Category: Mental Health

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Notes, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Care

SWT 100 Notes Note 28: Making Decisions while Having High Functioning Anxiety

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Before I developed anxiety, I would push myself to my limit. My perfectionism didn’t allow me to do anything but my best, and because of that I never looked at myself or my health before making decisions. In my days after college living with anxiety, making decisions about everything has to be thought out with my health first changing my approach on life entirely.

I’ve been in the most uncomfortable situations because I have to explain to people that I can’t. I’ve never known myself to not do something because of my mental health, but the past 2 years have been both humiliating and embarrassing. I have to measure stress levels in environments, decide what’s best for me based on whether I would get overwhelmed or not and it’s not been easy what’s so ever.

I’ve learned, however, that because of my anxiety I’m the most important person in my life. If I want to heal, I have to put myself first no matter who judges me and thinks that I’m weak, overexagerating, or believes what I’m going through is not real. Although I’ve cried having this realization many times in the past year, I can say that I refuse to have another panic attack another day in my life. I will not backtrack my healing to make money or satisfy anyone’s inability to see the realness in my struggle.

I’m my first priority and I will find peace in my mental chaos. I will surround myself with things that are good and not allow anyone to tell me that I’m crazy.

I love myself and will continue with my healing in ways that I know best. The only person who can tell me how to heal me is me. I will heal by understanding and knowing myself.

My healing will progress by me having a voice about my well-being.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Self-Talk

BayArt Article: How Six Feet of Water Changed my Anxiety

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks
Floating changed my anxiety
Learning to Float Changed my Anxiety

Vacations with Tati

In the first week of May, I visited my closest friend Tati in Syracuse. When I’m with Tati we go on adventures and I have the opportunity to try new daring things I would otherwise pass up. This May I went jogging in six feet of water for the first time. I didn’t know what water jogging was or that it meant going to the deepest part of the pool until we arrived at the YMCA.

Excited to do something different, I tagged along thinking I would be in a pool that was at least four feet because all of my experience with pools consisted of small blow-up kiddie pools. I got this, right? Not at all. At least not at first.

When I walked down the pool steps into the chlorine filled abyss of horror, the water made my legs wobbly but my flotation belt (which helps with the water jogging) helped me stand straight. Instant fear struck and I became paralyzed. I never felt this type of fear before. Tati looked at me concerned because she didn’t know this was my first time in an adult pool. After learning how I afraid I was, she quickly grabbed a small kickboard to help me float. I watched as two young girls, unafraid, swam with confidence and joy. I wish I had the confidence of a child.
I felt terrified at first, but after a few moments of Tati explaining to me of my safety I floated to the edge of the pool and began to float along to the deep side. Five feet…then six feet. She explained to me that our bodies will always float but I have to take control of my movements. I used my strength to maneuver my body and muscles into more comfortable positions which meant focusing while I was floating. “When you panic your body tenses and you lose that control,” she said. Water jogging is harder then it looks. It helped to straighten my legs in order to trust that my control of myself will keep me afloat.
The more she talked to me the more I began to understand my fear and was able to control my body. I needed to trust the water and trust myself. I WILL ALWAYS FLOAT. As my lesson continued and with Tati’s voice to guide me, I finally got the right rhythm to water jog. My first time in an adult pool and I learned so much!

Water, Anxiety, and Control

How does this relate to my anxiety? An uncontrolled situation fuels my anxiety. My mind escalates situations even before I can decide in what ways I have control and what ways I don’t. The water became my uncontrolled variable. While in the water, I found myself panicking because the water resistance did not allow me to comfortably stand straight or control my immediate movements. In order to stay upright, I needed to focus.

I learned to stay calm and remember I will always float and control what I do. Fighting back the water resistance allowed me to use my abilities and strength to build focus and confidence. Control in water means I’m able to move my body, stay straight, move my arms in ways that helped my head stay above the water. I controlled myself even though there wasn’t immediate support around me. Just me and the water. The moment I felt overwhelmed my body would float in a plank position until I straightened myself and rid my mind of my own anxiety.

I have control because at that moment I realized I’m always in control one way or another. I will always float and I will be okay. Focusing allows my mind to become relaxed. As I trust my element, my situation, and circumstance I will be in control of confidence and calmness. Six feet of water taught me that calmness and focus is what keeps me floating above the water. I will not drown, I will learn to swim. My anxiety will not fool me into believing I do not have control of myself.

I will always float.

Find article on link below:

How Six Feet of Water Changed my Anxiety

Thank you to my best friend, Tatiana Williams, for challenging me and being patient with my healing journey and fear.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Self-Talk

BayArt Article: When My Depression Silences Me

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks
Author in the shadows
Silenced in the Shadow

The Cycle of Depressive Silence

It’s been some time since I’ve seen symptoms of my depression. Recently, however, I couldn’t help but notice the old cycles of those symptoms reoccurring and reappearing. I’m sleeping for longer hours, isolating myself, feeling a great sense of irritation and hopelessness and lastly losing my sense of communication.

