You are everything that is great and growing. Don’t underestimate your growth and progress. You are in the right rhythm of your own experiences and what you need to grow through.
Stop worrying and doubting your own life.
I’m beautiful because even though I might not believe I can at first I still try, even though I struggle to see that I’m beautiful I encourage others to believe they are, and even though I sometimes don’t think I’m good enough I push through anyway.
I love me because I’m persistent, I continue, and I’m learning. I love me because although things have been difficult, I still have a vision and I still want to pursue it.
It wasn’t until a year after I did this project, a project where I walked around and asked various women why they loved themselves and found themselves beautiful, that I realized I do love myself and find myself beautiful. Before, I didn’t know why I thought I was beautiful or if I had any reason to love myself. I was only concerned about the women I asked. I wanted them to realize for that split second, the few minutes that we shared, to think, and to write down why they were beautiful. I was focused on them and not on me. I didn’t think I mattered. How I thought about myself didn’t matter. I don’t think I found myself beautiful at all previous this realization.
This poster is what I looked at every day in my room at school for the last semester of my senior year. It motivated me to figure out why I would love myself or find myself beautiful. However, I found it difficult to pinpoint the reasons.
After I graduated I brought the poster home and placed in on my sister’s side of our room, parallel to my bed where I could face it and see it every day.
Fast forward to last weekend where I found the Dr.Pepper Tuition Giveaway Competiton. Unlike me, I joined the competition and the first step was to write a goal I have to save the world and explain it. Of course, it took me some time to think about exactly what I wanted to say, but here is what I said:
It took a day after when I was trying to accumulate votes to be able to upload a video, that I realized then that I wanted to expand SparklyWarTanks into an actual thing. Dr. Pepper helped me to see why I’m beautiful. It helped me to realized what I wanted to do with my life. How I want to impact the lives of others and why this is so important to me. I want to change how women see themselves and communicate their perspective and understanding to others through their culture, ideologies, and values.
I don’t want other women to feel like me. Where the first 21 years of my life I didn’t love myself or find myself beautiful. I don’t want women to look and confide in outside things to make them happy. I don’t want women to drown in their own societal expectations and obligations and not be able to give one reason why they are amazing, worthy, and able. I saw SparklyWarTanks bigger.
Now this is my vision to make this, what I’m doing, bigger. I want to help.
I never felt like this before, ready to save the world. I hope I can make this something, something huge, something that can really influence the spread of self-love.
It’s one of those nights where my brains ability to reminisce creates uncomfortable memory recovery. Where I do not understand why some people have come and gone in seconds, some in months, and some in years. I learned that not everyone is meant to stay in your life, they’re just meant to teach you lessons, but it also occurred to me that some people are just meant to break your heart. I’m not only talking about the casual break up with a significant partner, but also family and friends. Some people enter your life to break you down—some short term and others long term. In other instances they will just leave while others will linger then leave eventually. Some will even care then stop caring.
This realization has made me, yet again, afraid to create new bonds and friendships but hopeful of the possibility to create and learn from new experiences at the same time. Life has a way of masking hurt and pain by revealing those wounds into experiences that you would not have witnessed otherwise. I’ve had a fair share, I would say, of rejections and disappointments of people who said they cared but didn’t and a whole lot of self hatred because of it, but I learned (even though those incidents still haunt me in the deep hours of the night) how to appreciate myself and my own company.
Don’t let the illusion of brokenness from people who’s purpose in your life was to break your heart keep you from becoming yourself.
Try to let go of past relationships that didn’t work out. It will take time and probably a lot of tears, but someone else is waiting and they will come with purpose to build you up, stay, push you, and help you get to your power and worth.
Don’t allow past actions of other people to keep you from becoming, teaching, and building those you encounter. You are not alone.
Be great and be yourself. That’s all that is necessary.
I pose a toast to everything that has killed me inside and out, that I never let it take over or make my insanity show. I won’t break down and let my wombs seep out with desperation. I won’t crash and burn at the sight of my biggest fear showing it’s face at the doors of my desires and dreams. I will constantly fight until I’m able to do everything and anything it takes to get me where I need to be.
