When I write, I just write. No restraints. No self-criticism. I just let it out. Its my feelings, fears, and worries spilled out. This is what I wrote today:
I’m always alone making these big decisions and big moves..no one giving me advice or telling me what’s best for me…so I guess my biggest fear is doing something wrong or disappointing someone..disappointing myself…I guess I just want someone to root for me..tell me to keep going because Lord knows I want to give up really bad…feeling real worthless…its like all this life in front of me but nothing…nothing at all…I have to dig to find things of my interest…things that I like… I feel out of the ordinary…really different from everyone…what I like…do people even care? I don’t fit in anywhere
It’s funny because I just started doing this “writing to heal” thing. Writing therapy. Its like talking to yourself without the actual talking to yourself because people will think you’re crazy. But anyway the trouble has been in my face all summer and I don’t know, the fear has been stronger and the loneliness heavy. I didn’t expect adulthood to feel like this. Along with other personal struggles I just want things to go right in one area of my life but its really difficult. I always want to fix something or make someone feel better, see someone smile, but I’ve been terribly miserable in my head with all this worrying, fear, and self-doubt. I just hope things get better, I want to be better because theres nothing worse than a broken self-image of change. I just want to be great and feel great. With being alone making these decisions, I want to be confident and ready. But I’m not. I want things to go right. I want life to go right.