Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. How is it that I can love deeply like this? I think of the ways that can make someone else smile. I spend hours looking for something or thinking up ideas on ways I can express my love. Why? Is it that serious? But then I feel bad because sometimes I don’t get the magnitude of love back that I’m giving so I break down. I feel betrayed. Why do I love like this? Even when I can’t afford to love like I do, I’ll go broke drowning in my giving.
I wish I can give the world when I can’t. I’m working too hard to get the love I’m letting out. I don’t want to look crazy for being creative with my love so I feel like I’m retreating to a dark place in my self-esteem. I’m afraid of being hurt and embarrassed for doing too much.
I just want love too.
I will be brave in the next steps of my life. I will take the risks necessary to get where I want. I will be the boss and I will not be afraid or anxious to make decisions. I deserve to want to wake up because I’m living the life I worked to build. I’m able to do what I put my potential to.
I’m strong in my bravery. I’m my own limit. I can do this.
There are moments we will give up. There are moments when we will be tired. There are moments when we will need to take a break. Those moments will not define us, however. Those moments will not sum up our efforts or who we are. Try again and keep going because when you think you’ve been defeated by the struggles, instead you’re going through a necessary process of progress. Your furnace and fire is your motivator. Your furnace is what will create you. You will need your fire for your enlightenment.
A brief message that you matter, your voice matters, your life matters, it’s okay to take a break, and you are a life worth living.
Stay healthy. Take care of yourself.
Know when various factors are holding you hostage and know you can set yourself free. Understand your worth and fight for your mental peace. Don’t be afraid of change or struggling. Understand your circumstances and what you have to face. You can know peace and learn calmness. Set yourself free. You deserve to be free.
Build and grow. Support yourself. Be patient with your process and progress. Work and build. Become someone. Become yourself.
Note 20: Yesterday I probably had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in a couple months and in the wake of that reality another struggle has also come up from the ashes. I haven’t felt depressed in a while, but today its come back like it never left. The negative thoughts and reminders, the constant nagging of hopelessness and lonliness, and the feeling to isolate myself all came back.
When this happens I have to write something, reminding myself that my life is worth it, and I have a purpose even though I think otherwise. I have to tell myself that some people do care about my existance and I should keep on living.
Even though its difficult to be right now I have to remind myself that life is something precious and sacred. I am beautiful. I matter. I am a life worth living.
I will continue to love and live. I will not look behind me. I will continue to look forward.
Note 18: I’ve realized that being tired is a part of being an adult especially when you’re trying to create yourself. Even when you’re really tired, however, you can always create something. You can create something big or something small. Let your creativity flow even when you’re exhausted.