Posted in Confessions, Creative Writing, Keep Moving: Motivation and Inspiration, Making Sense Analysis, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

A Personal Confession

These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize.  This is depth therapy:

Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes.  A portal of perspective.  Hear me out.

This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…

Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…

the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…

I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…

I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people

The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…

Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home 

But this ends today

The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence.  You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.

You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.

Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.

You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.

If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter.  There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.  

Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.

You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.

Posted in Making Sense Analysis

No One is Ever Broken 

While its often the case that we struggle on a daily basis about things that bother us, things we can’t change, things that we continuously mourn over, cry over, and can’t let go, its also true that we can never, contrarily, truly be broken.  Struggling with the past, present, and future anxieties often burden our psyches, sometimes even on a physical, emotional and psychological level (as we can see with mental illness being unable to balance the three) we don’t know how to deal with the idea of constant changes and shifts in our lives.  Because of this, I realized feeling a sense of “brokenness” before, that it’s only the “trapped” sensation that we can’t deal with.  

It’s an in between mentality of the before and the unwillingness to change or move on thats the feeling of brokenness.  Its a stuck sensation. The inability to move or make progress.  Not being able to effectively process to a next level in character and being.  Its not being able to let go of the past that is depression, or fearing the future anxiety, or even effectively dealing with emotion bipolar disorders that is the inability to process and deal with the pains and strains around you. It’s not being able to go back to ones once happy stage or comfortable life style or not coping correctly with pain that hinders us from moving on.

By moving on, I dont mean neither forgetting or carrying it with you wherever you go, but instead growing and learning from the experiences that builds character and willingness to become better and stronger. Healthy means of coping means using your life styles, ideologies, and perspectives to break past the window of pain and hardship and using it as a weapon to open your past perspective into something new and more developed.  It’s the spreading of universal happiness and peace, the helping of other people, and the acceptance that you can deal with the pains you endure.  Its important to try not to over exaggerate the current and live in only the present giving yourself enough to endure at the moment of existence. 

We are not broken to the extent of being unable to grow past the weeds of going too far in the past or too deep in the future, but living currently using the past as something learned and the future as on the pursuit of goals.  Don’t feel broken or lost because we just need the current moment to survive and the resources to maintain our livelihood.  Always live for the self now and do what you can now and appreciate the ability to be presently aware.

No one is ever really broken.

Original Photo: Brokenness
Posted in Creative Writing, Making Sense Analysis

Making Sense: Recycling Pain 

Its about that time when you think of everything…

everything thats ever hurt you…
you wallow in the reminiscent pain of every memory…
past and present collide to create a mesh of oblivious insanity…
numb to reality you fall asleep in a bed of a black and white rainbow…
you fall asleep so your subconscious could pick up the pieces and create a story…
Dreams
Dreams that hardly make sense because…
Because not even your unconscious mind can comprehend the severity of repression…
Push the pain back in until the next night….
The next night when you think of everything…
Again

Original Photo
Posted in Making Sense Analysis, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Why Perfectionism Isn’t Healthy and Caused Me Months of Procrastination and Exhaustion

I’ve been an over achiever for as long as I remember.  I strive to do my best at all times and won’t take any less than almost perfect.  When I was in school, from grade school to undergrad, I would try to do more than was asked and be at the top of each class and level.  I wouldn’t sleep, sometimes wouldn’t eat, until things were done in its longest and most thought out form (still first drafts so it wasn’t perfect) but I would put my all in everything.  From first grade to my last semester in college I continued to run my race of perfectionism but recently noticed it began to effect my health last January.

When I was in grade school I made it my goal to get over a 90 in every test, in every class and do every assignment and go to school every single day.  When I didn’t go to school I would cringe in my skin and worry that I would get too far behind.  A break in my streak occurred in a vocal class in high school I had for four years.  That’s when the “weakest link” phrase entered my psyche.  I couldn’t be perfect in that class and I wasn’t as good as I thought (or at least the teacher made me think so) so I worked my butt off just to get the same results.  Every day I started to hate myself and the class because I couldn’t be the perfectionist I wanted to be.  I liked to sing but I found and believed and couldn’t sing well and I wasn’t good enough.  I compared myself to others and ingrained the “weakest link”mindset in how I thought about myself. When I graduated high school and left the class, my perfectionism got worse, but I began to get tired.

*FAST FORWARD FOUR YEARS*

As my last year in college progressed I noticed that I didn’t want to do anything and lacked the motivation and drive to wake up in the morning.  I dreaded every day and would leave my assignments to the absolute last minute (not a good idea for perfectionist tendencies and results).  Because I was a perfectionist procrastinator I started to feel my anxiety peak at its all time high because I had lots to do and no motivation to do but the guilt of my perfectionism at the forefront of my anxiety and minor depression.  I feared I would disappoint my professors and damage my GPA so I pushed myself beyond my limits (health wise) and found myself exhausted and unhappy.

