is a 24-year-old Latina woman who grew up in a conservative Christian family in Brooklyn. She has suffered from anxiety and depression for several years but initially didn’t know how to describe her experience.

“Especially in the Latinx community, you don’t want to say you have depression,” Rondon said. “You don’t get treatment. You pray about it.”

Read more in the link above in article by Aneri Pattani

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Power, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, The Mighty

#MightyThoughts: The Intensity of Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Not everyday will be easy, and not every moment will be peaceful, but what matters is the fight you put for yourself to continue on in spite of the struggle. Although life may put you in quicksand, remember to be still and let those sorrows pass you. You will then realize you were never sinking. Find peace of mind when you’re alone in a shaky place. Relax your chaos, then rest. You won the battle.

Posted in Confessions, Mental Health, Notes, Reflection

SWT 100 Notes Note 29: Exhaustion

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

You ever been so tired your bones hurt?

You ever been so tired your eyes were heavy and your head nodded to the side?

You ever felt so tired that you could feel real tears forming in your eyes because all you wanted was to be able to sleep?

My worst fear in life is to feel this type of exhaustion again. To feel so much in a daze about reality that I wanted a break from being awake. I’ve become this exhausted more than one time, and I’m so afraid of feeling like this again. I’m afraid of the headaches, the irritation, the hunger, the dissociation, the lack of energy, and the anxiety that comes with it.

While my sleeping patterns will probably never get to where they need to be, I can always count on being able to sleep through the mornings while I gather myself to live through the next day.

College and food service jobs exhausted me so much I just want to be in bed. I want to recover and be able to sleep as much as I need to. I guess that’s why I’m afraid of getting another job.

I don’t want to feel this type of exhaustion again.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Reflection

BayArt Article: What I want Others to Understand about Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

The Issues with Depression

Depression can be difficult to talk about and even more difficult to explain. Depression is different for everyone and challenging to deal with especially when the symptoms conflict with completing everyday tasks. It can be debilitating and paralyzing, prohibiting you from doing what you usually do on a daily basis.

Understanding depression can be frustrating for both the person who struggles with it and those around them. It takes patience, kindness, love, empathy, and compassion to be able to deal with that person as they understand themselves in their mental hardships.

Understanding Depression: An Amplification of a Negative Self-Image

Depression makes negative emotions extreme. If you feel down, depression will maximize your thoughts in ways that will remind you a million more reasons why you’re not good enough or why you can’t do something. Feeling lonely? Depression will tell you that no one cares. If you feel hopeless, or angry, or anxious, depression will amplify those feelings and convince you that you deserve to feel that way. It makes everything your fault. Depression, however, is what’s wrong, not you. If you’re in a state of any type of depression, understand that amplification of negative self-talk.

While depression is different for everyone depending on their circumstances and triggers, a low sense of self-does not allow them to heal or recover quickly. It takes time and constant self-work to not fall under the assumptions and hopelessness of depressive thoughts, but you have power.

To the One who Struggles: Lean Toward Recovery and Self-Care

Tell yourself, and show yourself that those amplified horrible assumptions are not you. You are good enough, strong enough, and brave enough to say no to the depression. Train your mind to see the opposite of those false thoughts. Be active in your healing. Talk sense to your strength in order to wage war on your depressive thoughts. Don’t fall in the slums of your mental struggle. When you feel yourself sinking, allow yourself to float. Just let go. Your tense response to depression is making you sink, rise above it. Rise above your thoughts with all of your power. You can fight back. You are brave.

To the Loved ones of People who Struggle with Depression: Listen to them

Depression can be difficult to talk about especially when the depression itself is telling you that no one cares. If you notice or see depressive symptoms in someone you know or love, talk to them and let them know that they are noticed and loved. Allow for them to be honest, if that’s what they want to do, and if they talk negatively about themselves reassure them that they are good enough, strong enough and that you care about them. How they might respond depends on how they are feeling, but being unconditionally loving and present allows them the space to reach out if they want to talk or ask for help.

Although it depends on the person and whether they want help or not, little gestures of compassion and caring will go a long way. Know who they are and what they like. Be present and aware. Be conscious and awake. Try your best. There is also suggesting professional help or therapy for them as well.

Since depression is so ambiguous and diverse depending on the person who has it, it’s all up to understanding the person and who they are. Healing for them is individual and you can be a part of that healing.

Find article in link below:

What I want Others to Understand about Depression

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Power

You are a Life Worth Living

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

I’ve been awake at night and asleep during the day.

My eyes dried with the stale realization that I don’t matter.

My voice is low with no echo and no significance. Fingers pointing at me because I’m the dramatic one.

My motivation has wasted from its high expectation.

I fall flat on my face with this realization.

I feel broken, shattering into a million pieces, so I try to grab onto the nearest person to me, but they look at me confused…uncaring…whats wrong with you?

I scream but no sounds comes out. I’m sitting alone. I’m holding my knees to my chest.

Pain.

I feel pain.

Invisible damage.

But then…

I see the sun come up.

And still I can’t see who I’m supposed to become.

My life has no meaning.

I write it down so I can see it…

You are a life worth living.

And again…

You are a life worth living.

And while I wipe the pieces of my broken self and realize it’s just shedding ashes from the volcano that just erupted inside me, I get up.

Maybe, just maybe I will begin to see that my life is necessary.