Category: Confessions

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Videos, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

An Intro: Confessions of my Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This video was a requirement for a job opportunity I didn’t get, so I will be sharing it here.  This is my attempt at talking about what I go through.  It’s a bit vague and short, but liberating.  It’s easier for me to write about what I go through than talk about it.  Sometimes I can’t find the words to speak, but I can write them down.  Sometimes I can create a quote or a poem, but I can’t blatantly talk about the struggles I go through.  This is the first of many videos I hope to make in the future.  The video quality isn’t great and it’s a bit choppy, but this is new for me.  Hope you enjoy.

This is me being open and honest about my depression and anxiety.  This is me not pushing my struggles under the rug or declaring what I have isn’t real.  This is me facing my monsters.  This is me putting myself out in the open.  This is me healing.

Posted in Confessions, Notes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 15

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters. 

It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break. 

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Notes, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

SWT 100 Notes: Note 14

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.

This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.

This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.

This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.

The cash register.

The buttons.

The combinations.

The prices.

I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.

The questions. All the questions.

The people. All the people.

The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, The Mighty, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

SparklyWarTanks on The Mighty: Why my Dog is my Weapon Against my Anxiety and Depression

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

 

Read the second story I wrote on The Mighty called Why my Dog is my Weapon Against my Anxiety and Depression. I dedicated the story to my dog Baby who has helped me tremendously through the rough times I had with my anxiety and depression following graduation last year in 2016.  She has lifted me up, along with my other dogs, and has given me a reason to smile, try my best to stay positive, and wake up every morning grateful.

Feel free to always visit me on The Mighty! 

 

Posted in Confessions, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration

Not a Failure, You are not a Failure 

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Its been a long night, a night filled with silent and quiet panic attacks, ones that have been revealing and direct.  And as I lay in my bed, glancing at Jane the Virgin, but mostly visualizing my future in my head, I finally targeted the core trigger of the anxiety that’s been crippling my sleep. The trigger is fear of failure. Deep, paralyzing, you are nobody, and no one will ever notice you failure.  Seeing so many glory stories and positive things happening to people around me…nothing is happening for me. This has been what makes me nervous, nauseous and scared. 

But maybe it really is all in my head and I just keep falling back on my perfectionist mindset that I should be someone by now that is feeding this trigger?

I’m not a failure…I’m not a failure…

Posted in Confessions, The Mighty, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

SparklyWarTanks on The Mighty: When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

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It’s been three months since I wrote “When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game” and three months has changed me drastically since I decided to publish it on The Mighty. I was ashamed and embarrassed for a long time about this reality and often denied the possibility of mental struggle being real for me. Being vulnerable about this has been unreal, but I finally put myself out there and started to deal with it especially after college. I’m proud of myself for coming to terms with this. I feel much better now than before and still have a long way to go.  SparklyWarTanks has helped me in every way and look forward to managing my The Mighty profile along with SparklWarTanks, continuing the healing and bettering process for myself.

Contine to journey with me.

 

 

 

Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Potential and Worth, Power, Quotes, Self-Talk

A Personal Confession on SoundCloud

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize.  This is depth therapy:

Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes.  A portal of perspective.  Hear me out.

This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…

Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…

the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…

I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…

I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people

The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…

Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home 

But this ends today

The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence.  You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.

You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.

Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.

You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.

If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter.  There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.  

Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.

You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.

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Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration

The Girl in the Shadow: Introduction

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

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Here is an introduction to a series of short stories I will write.  The Girl in the Shadow is a part of my creative process to grasp and understand what its like to be an introvert and an empath.  Two new concepts to me.  Also a part of SparklyWarTanks’ Writing to Heal, this writing will be both encouraging, bazaar, fictional, and autobiographical.  She is something new to me.

And I tell the story of the girl in the shadow. She sees and feels everything, from the hurts that you feel to the tears that have dried away. She encourages those who are often forgot about and left to decay in their own sad minds and weary souls. She tells the stories of those left behind and outcast. 

Shes in the shadows observing.  Shes an introvert but feels all that is around her, the vibration of the strangers, the betrayal of friends, and struggles of her family.  She’s empathic and can’t help but know the emotions and strains of those around her. An energy she can’t escape.  She’s been running for so long, but now she just sits, watches, and writes.  She writes down the emotions and hurt, and flips it.  She carries with her in silent prayers the promised happiness and hope lost and buried with the dead end situation and crusted forgiveness. She’s the stranger rooting for you and the one who cries when you find yourself lonely. She feels for you when you feel the most alone. She knows how it feels. No one sees her either. 

She’s learning what it means to be outside and to be strange.  To not fit in. She’s learning what love is, and hate, and fear.  She’s learning pain, and grief, and depression and anxiety.  She’s learning what’s shes known all her life except this time she sees it in other people. 

The Girl in The Shadow Introduction