You know why its been hard to sleep at night while sleeping all day these past couple days, these past couple months? I’ve realized myself in depths too deep to describe to people. I’ve itched to tell someone that my issues run deeper than repression and unconscious feelings. That I’m trying to balance my empathy with my confusion and self-protection. That I’m an ultra introvert and feel everything around me. That I love even when that person doesn’t love me to. That I care because I understand even when I haven’t gone through it myself. Situations are different but feelings, feelings come universal. I know what depression feels like, and anxiety. I know how betrayal feels and disappointment. I know too well self-hate and being ashamed. It wasn’t till Thursday that I realized that I know when someone is lying to me and when someone is being real and authentic. When things I’ve been trying to hide have been written on my forehead all along. I realized that I just want to know how it feels for someone to fall in love with me because then I can prove myself wrong, that it is possible. That I can do what I want without regulation because of shame. Shame that I haven’t noticed guide how I see my body. I’ve been ashamed for a long time.
I couldn’t write. I couldn’t write something, anything in the past couple days, an encouragement, a phrase like I usually do because even in the mist of a good moment I drive myself crazy with thoughts and confusions instead of just letting go. I wanted to stop writing because no one reads. I’m better off just driving myself insane because no one cares about me or what I have to say anyway. Whats funny is I only known a person a couple of days and I just want to say everything to them. That I want to write again because I got my excitement back just over one conversation. But the fear came back. I should keep to myself but they made me tell them things I never tell anyone and now I’m so self-aware. I trace my thoughts back to why I hide in my room and lock the door behind me. Why I cover my face in shame instead of embracing my flaws and things that make me unique. Why I convinced myself that I’d never fit in in this world so I hide in the shadows. Why I convinced myself a long time ago that I’m meant to be alone and by myself all the time. And this person said two words:
Suddenly these words didn’t have the same weight like when I say it to myself. It had denser weight and made me believe it in a split second.
Not sure if any of this made sense, but it’s way harder knowing the reasons for the scars that run deep then being oblivious to the pain and feelings you have all the time. Just to remember the times when you felt useless, or hopeless, or lonely, or ugly brings back the foundations of why you hide things deep in the first place, but its better to know so you can work with yourself.
Its okay to let your scars show sometimes, maybe the person your showing them to will help you deal with them. Don’t repress those feelings anymore. Work with yourself. One push. One phrase from the right person or even yourself can help the process of healing. Things may not seem important but they are, you are important and so are you moving on. Don’t trap yourself. Don’t drive yourself crazy. Let something change. Let someone, something, a moment, a thought, a feeling change how you perceive who you are. Realize yourself. Be happy. You deserve to be happy.
You deserve a break from the deep. Things, better things, better moments, better thoughts, better people are waiting for you at the surface. Let yourself loose. Let yourself free.