Tag: anxiety

Posted in Confessions, Mental Health, Notes, Reflection

SWT 100 Notes Note 29: Exhaustion

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

You ever been so tired your bones hurt?

You ever been so tired your eyes were heavy and your head nodded to the side?

You ever felt so tired that you could feel real tears forming in your eyes because all you wanted was to be able to sleep?

My worst fear in life is to feel this type of exhaustion again. To feel so much in a daze about reality that I wanted a break from being awake. I’ve become this exhausted more than one time, and I’m so afraid of feeling like this again. I’m afraid of the headaches, the irritation, the hunger, the dissociation, the lack of energy, and the anxiety that comes with it.

While my sleeping patterns will probably never get to where they need to be, I can always count on being able to sleep through the mornings while I gather myself to live through the next day.

College and food service jobs exhausted me so much I just want to be in bed. I want to recover and be able to sleep as much as I need to. I guess that’s why I’m afraid of getting another job.

I don’t want to feel this type of exhaustion again.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Quotes, Self-Care, Self-Talk

Living with Anxiety: My Life and my Struggles are Valid

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Living with anxiety is not always easy to explain. Some days “feel” okay, while others are filled with worry and nervousness. I try my best to be “positive” in the lowest sense of the term in my low days, and try to keep productive in my high days. One of the most difficult times when living with anxiety, however, is trying to explain it to others.

You understand that sometimes what makes you nervous or anxious shouldn’t make you so but it does. Or maybe it should be easy to calm yourself when you feel overwhelmed, but it’s not.

Realize that you are not crazy and what you have you are more than. You are brave, strong, and powerful even when you feel like you’re not. Your feelings are valid. Never let anyone take your power to validate your struggle away.

Some days are difficult, especially those days your pain spills out in panic, but remember that you have purpose.

See your purpose outside of your pain and trauma. See your purpose outside of your anxiety. Your life will always and forever have worth.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Notes, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Care

SWT 100 Notes Note 28: Making Decisions while Having High Functioning Anxiety

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Before I developed anxiety, I would push myself to my limit. My perfectionism didn’t allow me to do anything but my best, and because of that I never looked at myself or my health before making decisions. In my days after college living with anxiety, making decisions about everything has to be thought out with my health first changing my approach on life entirely.

I’ve been in the most uncomfortable situations because I have to explain to people that I can’t. I’ve never known myself to not do something because of my mental health, but the past 2 years have been both humiliating and embarrassing. I have to measure stress levels in environments, decide what’s best for me based on whether I would get overwhelmed or not and it’s not been easy what’s so ever.

I’ve learned, however, that because of my anxiety I’m the most important person in my life. If I want to heal, I have to put myself first no matter who judges me and thinks that I’m weak, overexagerating, or believes what I’m going through is not real. Although I’ve cried having this realization many times in the past year, I can say that I refuse to have another panic attack another day in my life. I will not backtrack my healing to make money or satisfy anyone’s inability to see the realness in my struggle.

I’m my first priority and I will find peace in my mental chaos. I will surround myself with things that are good and not allow anyone to tell me that I’m crazy.

I love myself and will continue with my healing in ways that I know best. The only person who can tell me how to heal me is me. I will heal by understanding and knowing myself.

My healing will progress by me having a voice about my well-being.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Late Night Talks With Nina, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, Videos

Late Night Talks with Nina: Explaining the Gradual Manifestation of my Anxiety

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

As I learn to explain what anxiety is to others, I have to first validate what it is in my head and love myself through it. Anxiety is something I go through everyday and by understanding where it came from, I can treat it and take steps in my healing process.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Notes, Self-Care

SWT 100 Notes: Note 23

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Things haven’t been good mentally. Sometimes I envy those who don’t struggle mentally, how peaceful and calming that must be? Some days are better than others, but today wasnt one of those days.
Currently in a troubled existance. In the need of good vibes. Been a battle to write or do anything constructive. January 2018 hasn’t been good to me. Going to keep moving anyway.

**Note from January 18th.

Posted in Mental Health, Notes, Potential and Worth

SWT 100 Notes: Note 20 

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks


Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back. 

When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living. 

Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living. 

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Videos, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

An Intro: Confessions of my Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here.  This is my attempt at talking about what I go through.  It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating.  It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it.  Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down.  Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through.  This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future.  The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me.  Hope you enjoy.

This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety.  This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real.  This is me facing my monsters.  This is me putting myself out in the open.  This is me healing.

Posted in Confessions, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 15

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters. 

It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break. 

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Notes, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 14

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.

This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.

This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.

This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.

The cash register.

The buttons.

The combinations.

The prices.

I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.

The questions. All the questions.

The people. All the people.

The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.