Tag: birthday

Posted in Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Love, Mental Health, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Reclaiming the Sacredness of My Birthday

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Today is my birthday, and for as long as I can remember, it has been a day filled with grief and depression. Every spring, the flowers would bloom, the sun would stay out longer, and the temperature would gradually rise from 30 to 40 to 50 degrees, yet the sadness would wash over me like a waterfall each year. I came to recognize this in a recent conversation with my therapist after a panic attack, which felt inevitable given the number of life changes my nervous system has been trying to process this year.

A birthday is meant to be a time to celebrate yourself, your life, and how far you have come. For me, though, intrusive and cruel thoughts would grow louder, like a speaker reminding me of all the ways I believed I had failed in becoming a “successful” adult. I would question whether I deserved to keep going, to keep living. This year, however, I want to reclaim the sacredness of my birthday. I want it to be a day to celebrate my life. I want it to be an “I am” day, not a “what have I done so far?” day or a “list all the reasons you are behind your peers” day.

In creating that sense of sacredness, I am building rituals and routines to remind my body and mind that I do deserve to be alive and to experience joy and excitement every day, especially on this day.

My first ritual this year is to write myself a letter, something I have done a few times before. Writing helps ground me in the “I am.” I know my SparklyWarTanks family understands that about me. So here it goes:

Dear Nina,

Happy birthday, precious girl. You are in your 30s, what a milestone. Instead of listing everything you have “done” to earn the right to celebrate yourself today, I am simply going to honor how amazing you are as a person. Your personality and who you are is something truly special. You are a bright and divine light in this world. You are meant to lead and to walk alongside those who share your vision of recovery, hope, and love. Keep your head up, because you are not only living for yourself, but also for your ancestors who are cheering you on along the way. You have broken numerous cycles and have chosen yourself. I am so proud of you. Keep going, because you deserve to live a life filled with unconditional self-love.

With all the love in the universe,
SparklyWarTanks

đź“· Note: The image above is a self-portrait I created in a workshop last weekend. It reflects all the things that remind me of who I am.

Posted in Confessions, Love, Potential and Worth, Reflection, Self-Care, Self-Talk

Dear Little Nina, We’re 30 Years Old Now

Posted on by SparklyWarTanks

Dear Little Nina,

We’re 30 years old already. Can you believe it?! We made it this far. And, yes, we still have big emotions that feel overwhelming sometimes. But, I’m still working on our goals and I’m continuously redefining what success looks like every day.

We were going through some old pictures with mom a few weeks ago and I finally remember. I remember how you felt most of the time. I remember the moments where you didn’t feel seen or loved by anyone. I remember when you started to use perfectionism and people pleasing to try to get people to notice and prioritize you. I remember when self-hate seeped in, too. I’m unlearning all those things for us, though. You are lovable and don’t need to be perfect for anyone to realize how valuable you are. We don’t need to go above and beyond anymore, hurting ourselves by doing too much, just so people can be happy that we’re around.

I remember when we didn’t know how to identify our emotions and were confused a lot of the time from our sensitivities. I know how often we cried from being overstimulated. No need to worry though. I’ve created safety for us now. You can feel your feelings and no one will get mad or yell at you anymore.

Little Nina, there is nothing wrong with you. There was never anything wrong with you. Our big emotions make us extra special. Our brain gets sad and anxious sometimes now, and sometimes we have bad dreams, but I promise I’ll take care of us.

I know that there were things you really wanted to experience, especially when we were a teen, and it hasn’t happened yet, but that’s OK. We still have more life to live and people to meet. I’m trying my hardest not to give up on certain things. I know how much we value love and want to bask in it as much as possible. But, I can’t say I don’t struggle with that idea still.

I’ve grown in loving US, though. I love you so much and want you to feel safe to be you. You are amazing, talented, funny, and beautiful. Your light is sooo bright and it’ll only get brighter as we get older. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I put boundaries up to protect us, OK?

We are helping other people who felt like you did growing up now. I’m sharing our story so we can help other people feel loved and seen, too.

We’re doing a great job and walking in our purpose. It started with you, though, because you did your best with what you had. I got it from here.

I love you so much đź©·
Big hugs and kisses from 30 year old you,
Adult Nina