Waiting for the storm to pass so I can rest. Haven’t been myself lately.
Tag: anxiety
BayArt Article: Questions of Existentialism in Anxiety and Depression
A couple weeks ago I sat and waited for my shift to begin at Shake Shack when suddenly I realized the recurrence of my depressive symptoms I thought I left back in 2016. I wanted to be alone and isolated, I was tired, irritated, unhappy, I had an overwhelming feeling to cry, and I didn’t want to be around anyone. Everyone was excited around me but I wasn’t. I felt very miserable. Was it that I I hated my job? Maybe I knew I could do better or be better? Maybe I wanted to not feel tired? With all the maybe circling around in my head, I started over-analyzing myself (as I always do) and I came to the conclusion that I was going through (and have been going through since my senior year of college) an existential crisis.
Existentialism
Existentialism in philosophy, in its most basic definition, centers on the ways people see themselves in the worlds and in their own existence. My mental health, in times of uncertainty and doubt, becomes shaky when I realize that I’m not where I need to be, where I want to be, or how I want to feel.
In that split moment where I contemplated my current position in existence, grappling with old feeling of depression accompanied by my almost everyday encounter with anxiety, helped me realize how often I think about who I am and what I want from this life. What makes depression and anxiety two issues of mental health that focus on the issues of existentialism, is that one deals with the past (depression) and the other on the future (anxiety) (sometimes the concepts of past and future may blur).
Anxiety vs. Depression
When I’m having an episode with anxiety I often ask myself questions such as, what if I never become anything? Why am I not where I need to be? Am I ever going to feel better? What do I believe? (In terms of religion and ideology) What if I’m “doing life” wrong? Am I ever going to find love? What if I don’t find my purpose or use my talents? And in all of these questions, there’s an underlying theme of worriment and doubt. Everything seems to go back to understanding fulfillment and being something or someone.
When I’m having an episode with depression (like the one above) I ask questions such as, why am I here? Why do I feel worthless? Is this where I’m going to stay my entire life? Why am I not happy? Why am I constantly tired? Do I have a purpose? These questions concern how I feel in comparison to what I’m familiar with or have experienced.
Anxiety is a reaction to what will/can happen while depression dwells on my current state (feeling and well being) based on events that already happened.
While these questions are similar in nature, they bring up the issues of an existential crisis. These questions arouse inner issues in ways that affect how I see myself progressing or staying in the same place. I began seeing myself in one place being pulled and pressured by my past and future creating a chaotic space in my mind.
While I’m still in an uncomfortable state in my existential crisis, I’m realizing and understanding my mental state and that has helped as I’m working to become better not only in what I’m doing but in the person I’m becoming. I not only want to do better, but I also want to be better.
Find the article below:
The Underlying Questions Concerning the Issues of Existentialism in my Depression and Anxiety
SWT 100 Notes: Note 9
Note 9: While I’m waiting for my mighty story to get published on my explanation of what anxiety has been like for me, I’ll simply write this note on the importance and awareness of those who struggle mentally.
It isn’t fun to have any mental illness, but for me specifically anxiety has been at its worse. Overthinking, believing the negative thoughts, driving myself insane, its not intentional or a joke. At times its just dormant like its gone and as soon as a trigger comes, it awakens like a beast in its sleep. But, I would have to say that nothing is impossible and having new experiences coming my way has challenged me to learn to react to triggers. That in itself has helped and progressed me in my mental health healing.
As I continuously see mental health awareness come more and more out in the open, I would like to encourage those who struggle with their mental health to get help if you need to. Talk to someone. The person doesn’t even have to be a professional. Talk to someone who loves you. I’m always here to talk too! Don’t drown in the darkness of your mind.
SparklyWarTanks on The Mighty: Why my Dog is my Weapon Against my Anxiety and Depression
Read the second story I wrote on The Mighty called Why my Dog is my Weapon Against my Anxiety and Depression. I dedicated the story to my dog Baby who has helped me tremendously through the rough times I had with my anxiety and depression following graduation last year in 2016. She has lifted me up, along with my other dogs, and has given me a reason to smile, try my best to stay positive, and wake up every morning grateful.
Feel free to always visit me on The Mighty!
Not a Failure, You are not a Failure
Its been a long night, a night filled with silent and quiet panic attacks, ones that have been revealing and direct. And as I lay in my bed, glancing at Jane the Virgin, but mostly visualizing my future in my head, I finally targeted the core trigger of the anxiety that’s been crippling my sleep. The trigger is fear of failure. Deep, paralyzing, you are nobody, and no one will ever notice you failure. Seeing so many glory stories and positive things happening to people around me…nothing is happening for me. This has been what makes me nervous, nauseous and scared.
But maybe it really is all in my head and I just keep falling back on my perfectionist mindset that I should be someone by now that is feeding this trigger?
I’m not a failure…I’m not a failure…
SparklyWarTanks on The Mighty: When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game
It’s been three months since I wrote “When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game” and three months has changed me drastically since I decided to publish it on The Mighty. I was ashamed and embarrassed for a long time about this reality and often denied the possibility of mental struggle being real for me. Being vulnerable about this has been unreal, but I finally put myself out there and started to deal with it especially after college. I’m proud of myself for coming to terms with this. I feel much better now than before and still have a long way to go. SparklyWarTanks has helped me in every way and look forward to managing my The Mighty profile along with SparklWarTanks, continuing the healing and bettering process for myself.
Contine to journey with me.
SparklyWarTanks 