“The new year can be a great time to improve yourself, but it’s not the only time. Don’t forget all the progress you’ve already made. Add on to that progress. Build yourself up. Make your goals, resolutions, next steps, and aspirations a priority.”
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As time progresses and I’m learning to live better, taking care of my mental health and growing in my self-acceptance, I declare, confirm, and affirm that I will not allow anything to set me back. Although it’s been rough and I’ve been tired, I will continuously push myself to my potential. I’m able to be the advocate, writer, leader, influencer, and speaker I want to be.
Don’t allow anything or anyone to steal your motivation or stunt your ambitions to make the difference you know you can make. Push yourself to be better, to know better, and show others what progress looks like. Be the light for someone else.
Let’s do this!
Task yourself with bravery today. Do something different, something that moves you from your comfort place into a place of change. Show yourself that change is possible and you’re worthy of peace from the change.
Move some things around. Organize. Plan. Take one risk. Know yourself enough to know what you can do and what you can’t. Become more of who you see yourself as.
Cut the procrastination. Do what you have to do, now.
Be brave with me.
You ever been so tired your bones hurt?
You ever been so tired your eyes were heavy and your head nodded to the side?
You ever felt so tired that you could feel real tears forming in your eyes because all you wanted was to be able to sleep?
My worst fear in life is to feel this type of exhaustion again. To feel so much in a daze about reality that I wanted a break from being awake. I’ve become this exhausted more than one time, and I’m so afraid of feeling like this again. I’m afraid of the headaches, the irritation, the hunger, the dissociation, the lack of energy, and the anxiety that comes with it.
While my sleeping patterns will probably never get to where they need to be, I can always count on being able to sleep through the mornings while I gather myself to live through the next day.
College and food service jobs exhausted me so much I just want to be in bed. I want to recover and be able to sleep as much as I need to. I guess that’s why I’m afraid of getting another job.
I don’t want to feel this type of exhaustion again.
Before I developed anxiety, I would push myself to my limit. My perfectionism didn’t allow me to do anything but my best, and because of that I never looked at myself or my health before making decisions. In my days after college living with anxiety, making decisions about everything has to be thought out with my health first changing my approach on life entirely.
I’ve been in the most uncomfortable situations because I have to explain to people that I can’t. I’ve never known myself to not do something because of my mental health, but the past 2 years have been both humiliating and embarrassing. I have to measure stress levels in environmens, decide what’s best for me based on whether I would get overwhelmed or not and it’s not been easy what’s so ever.
I’ve learned, however, that because of my anxiety I’m the most important person in my life. If I want to heal, I have to put myself first no matter who judges me and thinks that I’m weak, overexagerating, or believes what I’m going through is not real. Although I’ve cried having this realization many times in the past year, I can say that I refuse to have another panic attack another day in my life. I will not backtrack my healing to make money or satisfy anyone’s inability to see the realness in my struggle.
I’m my first priority and I will find peace in my mental chaos. I will surround myself with things that are good and not allow anyone to tell me that I’m crazy.
I love myself and will continue with my healing in ways that I know best. The only person who can tell me how to heal me is me. I will heal by understanding and knowing myself.
My healing will progress by me having a voice about my well-being.
Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. How is it that I can love deeply like this? I think of the ways that can make someone else smile. I spend hours looking for something or thinking up ideas on ways I can express my love. Why? Is it that serious? But then I feel bad because sometimes I don’t get the magnitude of love back that I’m giving so I break down. I feel betrayed. Why do I love like this? Even when I can’t afford to love like I do, I’ll go broke drowning in my giving.
I wish I can give the world when I can’t. I’m working too hard to get the love I’m letting out. I don’t want to look crazy for being creative with my love so I feel like I’m retreating to a dark place in my self-esteem. I’m afraid of being hurt and embarrassed for doing too much.
I just want love too.
Things haven’t been good mentally. Sometimes I envy those who don’t struggle mentally, how peaceful and calming that must be? Some days are better than others, but today wasnt one of those days.
Currently in a troubled existance. In the need of good vibes. Been a battle to write or do anything constructive. January 2018 hasn’t been good to me. Going to keep moving anyway.
**Note from January 18th.
Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back.
When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living.
Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living.
Note 18: I’ve realized that being tired is a part of being an adult especially when you’re trying to create yourself. Even when you’re really tired, however, you can always create something. You can create something big or something small. Let your creativity flow even when you’re exhausted.
And so my self-awareness journey is great as I notice recurring patterns, in my actions and behavior, for when I can feel myself falling back into unhealthy ways of coping. I know when things aren’t going so well and need to take a step back. That time has come. It’s time I motivate myself to stand up, breathe, and take a break. As I would usually go into hiding at this stage, I won’t. I will declare that I can do this. I can get past this. I can and I will. I won’t give up and I will take care of myself. Even though I can see all the peoples faces staring at my struggle, not understanding the fears and pain that I face, I will care for myself above all. I will see myself as valid and dismiss any negative energy pushing me away from being better. I can. I can do this.