February has been a month of inner confidence and perseverance despite self-discouragement, but also a month of continued change and progress. Perseverance is the one thing that will show your strength in troubled situations and continuous turmoil. The more you push through and work even when you’re tired and dreary, the more you convince yourself that what you’re doing is worth it, then you will always persevere through it. Your power is limitless once you continue overcoming everything that’s placed in your way. Normality might get in your way, negativity might get in your way, self-doubt, self-hate, lack of finances, lack of motivation all might get in your way, but overcoming those obstacles will build someone not phased by downfalls, but someone who stands and faces any challenge.
These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize. This is depth therapy:
Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes. A portal of perspective. Hear me out.
This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…
Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…
the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…
I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…
I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people
The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…
Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home
But this ends today
The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence. You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.
You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.
Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.
You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.
If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter. There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.
Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.
You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.
Sometimes she liked the sound glass made when it hit the ground
There’s something about shattered glass that made her crazy seem less chaotic
Her crazy made darkness into indigo and blood blossom into dripping roses
Her crazy dead in the silence of the morning moisture, laying wide eyes under the red white and orange horizon, flat on her back a new cycle of 24, her crazy
Her crazy stiff like paralysis untouchable, unlike the craziness around her,
unique
numbness
How crazy was she that she dreamt and the ideas in her head jumbled into a mush of oblivion beauty, how the meadows were such a fresh green scent, a bed of flowers rushing out of her veins and out of into the concrete, making cities back into forests
The nature in the natural
Crazy
How she saw death caress the goosebumps of the morning fears but life coming to rescue and recreating, the crazy came again, and lately confusion is normality
The thing about crazy is its many masks of reality, like Plato in the cave, our ignorance so bliss we can cut it with a knife, staring at our own illusions and unable to see
The light
The gray in the black and white
She was crazy
She didn’t believe anymore, the ink in the lies, feeding her the spoon of perceived truth, but was it really truth?
She spat out depression and threw up anxiety because deception caused the stigma that she was crazy
Mental illness was what they said caused her hesitancy because her ignorance before walked her down the aisle of matrimony, but reality divorced her, nothing is definite and she can’t trust
Now she is just crazy
The color in the black and white
The unanswerable questions
The abyss of uncertainty
Sometimes she liked the sound glass made when it hit the ground
There’s something about shattered glass that made her crazy seem less chaotic
Be in control at all times. Don’t allow anyone or anything control how you see or deal with a situation or circumstance. You know how to deal with struggle so allow your experiences to guide your moves and your mindset Despite it getting difficult and tiring, relax and think everything through. Control yourself! Don’t allow situations to bring out anger, bitterness, or resentment. Walk away if you have to. You are in control.
5 Steps to winning the war against invasive thoughts.
Invade
Wage War
Win
Leave a Warning to Others
Walk Away
You have all the power and ability to change your mind and shift the negative energy and make it go away for good. Don’t give the invasive thoughts the power to take over your mind and make you feel insane. You are in charge of your sanity and negativity can not take your own autonomy and self-control. Switch it up right when you feel it creeping up. Don’t allow your mind to turn on itself. You are in control. You will always be in charge. Time to take back your mind. Declare the war. You will win.
Don’t unpack your bags in a place that will harm your progress and make you feel like you don’t deserve better. Settling in dangerous territory will only open your wombs and create chaos in your mind. Better is always and will always be an option. Staying in toxic places and situations is a step backwards. Move forward in your already achieved progress. Don’t put your things down until you know its for your betterment.
I couldn’t gather them as I trudged and dragged my exhaustion to class that day
Last October
I carried what I could of last night’s sleep, maybe 3 hours, and the anxiety, a monster growing in the pit of my stomach drowning me till the world seemed like a blurry smudge painting
My last year of college came to me like a ton of bricks delivered to my front doorstep
My life turned into a war since I started to worry
Every
Single
Moment
Of
Every
Single
Day
My perfectionist tendencies paired with the thoughts of deadlines…no motivation…and a fear of tomorrow. It made a nice soup ready for panic, don’t you think?
I stirred myself daily but still seemed to make it to every class, do every assignment, and manage a research project
That’s how I was last year
I sat in a office with a woman I told myself to maybe once a week hoping that my fear of living will transform into something else
That’s how I was last year
When I reminisce and think back, I feel how I felt, that numb yet nervous feeling
I can still feel it there, lingering
Last year, I didn’t want to wake up to the sun rising and I didn’t triumph for completing 3 years of college
Instead…
I dreaded the thought of every day coming, long days turning into long nights, a hungry stomach, and the quarantine I built around my sanity
That was last year
I don’t know how I seemed to make it a whole year later though
In the midst of the strains and labor pains of reality, I managed to give birth to a project
This project spiraled in me October of 2015 until it was born
I named her SparklyWarTanks
I made her to fight back
To win the war
To let my sanity free
Every time I wrote something I saved myself and I took another ingredient out of the soup
I typed, pounded my fingers on my keyboard, to explain the motive for the birth of something new in me
I wanted to save another woman’s life while saving my own too
I wanted to burst out and say:
“Take care of yourself, take care of your mind, and your body!”
“You are important and you matter.”
“You are powerful and worthy, and beautiful. You don’t need anyone to tell you.”
Of course those were messages I needed someone to tell me, but instead I became the billboard
The more I wrote, the more I felt the walls crumbling, the walls crowding and containing my sanity were falling
I found the key to the cage of my anxiety which surrounded my quarantined sanity
In october of 2016, grown into an adult, SparklyWarTanks evolved into a vision, into a foundation for women empowerment and mental health, one project exploded into a space, a place, a sanctuary to be safe
My anxiety transformed its face into the partner of ideas and the employer of a plan, it turned into passion.
So as I write, I write to the woman who hates herself and to the one with depression, I write to the woman with the eating disorder and to the ones living on the streets, I’m writing to the ones going through a midlife crisis and self-realization, I write to the mother and to the survivor, I write to the women who hurt and the ones who are stressed, I write to the powerful women and the ones making a difference, I write to the lawyers, and doctors, and writers, and motivators, and to our future
I write to support our next generation of women
That we stand up for ourselves and never hold our sanity hostage
That we declare our independence from expectation and perfectionism
That we defend ourselves and fight for our will to wake up peacefully and unafraid
If I could sum up how I’ve changed from last year to this year, I would simply say
This year is not a year of new things, its a year of continuation. We keep telling ourselves that we will start something and we never do. We tell ourselves things will be different but yet we stay the same. Why is that? Instead of feeding ourselves false dreams and goals, a new illusion, we should instead tell ourselves we must let go what holds us back and keep doing what keeps us going. We must do more of our passions and work on taking away our miseries. Our goals should build based on what we already accomplished and not add to the list of unaccomplished empty nothingness. This year is a year we work with ourselves. We love ourselves. We care for ourselves. Do things that we have to do.
This is the year we put ourselves first before anyone else because we are important too. This year will start a series of connections and links that will build to a point where we can’t be put down over the same tired circumstances and situations.
This year is a year of continuous building and tearing. We’ve been through a transition, now we work with the change.
SparklyWarTanks 