Since I was young, maybe in my middle school to early high school days, I would go days without speaking to anyone. In those moments I would feel mentally and physically numb. Life would feel like a distant distraction. I didn’t know how to tell others I was struggling, so I stood silent. As I walked around like a lifeless zombie, I was unable to express myself in ways that I usually could. I was silent and unable to speak. Those moments of silence my brain convinced me that I was exaggerating and should suffer in silence. I locked myself up and silently cry.

In other moments, ones that are relatively recent to the past two months, I would even be around people that I love and still have a depressive episode while out in public. Those moments are filled with tears and a closed mouth, onlooking eyes, and judgmental stares of confusion. One thought, one memory, one sense of loneliness can lead to an explosive moment of overwhelming grief. And all I can think about is why. My logical mind is criticizing my reaction while my depression is flooding my mind with thoughts, ideas, and scenarios that are unreasonable and silly. I’m now unable to communicate so instead I push the ones around me away in embarrassment while I run away silenced by my own mental turmoil. What’s wrong with me?

Ending the Silence of Depression

While this phenomenon of silence is not new, I’m doing a better job at noticing the culmination of ideas and thoughts that might lead up to it. In hopes to overcome this reaction, I will communicate more with those that listen to my silent cries and hints. I will talk, ask for help, demand better for myself, and not allow myself to be silenced by my own depressive tendencies.

Depression has a sneaky way of convincing you that your life does not matter and in order to fight those moments of hopelessness, you must have a greater mental toughness to push past those thoughts. Some thoughts might be subtle and sudden, others might linger, but you must always convince yourself that you are a life worth living and listening to. Do not silence yourself in hopes to spare someone else’s irritation or lack of care. There are people who care for you and your well being. Find those people and know who they are.

While I continue to learn through my depression in hopes of overcoming it, I send out good vibes and hope to those who suffer in silence. Don’t silence yourself anymore. Your voice is essential and your life even more so. Fight for your right to be heard through your struggle. Fight for your life because you belong here

Find article in link below:

When My Depression Silences Me

Posted in Declarations, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Self-Care

#Writeitdown Declarations to live by and Internalize: Health

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

I will be healthy. To be healthy is to say no to things that negatively effect your mental, physical, or emotional well being. Declare that you will be healthy from now on. If something isn’t good for you, don’t allow it to progress itself and disturb your internal peace.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Notes, Self-Care

SWT 100 Notes: Note 23

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Things haven’t been good mentally. Sometimes I envy those who don’t struggle mentally, how peaceful and calming that must be? Some days are better than others, but today wasnt one of those days.
Currently in a troubled existance. In the need of good vibes. Been a battle to write or do anything constructive. January 2018 hasn’t been good to me. Going to keep moving anyway.

**Note from January 18th.

Posted in Mental Health, Notes, Potential and Worth

SWT 100 Notes: Note 20 

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks


Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back. 

When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living. 

Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living. 

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Mental Health, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 19

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This is a letter from the one that kills herself trying to be the best because shes always been in the shadows.

The loser.

The second best.

The girl whos been rejected.

The girl who developed anxiety because she overcompensates and overdoes it.

The one who was so tedious in her actions that she gets nervous when shes not perfect.

The one who got up extra early to be on time but all she gained from that was loss of sleep.

The one who stood up all night studying and skipped breakfast.

The one who raised her hand every class.

The one who was the weakest link.

The one who couldn’t go to graduate school.

The one whos mental illnesses crippled her to mental paralysis. Dark. In a daze. She just wanted to be...the best.

The best is an illusion. The best is fake. The best is a lie. No one is the best. Everyone has talents. Everyone is really good at some things, and not so good in others. You have something about you thats great. That doesn’t make you better, or the best, it makes you who you are.

Get rid of the notion that you need to be the best. The best is a disease. Take your time. Go slow. Find yourself. You’ll then realize the best is already in you.

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Mental Health, Potential and Worth, Power, Self-Talk

SWT 100 Notes: Note 16

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

And so my self-awareness journey is great as I notice recurring patterns, in my actions and behavior, for when I can feel myself falling back into unhealthy ways of coping. I know when things aren’t going so well and  need to take a step back. That time has come. It’s time I motivate myself to stand up, breathe, and take a break. As I would usually go into hiding at this stage, I won’t. I will declare that I can do this. I can get past this. I can and I will. I won’t give up and I will take care of myself. Even though I can see all the peoples faces staring at my struggle, not understanding the fears and pain that I face, I will care for myself above all. I will see myself as valid and dismiss any negative energy pushing me away from being better. I can. I can do this.