Things haven’t been good mentally. Sometimes I envy those who don’t struggle mentally, how peaceful and calming that must be? Some days are better than others, but today wasnt one of those days.
Currently in a troubled existance. In the need of good vibes. Been a battle to write or do anything constructive. January 2018 hasn’t been good to me. Going to keep moving anyway.
**Note from January 18th.
Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back.
When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living.
Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living.
This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here. This is my attempt at talking about what I go through. It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating. It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it. Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down. Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through. This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future. The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me. Hope you enjoy.
This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety. This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real. This is me facing my monsters. This is me putting myself out in the open. This is me healing.
And so my self-awareness journey is great as I notice recurring patterns, in my actions and behavior, for when I can feel myself falling back into unhealthy ways of coping. I know when things aren’t going so well and need to take a step back. That time has come. It’s time I motivate myself to stand up, breathe, and take a break. As I would usually go into hiding at this stage, I won’t. I will declare that I can do this. I can get past this. I can and I will. I won’t give up and I will take care of myself. Even though I can see all the peoples faces staring at my struggle, not understanding the fears and pain that I face, I will care for myself above all. I will see myself as valid and dismiss any negative energy pushing me away from being better. I can. I can do this.
It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters.
It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break.
This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.
This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.
This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.
This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.
The cash register.
The buttons.
The combinations.
The prices.
I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.
The questions. All the questions.
The people. All the people.
The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.
Waiting for the storm to pass so I can rest. Haven’t been myself lately.
A couple weeks ago I sat and waited for my shift to begin at Shake Shack when suddenly I realized the recurrence of my depressive symptoms I thought I left back in 2016. I wanted to be alone and isolated, I was tired, irritated, unhappy, I had an overwhelming feeling to cry, and I didn’t want to be around anyone. Everyone was excited around me but I wasn’t. I felt very miserable. Was it that I I hated my job? Maybe I knew I could do better or be better? Maybe I wanted to not feel tired? With all the maybe circling around in my head, I started over-analyzing myself (as I always do) and I came to the conclusion that I was going through (and have been going through since my senior year of college) an existential crisis.
Existentialism
Existentialism in philosophy, in its most basic definition, centers on the ways people see themselves in the worlds and in their own existence. My mental health, in times of uncertainty and doubt, becomes shaky when I realize that I’m not where I need to be, where I want to be, or how I want to feel.
In that split moment where I contemplated my current position in existence, grappling with old feeling of depression accompanied by my almost everyday encounter with anxiety, helped me realize how often I think about who I am and what I want from this life. What makes depression and anxiety two issues of mental health that focus on the issues of existentialism, is that one deals with the past (depression) and the other on the future (anxiety) (sometimes the concepts of past and future may blur).
Anxiety vs. Depression
When I’m having an episode with anxiety I often ask myself questions such as, what if I never become anything? Why am I not where I need to be? Am I ever going to feel better? What do I believe? (In terms of religion and ideology) What if I’m “doing life” wrong? Am I ever going to find love? What if I don’t find my purpose or use my talents? And in all of these questions, there’s an underlying theme of worriment and doubt. Everything seems to go back to understanding fulfillment and being something or someone.
When I’m having an episode with depression (like the one above) I ask questions such as, why am I here? Why do I feel worthless? Is this where I’m going to stay my entire life? Why am I not happy? Why am I constantly tired? Do I have a purpose? These questions concern how I feel in comparison to what I’m familiar with or have experienced.
Anxiety is a reaction to what will/can happen while depression dwells on my current state (feeling and well being) based on events that already happened.
While these questions are similar in nature, they bring up the issues of an existential crisis. These questions arouse inner issues in ways that affect how I see myself progressing or staying in the same place. I began seeing myself in one place being pulled and pressured by my past and future creating a chaotic space in my mind.
While I’m still in an uncomfortable state in my existential crisis, I’m realizing and understanding my mental state and that has helped as I’m working to become better not only in what I’m doing but in the person I’m becoming. I not only want to do better, but I also want to be better.
Find the article below:
Note 9: While I’m waiting for my mighty story to get published on my explanation of what anxiety has been like for me, I’ll simply write this note on the importance and awareness of those who struggle mentally.
It isn’t fun to have any mental illness, but for me specifically anxiety has been at its worse. Overthinking, believing the negative thoughts, driving myself insane, its not intentional or a joke. At times its just dormant like its gone and as soon as a trigger comes, it awakens like a beast in its sleep. But, I would have to say that nothing is impossible and having new experiences coming my way has challenged me to learn to react to triggers. That in itself has helped and progressed me in my mental health healing.
As I continuously see mental health awareness come more and more out in the open, I would like to encourage those who struggle with their mental health to get help if you need to. Talk to someone. The person doesn’t even have to be a professional. Talk to someone who loves you. I’m always here to talk too! Don’t drown in the darkness of your mind.
SparklyWarTanks 