Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Notes, Self-Talk

SWT 100 Notes Note 27: Love in a Danger Zone

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. How is it that I can love deeply like this? I think of the ways that can make someone else smile. I spend hours looking for something or thinking up ideas on ways I can express my love. Why? Is it that serious? But then I feel bad because sometimes I don’t get the magnitude of love back that I’m giving so I break down. I feel betrayed. Why do I love like this? Even when I can’t afford to love like I do, I’ll go broke drowning in my giving.

I wish I can give the world when I can’t. I’m working too hard to get the love I’m letting out. I don’t want to look crazy for being creative with my love so I feel like I’m retreating to a dark place in my self-esteem. I’m afraid of being hurt and embarrassed for doing too much.

I just want love too.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Self-Care, Self-Talk

BayArt Article: Tough Love Doesn’t Work for a Perfectionist

Perfectionism: Being Tough on Myself

Since I was a little girl I’ve been a perfectionist. The way I colored in the lines or how my homework had to be neat all the time, showed how hard I was on myself to be my best and do my best. I was tough on myself at a young age. My grades had to be perfect. I was my worst critic and worse enemy. These moments created the negative self-talk habits that eventually evolved into anxiety (but that’s my other story).

Everyone who knew me was always so surprised at how hard I worked or how much effort I put into things even if that much work wasn’t necessary. I always pushed myself to the limit and challenged myself to be the best I can. This mindset wasn’t always healthy or helpful for me. That five page paper that was supposed to be two pages or those four page notes that was supposed to be one or two was how much more time I put into things I didn’t need to, but let me get to the point. How hard I worked and how much energy I put into the most basic things created in me a monster of perfectionist tendencies that didn’t allow for me to be compassionate to myself.

Tough Love and Anger

As I got older I began meeting people (i.e teachers and religious leaders) who believed in using tough love to get across to others. Their lack of soft compassion made me even more hard on myself and more angry that I should be better and doing better. This made me hate them for not seeing how much work I put into things that I did. Phrases like “what happened?”,”You should have done better”, “this is not like you”, you’ll be okay”,”toughen up and do better” and “get better because people are watching you” became extremely toxic to the already monster of perfectionism that drove me crazy daily. I became angry and frustrated. People who used tough love around me made me avoid them, prohibiting me in learning self- love and compassion. I was always on myself and didn’t know how to slow down and rest. When I was struggling, I didn’t know how to tell others. I would convince myself that I’m always supposed to be okay and ready all the time.

While I did have supportive people in my life, those who used tough love weren’t as effective even if they had good intentions. I appreciate how much I learned about myself, however, though the bumpy roads of my childhood and teen years though those people who showed me tough love.

Moral of the Story: Takeaways

Be kind to yourself and others and also show your children that it’s OK to fail. Learning and growing with your failures is important in self-development. I wasn’t accepting of failure and that made me into the perfectionist monster I was. Because I wasn’t compassionate to myself, the lack of compassion from others made me angry and frustrated. I didn’t learn how to slow down till later in life. I didn’t learn the word no till I was 22.
Self-care and compassion is important. Be compassionate to yourself. Learn self-worth and slow down when you feel yourself working too much. Being the best isn’t necessary as long as you put in how much effort you can. Put in a healthy amount of effort into task. Your worth and your energy is based on you. Know your worth and put a healthy amount of energy into your daily activities. Be kind to yourself and learn to say to yourself “I did a good job. Now I can rest.”

Also, not everyone reacts positively to tough love so remember to always add compassion and love in your interactions. Some people have daily battles mentally and may take offense to phrases that aren’t helpful in showing them how, what, or when to do better. Be encouraging.

Find article in link below:

Realization: Tough Love Doesn’t Work for a Perfectionist

Posted in Bulletins, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love, Potential and Worth, Self-Care

Bulletin Board July 2017: Love

                              Love

Love is complex and love is diverse.  Love is individual and love is multifaceted.  One must love oneself and love another. Love does not need reasons to exist.  Love is accepting, it is patient, and it is unconditional.

Love is not like other emotions. Love is active. Love is a process and love progresses. Love takes time. Once love is reached, however, it must be maintained with sacrifices and compromises because, if you haven’t noticed, we are trying to love people of different lives, cultures, lifestyles, pet peeves, and experiences (when building relationships). We are trying to build love and acceptance. Love cannot just be left alone or forgotten. Once love is built than taking it down causes major psychological issues. Love goes all in. But love also gets tired. Love must be mutual.

Love for oneself is as important as loving someone else. You are the most important part of your life. Loving yourself is extremely essential to your growth, prosperity, and progress. Knowing that without you there is no life to live is what makes love so pivotal. Its not selfish to put your own well being first, its necessary.

Continue in love. Progress in love. Understand in love. Love is needed. Continue to love.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love

Excerpt From my “Blood Honesty” Portion of SWT Writing Therapy

 

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So I’m in the process of adding a new portion of SWT writing called “Blood Honesty.” This will be a collection of therapy writing, creative writing pieces and reflections that helps me recall memories that has come up over and over. I relate how these memories have boiled into hurt and how I operate with people. This writing will be in my next book project “Writing to Heal: Power of Written Word.”

This is an excerpt from a Blood Honesty post that I wrote on November 27th:

The concept of love is so underrated, mixed and confused with all emotions felt by people. But love, real love, unconditional love felt by someone that doesn’t have to love you is deep, its true, and its the most genuine of human emotion and character.  When real love happens, when you see it unravel in the ways that it works wholeheartedly is profound, complicated, confusing, and impossibly possible (now you know why people cling to the trope and figure of Jesus Christ). It’s this idea that makes people want to live longer.  It’s this concept of love despite the fear of disappointment and inevitable death that keeps and makes peace and inclusivity possible.  The absence of love causes mental health issues and division, just like the absence of light is darkness and loneliness.  Conditional love (masked emotional confusions and uncertainty ), the love that is so commonly mistaken for unconditional love (genuine love) is what we don’t know how to feel or what to do when we feel it (unless its from a parent or guardian to a child which can still have complication).  How crazy it sounds that this can be felt by us, by people, especially people who are different, is what we need (and what is taught in every central religion essentially) that people don’t understand and cant contemplate. We need this love toward each other, everyone, not just people who are like us or share similar ideological, political, or religious views.  We need love despite what separates us and what makes us distant from one another. We need love.  Unconditional love.