I was lost
For a little while
I was broken by the big vision and the big dreams
I didn’t think I can do it…
I was lost from the notion that I wasn’t getting anyway
That the road was too narrow and me, too big…I got tired
But im back again
To fight some more…
I don’t want to be lost anymore
It’s been a tiring, difficult couple months. First time after college having to actively try to live and explain to people why your health is important and why you have to actually take care of yourself. Its difficult putting into words how in the past overworking and overwhelming yourself lead to almost getting pushed over the edge with just a tiny hint of thoughts and images of what it would be like not to be alive. How it would be a miracle to ask for help or ask for someone to show some type of sympathy because you don’t feel as crazy as you did before. How seeing that your well being is not important in the slightest to anyone else so you have to put your well being first and yell from the top of your lungs that your life matters.
It’s been so tiring having to explain that you just want to be able to manage life just a little, to feel happy just a little, and to feel peace just a little because every day of your life has been a war. You just want a break. Just one break.
This is about a cash register and how the dinging of the change in the drawers became dinging in my head as I saw too many people coming and asking too many questions about the same things.
This is about a cash register and how the cash button on the screen makes the drawer bash into my stomach where insanity was brewing.
This is about a cash register and how all the bills would pile up and I would just count them but the numbers always go over. They spill over.
This is about a cash register and how slowly I would make up in my head all the things that could go wrong and the questions I don’t have answers too, a dark room is created.
The cash register.
I stand there, all day. I have no where to go so I stand…at the cash register.
The questions. All the questions.
The people. All the people.
The fear. All the anxiety, it just fills my stomach with a monster. A little monster.
Note 11 is a bit lengthy but I feel its something that needs to be expressed and talked about. In the wake of current race wars, clashes of political views, and being on the brink of total chaos, brings up the issue of being uncomfortable with living and coexisting with people who are different in environments that are culturally diverse. Its time to realize that there is no need to hate or fear those who are different. Sit and learn from those who challenge or contradict your way of living. Although it will be uncomfortable, moments of clarity when opening up perspective only benefits you in the long run. Transformation and knowledge only comes when placed in circumstances that challenge your point of view. Hate is dangerous, infectious, and unnecessary. We all can learn from the experiences of one another and that learning process never ends. Just because there hasn’t been any studies or documentation of a persons experiences based on popular opinion doesn’t means its invalid or untrue. Sit and listen. There is so much we can learn from one another. There are things that happen that some don’t know about and things that need to be said that aren’t being talked about. There is always space to dialogue about the things that are going on respectfully without undermining or demeaning the lives of the people who are underrepresented (especially).
Pulling back from giving 100%. Pulling back from helping and empathizing. Pulling back to save myself, to save my energy. From doing everything. I’m pulling back because I see and I feel too much. I hope too much, I love too much. I pull back because I care…too much. I’m tired so I have to pull back. I can feel it, pulling myself back. It’s really uncomfortable, but in order to not panic or stress out from overexerting myself, I pull back.
Motivation for this post:
This is me. This is who I am. Understanding weak point and strong points in yourself. Realizing the type of person you are, the things you tend to do in specific circumstances, things you hate, people/places/phrases that motivate you, people/places/phrases that make you angry/bitter are a part of self-realizing. Once you see who you are then the process of healing will be that much clearer. To see, to realize, to notice, to understand calms your tension and helps to realize why things are the way they are. After you self-realize, and after you heal, the way you move, think, respond, and approach life will then also be changed and improved.
In yet a targeted yet random thought… Note 2: Search for the courage to leave abusive situations. Abuse is long lasting and causes physical and emotional trauma and damage. No one should ever be in a place dealing and compromising their happiness and sanity to stay in these relationships. There are people that love you. Enough is enough.