How’s everyone’s day been? For me I’ve been struggling.
I didn’t realize how hard this pandemic has affected me until I started to reconnect with others. Having perceptions of safety and holding to my boundaries made sense when I built a safe place alone, but it becomes real when something “triggers your inner untapped wound”, and for me its my fear of abandonment. The thought that no matter what, everyone will leave eventually or no matter how hard I try no one can reciprocate the love I feel for them especially when I love them…a lot. I tend to run away in embarrassment because “I love someone who can’t love me too”.
This in my nervous system manifest as PTSD, anxiety, and a slab of persistent depressive disorder.
I talk a lot about reflection and healing, but that’s because I know how it feels to experience a mental health condition. Healing my nervous system has been my biggest challenge so far in my life. If you know what it’s like to have a mental health condition, know that I see you, I feel you, and I love you. This journey doesn’t make you weak because it isn’t for the weak.
Just the idea that I can be perceived as “mentally ill” has kept me from exploring new relationships, but I don’t want that for myself. I deserve to be loved by others. I can be loved by others. I will be loved by others. I’ve healed a lot over the past two and half years, but THIS WOUND? It really HURTS.
In this new season of my life, I know I have to work on this pain specifically and I know it’s going to HURT A LOT. Pushing myself to open up fully, be transparent, and unapologetically love without fear will break me to build me back up.
I know I will make mistakes and some people won’t understand me, but that’s OK. I still want to spread unconditional love and kindness to others.
Thank you for reading. Continue to journey with me ❤️.
Moving forward comes with transformation and letting go. Don’t feel guilty for being better and doing better. Take steps in progression.
In the process of transformation and moving forward:
There are times where you will be uncomfortable.
You will come face to face with your biggest battle/struggle/obstacle
There will be pain
You will be hurt
Sometimes you will doubt yourself/something you thought you believed
Your perception will change
You will become liberated mentally/spiritually/emotionally
Freedom will look differently
You will understand more the challenges of others as well as your own
You will ask questions
You will be different
While you move forward and transform, there will be times where anxiety will strike you. You will notice that you see the world differently. Don’t be afraid of this realization. In that moment you have broke free from the chains of complacency.
She is becoming and no one can stop her progress. She is transforming, becoming something more than she ever imagined. Like the butterfly, she built her cocoon, but before anyone could realize how long shes been away, she broke out, starting from her mind, her old ways shedding like a snake’s scales, away and left like old news. She is becoming. She has made herself into something great. From the scars of her psyche, to the bruises pounding her heart, she made it. Althought she wanted to sit and enjoy the evergreens of complacency, she got up, and there she started her process…of becoming.
I saw myself change in a matter of a year. The transformation drastic. I can recognize who I am now, when before it was blurry. With the change came progress and opportunities. With opportunities came decisions. As I sit between my past and my future, I can’t help to see the beauty in the collision between the darkness and the light. I still have what I was in me, but as I grow farther from it, I see the lesson, and that lesson is the mist. The light is waiting to take over the rest.