Things haven’t been good mentally. Sometimes I envy those who don’t struggle mentally, how peaceful and calming that must be? Some days are better than others, but today wasnt one of those days.
Currently in a troubled existance. In the need of good vibes. Been a battle to write or do anything constructive. January 2018 hasn’t been good to me. Going to keep moving anyway.
**Note from January 18th.
Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back.
When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living.
Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living.
This is a letter from the one that kills herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows.
The loser.
The second best.
The girl whos been rejected.
The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it.
The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect.
The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep.
The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast.
The one who raised her hand every class.
The one who was the weakest link.
The one who couldn’t go to graduate school.
The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be...the best.
The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.
Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.
And so my self-awareness journey is great as I notice recurring patterns, in my actions and behavior, for when I can feel myself falling back into unhealthy ways of coping. I know when things aren’t going so well and need to take a step back. That time has come. It’s time I motivate myself to stand up, breathe, and take a break. As I would usually go into hiding at this stage, I won’t. I will declare that I can do this. I can get past this. I can and I will. I won’t give up and I will take care of myself. Even though I can see all the peoples faces staring at my struggle, not understanding the fears and pain that I face, I will care for myself above all. I will see myself as valid and dismiss any negative energy pushing me away from being better. I can. I can do this.
Thank you for painting my litte monster. It makes me less fearful of my actual anxiety.
Waiting for the storm to pass so I can rest. Haven’t been myself lately.
A couple weeks ago I sat and waited for my shift to begin at Shake Shack when suddenly I realized the recurrence of my depressive symptoms I thought I left back in 2016. I wanted to be alone and isolated, I was tired, irritated, unhappy, I had an overwhelming feeling to cry, and I didn’t want to be around anyone. Everyone was excited around me but I wasn’t. I felt very miserable. Was it that I I hated my job? Maybe I knew I could do better or be better? Maybe I wanted to not feel tired? With all the maybe circling around in my head, I started over-analyzing myself (as I always do) and I came to the conclusion that I was going through (and have been going through since my senior year of college) an existential crisis.
Existentialism
Existentialism in philosophy, in its most basic definition, centers on the ways people see themselves in the worlds and in their own existence. My mental health, in times of uncertainty and doubt, becomes shaky when I realize that I’m not where I need to be, where I want to be, or how I want to feel.
In that split moment where I contemplated my current position in existence, grappling with old feeling of depression accompanied by my almost everyday encounter with anxiety, helped me realize how often I think about who I am and what I want from this life. What makes depression and anxiety two issues of mental health that focus on the issues of existentialism, is that one deals with the past (depression) and the other on the future (anxiety) (sometimes the concepts of past and future may blur).
Anxiety vs. Depression
When I’m having an episode with anxiety I often ask myself questions such as, what if I never become anything? Why am I not where I need to be? Am I ever going to feel better? What do I believe? (In terms of religion and ideology) What if I’m “doing life” wrong? Am I ever going to find love? What if I don’t find my purpose or use my talents? And in all of these questions, there’s an underlying theme of worriment and doubt. Everything seems to go back to understanding fulfillment and being something or someone.
When I’m having an episode with depression (like the one above) I ask questions such as, why am I here? Why do I feel worthless? Is this where I’m going to stay my entire life? Why am I not happy? Why am I constantly tired? Do I have a purpose? These questions concern how I feel in comparison to what I’m familiar with or have experienced.
Anxiety is a reaction to what will/can happen while depression dwells on my current state (feeling and well being) based on events that already happened.
While these questions are similar in nature, they bring up the issues of an existential crisis. These questions arouse inner issues in ways that affect how I see myself progressing or staying in the same place. I began seeing myself in one place being pulled and pressured by my past and future creating a chaotic space in my mind.
While I’m still in an uncomfortable state in my existential crisis, I’m realizing and understanding my mental state and that has helped as I’m working to become better not only in what I’m doing but in the person I’m becoming. I not only want to do better, but I also want to be better.
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