Thank you to the struggle, without you I promise I wouldn’t know what breakthrough feels like. The breakthrough that has shown me that I’m strong enough and well enough to do whatever I was afraid to do. Thank you to those long nights where I couldn’t sleep, or those mornings I felt would never come. Thank you to pain I felt with every rejection and betrayal. Thank you to those moments I felt of freedom, joy, and peace. Thank you to silent moments of war and every victory. Thank you to sleep and relaxation. Thank you to support and love. Thank you for self-realization and self-acceptance. Thank you for words that become actions and lessons.
Thank you to the struggle, without you I promise I wouldn’t know what breakthrough feels like.
It bothers me that people actually think that they shouldn’t expect happiness and kindness once they’ve done something great. It bothers me that people don’t expect for others to care and love them back. Whats the point of loving if your not going to receive love back? It’s not about materiel expectation but having a will to give back and keep being great. Sometimes it gets discouraging to always be the one to step up and be the bigger person. Sometimes you just want to see someone else care as much as you do. You want to see someone else extend a hand when you need them too. You should be able to expect love to come back when all you’ve been doing is putting it out. It’s not fair that this world has taught us that we shouldn’t expect goodness to come out of goodness. We shouldn’t stop expecting, we should be dissapointed in people saying we should stop expecting.
I challenge you to think about who you are this week. Think about what you like to do, who you like to be around, and what you find interesting. Think about your favorite color and animal. Think about what you love about yourself and write it down or type it somewhere. Write what makes you different and unique. Write down what you hate and what you look forward to. Write about your break ups and what you learned. Write about significant events and how they shaped who you are. I challenge you to write through your beauty. Find and own your beauty.
Share and comment below some things you’ve written or thought about! Beauty week is about understanding who you are and want to be.
I see you standing there. I remember when you started. I remember the moment when you showed your face in the mist of a random moment. I couldn’t take the tasks and the fears, and the rules, and the obsessions, and the self induced heart breaks, and the frequent rejections. I injected you into me. Like a drug I didn’t take. It was a present moment where I felt the symptoms. I fell sick from the exhaustion of perfect perceptions of normality and nature. I wasn’t this and I wasn’t that. I wasn’t good enough for this, and that, and him, and her, and that thing that dictates success and a better life.
I remember you when I was a little girl. Your face was new. No one liked me and I didn’t want to go to school. I’d rather stay at home where the noise was less loud, and I had my barbie dolls to keep me company and cleaning to sooth me with my head in the clouds. I remember having dreams where I was someone else and everything I knew was the dream and I would wake up and everything was different, but every morning reality hit me. Nothing was different nothing changed.
But what was different from then and now is that I repressed you and thought you had gone away. The fear in religion took over and I was scared of that too. Heaven and hell, but you came back and here’s how.
I remember you were there when I hated myself and I didn’t talk for three days. You were there when I met depression too and it wanted to stay. I remember you when I couldn’t sit in that meeting because all they promised was stress and pain. I remember you when I thought my dog would be real sick and not be able to come home to tame you in my brain.
I remember you when I thought they’d be disappointed in me because I was a failure and I was the weakest link. I remember you when they called me ugly and low self esteem was around and annoyed me like a leaky sink. I remember you when I went to the counseling psych centers, you were there sitting with me. I remember you sitting in two places, outside and inside, it was fall semester my senior year and that test, the GRE, made you show your true intentions.
I felt the nausea in my stomach every moment of every day. My head to the ground because I couldn’t look my fear in the face. I feel the headaches coming on and the craving for sleep, but constantly staying awake because I had so much to do but my motivation was down to my feet. You boiled over and I was afraid to live. Every day was a struggle, but I survived it.
I know what makes you spark and what makes you sleep now, and it’s kinda crazy. Only one year since you’ve been full blown ruining my life, but I’m not going to let you take me. Some days are harder than others, and sometimes I don’t want to wake up, I get scared of the sun coming up because that means I have to push myself to do something.
Let me tell you something, and I laugh at this now, but I understand where you came from and you’re unacceptable and something I won’t allow. Running through the history of how you came to be, my self-realization and power is greater than you’ll ever be. With my beliefs and my strengths, my spirit, my drive, and my motivation you won’t get fed anymore because what’s inside of me is pure love and it’s hungry.
So I thought I’d write you this letter to show myself that I conquered you for good and that you are something of my past I can talk about freely and unafraid as I should.
Your Past Prisoner