Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Notes, Self-Talk

SWT 100 Notes Note 27: Love in a Danger Zone

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. How is it that I can love deeply like this? I think of the ways that can make someone else smile. I spend hours looking for something or thinking up ideas on ways I can express my love. Why? Is it that serious? But then I feel bad because sometimes I don’t get the magnitude of love back that I’m giving so I break down. I feel betrayed. Why do I love like this? Even when I can’t afford to love like I do, I’ll go broke drowning in my giving.

I wish I can give the world when I can’t. I’m working too hard to get the love I’m letting out. I don’t want to look crazy for being creative with my love so I feel like I’m retreating to a dark place in my self-esteem. I’m afraid of being hurt and embarrassed for doing too much.

I just want love too.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Late Night Talks With Nina, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, Videos

Late Night Talks with Nina: Explaining the Gradual Manifestation of my Anxiety

As I learn to explain what anxiety is to others, I have to first validate what it is in my head and love myself through it. Anxiety is something I go through everyday and by understanding where it came from, I can treat it and take steps in my healing process.

Posted in Confessions, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Confession: A Broken Cross Road

Its been a difficult year already. I’m writing to let out and release because otherwise I don’t know what else to do. I’m in a point in my life where I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. I don’t want to stay where I am but I’m stuck in a cross road and even more stuck mentally. I’m physically exhausted and mentally going partially insane (I feel like). My anxiety is telling me lies but still tears fall down my face because I am loved and people do care, right?

I feel my purpose is lost in a financial prison and my degree is just a burnt paper worth nothing. What do I do? Where do I go? Thoughts of worthlessness in creeping back in and it makes my chest hurt. Holding back cries and wanting to scream is where I am. I only wish things will get better. Hopefully they will.

I have to take care of myself thats one thing I have to keep in mind all the time. I learned a week ago that people only care about their money and their business so jobs are just temporary till you get something better suited for you. Fast food isn’t a healthy environment and I need to move on, but to what?

My procrastination is only a product of my fear, a deeply rooted fear. I’m scared of failure and I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of change and I’m scared of stress. I’m scared of my anxiety and I’m scared of getting depressed. I just want to be okay for once, for an extended period of time. I’m tired. I’m tired of worrying all the time about everything.

Please life bring something good for me.

Posted in Confessions, Quotes

Some People’s Purpose is to Break your Heart

Some People’s Purpose is to Break Your Heart

It’s one of those nights where my brains ability to reminisce creates uncomfortable memory recovery.  Where I do not understand why some people have come and gone in seconds, some in months, and some in years.  I learned that not everyone is meant to stay in your life, they’re just meant to teach you lessons, but it also occurred to me that some people are just meant to break your heart.  I’m not only talking about the casual break up with a significant partner, but also family and friends.  Some people enter your life to break you down—some short term and others long term.  In other instances they will just leave while others will linger then leave eventually. Some will even care then stop caring.

This realization has made me, yet again, afraid to create new bonds and friendships but hopeful of the possibility to create and learn from new experiences at the same time.  Life has a way of masking hurt and pain by revealing those wounds into experiences that you would not have witnessed otherwise. I’ve had a fair share, I would say, of rejections and disappointments of people who said they cared but didn’t and a whole lot of self hatred because of it, but I learned (even though those incidents still haunt me in the deep hours of the night) how to appreciate myself and my own company.

Don’t let the illusion of brokenness from people who’s purpose in your life was to break your heart keep you from becoming yourself.

Try to let go of past relationships that didn’t work out. It will take time and probably a lot of tears, but someone else is waiting and they will come with purpose to build you up, stay, push you, and help you get to your power and worth.

Don’t allow past actions of other people to keep you from becoming, teaching, and building those you encounter.  You are not alone.

Be great and be yourself.  That’s all that is necessary.