I was tired.  My body.  My soul.  My motivation.  Me, I was tired.  I wanted to leave it all there in my campus apartment because I couldn’t do it.  I was plagued with panic because it was a lot and I didn’t believe I could do it.

Despite the struggle of getting up in the morning everyday for a year I managed to get two 4.0s (surprisingly) first in all four years.  I wasn’t proud of myself really.  I felt I was supposed to get it.  I’m a perfectionist.

Now, at the end of the summer a Syracuse University graduate I’m still exhausted and I don’t get up early.  I do one thing and I’m tired. I want to sleep all the time and its been three months.  Shouldn’t I be rested? Well I’m not.  I just want to spend time with my family and not have to put in effort to be perfect.  I don’t want to try anymore to make others happy.  I want to be happy.

If you read through all that I’ve written and find yourself to be a perfectionist, its okay…you don’t have to be.  If you’re a hard worker, great! Keep working hard, but don’t let failure or what people say to you make you feel your not working as hard as you are.  Don’t compare yourself to anyone and don’t push yourself past what you can take.  Take breaks you don’t have to be perfect.  One or two or three “low scores” isn’t bad nor is lost opportunities.  Sleep and be proud of yourself.  Be vocal to the ones who care.  Don’t wait till you’re too drained to say you need support and please love yourself, say no when necessary.

From someone who is still exhausted from years or perfectionism, know that its okay not to be at the top.  Try your best.  It is good enough.  Your effort will reap its harvest.

Posted in Making Sense Analysis, Self-Talk, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Making Sense: Toxic Phrases

Joel Osteen Quote 

There are just some things that have happened or that have been said to me that live with me everyday and haunt me at the latest hours of the night

“You are the weakest link”

“I’m disappointed in you”

“I love her more than you”

“I don’t want to put in any effort for you”

“Nah, she ugly”

“You weren’t competative enough”

“Theres nothing I can do to help you”

“You’re a dub”

“I think you should change your profile picture because you are confusing people”

“You are affecting your family”

“Stop being discouraged”

“Get over it”

“People are watching you”

“That’s a sin”

“..but in the Bible it says”

“….going to hell”

“Don’t you want to go to heaven?”

“What happened? You can do better” 

“You can’t do that”

“You’re not supposed to hang out with those type of people”

“I don’t care what you think”

“Oh, I didn’t invite you because…”

“You think too much…”

“Stop saying you’re depressed…”

“God is watching you…”

“Relax its not that serious”

While some of these phrases may seem harmless and others in need of more context, they have been a guide to how I think about myself, how I view situations and circumstances, and how I approach new opportunities.  These phrases have been a hindrance to my mental growth and well being. 

In order to take away from things that have been said that may have scarred and affected how you think, you have to use them as fuel.  Let them scab up and fall off of how you perceive who you are. Use them as excess motivation.

Let what is said to you build you up even if it hurt you.  Let it build your confidence, bravery, power and self-image.  Turn every phrase into a positive, a tactic that can’t halt your progress.

Everyone has those phrases of people who drilled a perception in their head,  use them.  Make them amo.  Make them “I heard that before” phrases that don’t bother you. Move above and beyond.  Move forward.  

Posted in Making Sense Analysis, What Just Happened: Personal Anecdotes

Making Sense: Self-Hate Consciousness

Tumblr Image Question

Self-hate comes from the deepest point of yourself and thrives in negativity, guilt, and fear.  Its built from childhood and continues until you are so self-aware that you can feel the self-hate dictating how you react or respond to a circumstance or situation.  I never felt my self-hate work so hard until I wanted to fall in love. Self-hate is like a negative conscious.  A consciousness that doesn’t want you to find your most powerful potential.  Self-hate is created.  No one is born with it.  Working to love yourself in the mist of such a strong core of negative consciousness takes so much energy it creates a illusion of depression and anxiety and makes you live in the fear and guilt that the self-hate encompasses.  

Self-hate doesn’t necessarily mean you hate yourself, its more like you trained yourself to react negatively in a state of self-pity and sadness at a level that is second nature.  Phrases like “I can’t” and “I won’t” guide how you see and respond to challenges.  You may not see that yourhate enough or worth much because that core essence is so strong that you actually believe that you’re not good about or worth much.

Breaking from self-hate consciousness takes active work and daily positive gestures toward yourself.  Talk to yourself positively and don’t take things personal.  Make sure to put yourself first and cut things out that is toxic and triggers the core negative consciousness youlr trying to destroy.

Work to make self-hate consciousness self-love awareness.  Love yourself and put your happiness at the front of every opportunity.  Don’t compromise your happiness and well-being for anything or anyone.

You are important.