Waiting for the storm to pass so I can rest. Haven’t been myself lately.
Author: SparklyWarTanks
BayArt Article: Questions of Existentialism in Anxiety and Depression
A couple weeks ago I sat and waited for my shift to begin at Shake Shack when suddenly I realized the recurrence of my depressive symptoms I thought I left back in 2016. I wanted to be alone and isolated, I was tired, irritated, unhappy, I had an overwhelming feeling to cry, and I didn’t want to be around anyone. Everyone was excited around me but I wasn’t. I felt very miserable. Was it that I I hated my job? Maybe I knew I could do better or be better? Maybe I wanted to not feel tired? With all the maybe circling around in my head, I started over-analyzing myself (as I always do) and I came to the conclusion that I was going through (and have been going through since my senior year of college) an existential crisis.
Existentialism
Existentialism in philosophy, in its most basic definition, centers on the ways people see themselves in the worlds and in their own existence. My mental health, in times of uncertainty and doubt, becomes shaky when I realize that I’m not where I need to be, where I want to be, or how I want to feel.
In that split moment where I contemplated my current position in existence, grappling with old feeling of depression accompanied by my almost everyday encounter with anxiety, helped me realize how often I think about who I am and what I want from this life. What makes depression and anxiety two issues of mental health that focus on the issues of existentialism, is that one deals with the past (depression) and the other on the future (anxiety) (sometimes the concepts of past and future may blur).
Anxiety vs. Depression
When I’m having an episode with anxiety I often ask myself questions such as, what if I never become anything? Why am I not where I need to be? Am I ever going to feel better? What do I believe? (In terms of religion and ideology) What if I’m “doing life” wrong? Am I ever going to find love? What if I don’t find my purpose or use my talents? And in all of these questions, there’s an underlying theme of worriment and doubt. Everything seems to go back to understanding fulfillment and being something or someone.
When I’m having an episode with depression (like the one above) I ask questions such as, why am I here? Why do I feel worthless? Is this where I’m going to stay my entire life? Why am I not happy? Why am I constantly tired? Do I have a purpose? These questions concern how I feel in comparison to what I’m familiar with or have experienced.
Anxiety is a reaction to what will/can happen while depression dwells on my current state (feeling and well being) based on events that already happened.
While these questions are similar in nature, they bring up the issues of an existential crisis. These questions arouse inner issues in ways that affect how I see myself progressing or staying in the same place. I began seeing myself in one place being pulled and pressured by my past and future creating a chaotic space in my mind.
While I’m still in an uncomfortable state in my existential crisis, I’m realizing and understanding my mental state and that has helped as I’m working to become better not only in what I’m doing but in the person I’m becoming. I not only want to do better, but I also want to be better.
Find the article below:
The Underlying Questions Concerning the Issues of Existentialism in my Depression and Anxiety
A Beast is Born in the Metamorphosis
As I change I progress with power. In the mist of the transformation a beast is born in the ashes.
SWT 100 Notes: Note 12
Sooo I just got rejected a job opportunity again. I’m feeling a bit frustrated, a bit trapped, a bit discouraged. Feeling like I’m not good enough…again. Feeling like I probably should have killed myself more in undergrad with internships or other jobs. Feeling a bit drained and tired in my current state.
But I will keep pushing. Keep striving. Maybe someone will see my passion and motivation someday, sometime in the field that I feel most passionate about. Going through a tough moment, but I will bounce back. I will keep trying my best. Trying to not get consumed by the rejection is the hardest, but I’m going to use it as a point of reference.
Rejection is good. That opportunity wasn’t for you. Whats for you will accept you with open arms especially when its in line with your passions. Keep trying. Keep pushing.
SWT 100 Notes: Note 11
Note 11 is a bit lengthy but I feel its something that needs to be expressed and talked about. In the wake of current race wars, clashes of political views, and being on the brink of total chaos, brings up the issue of being uncomfortable with living and coexisting with people who are different in environments that are culturally diverse. Its time to realize that there is no need to hate or fear those who are different. Sit and learn from those who challenge or contradict your way of living. Although it will be uncomfortable, moments of clarity when opening up perspective only benefits you in the long run. Transformation and knowledge only comes when placed in circumstances that challenge your point of view. Hate is dangerous, infectious, and unnecessary. We all can learn from the experiences of one another and that learning process never ends. Just because there hasn’t been any studies or documentation of a persons experiences based on popular opinion doesn’t means its invalid or untrue. Sit and listen. There is so much we can learn from one another. There are things that happen that some don’t know about and things that need to be said that aren’t being talked about. There is always space to dialogue about the things that are going on respectfully without undermining or demeaning the lives of the people who are underrepresented (especially).
Look.
Listen.
Think.
Respond.
Respect.
Move Forward
When its time to press forward its time to press forward. Stop looking back, to your sides, or any direction but straight ahead. There is power in your stance to press against the odds and the struggle. Keep going. Its time for that transformation to show its face. Move forward.
Open your Perspective
Opening up your perspective is uncomfortable. You’ll get confused, angry, bitter, and doubtful, but you will learn about yourself and the world you live in. You will become better and more accepting of people and ideas. Opening up your perspective will make you more comfortable with who you are and what you believe. Open your perspective.
Bulletin Board July 2017: Love
Love
Love is complex and love is diverse. Love is individual and love is multifaceted. One must love oneself and love another. Love does not need reasons to exist. Love is accepting, it is patient, and it is unconditional.
Love is not like other emotions. Love is active. Love is a process and love progresses. Love takes time. Once love is reached, however, it must be maintained with sacrifices and compromises because, if you haven’t noticed, we are trying to love people of different lives, cultures, lifestyles, pet peeves, and experiences (when building relationships). We are trying to build love and acceptance. Love cannot just be left alone or forgotten. Once love is built than taking it down causes major psychological issues. Love goes all in. But love also gets tired. Love must be mutual.
Love for oneself is as important as loving someone else. You are the most important part of your life. Loving yourself is extremely essential to your growth, prosperity, and progress. Knowing that without you there is no life to live is what makes love so pivotal. Its not selfish to put your own well being first, its necessary.
Continue in love. Progress in love. Understand in love. Love is needed. Continue to love.
SWT 100 Notes: Note 10
Note 10:
Pulling back from giving 100%. Pulling back from helping and empathizing. Pulling back to save myself, to save my energy. From doing everything. I’m pulling back because I see and I feel too much. I hope too much, I love too much. I pull back because I care…too much. I’m tired so I have to pull back. I can feel it, pulling myself back. It’s really uncomfortable, but in order to not panic or stress out from overexerting myself, I pull back.
Motivation for this post:
https://world.parhlo.com/dark-side-empathic-people-rarely-see-must-always-cautious/?track=fb
SWT 100 Notes: Note 9
Note 9: While I’m waiting for my mighty story to get published on my explanation of what anxiety has been like for me, I’ll simply write this note on the importance and awareness of those who struggle mentally.
It isn’t fun to have any mental illness, but for me specifically anxiety has been at its worse. Overthinking, believing the negative thoughts, driving myself insane, its not intentional or a joke. At times its just dormant like its gone and as soon as a trigger comes, it awakens like a beast in its sleep. But, I would have to say that nothing is impossible and having new experiences coming my way has challenged me to learn to react to triggers. That in itself has helped and progressed me in my mental health healing.
As I continuously see mental health awareness come more and more out in the open, I would like to encourage those who struggle with their mental health to get help if you need to. Talk to someone. The person doesn’t even have to be a professional. Talk to someone who loves you. I’m always here to talk too! Don’t drown in the darkness of your mind.
SparklyWarTanks 